The flimsy foundation of self-esteem I have started to rebuild since meeting Sam crumbles, and I’m right back to that night Ollie left me.
Slow music plays over speakers. A light breeze catches my hair, and the candles ebb and flow. How foolish it all feels now. Have others had their heart broken here in such a romantic setting as I have?
Alec reaches for the napkin and brings it to his face, where he hesitates dabbing his eyes. ‘Fuck, Ol, I’m not going to ruin my make-up because of this.’ He looks at the floor, the silence between us stretching on.
‘I…’
Alec’s lip quivers, and I know the make-up he wears is going to smear. He takes a long breath before standing upright and departing from the table, out into the cobbled street, into the night.
‘You idiot,’ Ollie hisses.
‘It was going to come out at some point,’ I say, feeling a dead weight inside me.
‘You’re the idiot,’ Lydia says.
‘What?’ Ollie challenges.
‘No, she’s right, Ol,’ I say. ‘All of this could have been avoided.’
Ollie’s fists clench together, his jaw set. He gets up, but Lydia rises, halting him in his tracks.
‘We’re not paying for the food,’ she says.
‘Whatever.’ He chucks an obscene amount of euros on the table, and heads into the night.
Lydia sits back down as I trace my finger over my wineglass, staring at the contents. Even Jemima has fallen quiet, despite her drunken hiccups.
‘Are you okay?’ Sam asks me.
I don’t answer. The words won’t form. My own tears threaten to spill, but it can’t happen here, not now. My cheeks burn, and everything is empty, but guilt and shame fill all the vacant spaces.
How could I be so foolish as to think I could come here and win Ollie back? Why did I waste so many years convincing myself Ollie and I were meant to be? Telling myself we could have what we had before? And why did I ever think that what we had before was right, the perfect blueprint for the perfect relationship?
His eye-rolls, the way he spoke to me, the tones he used. Judgement that he only reserved for me, my experiences, my likes. It all forms a coherent picture now. The nights I’ve doubted myself. The way I’ve held myself back.
Bullies. They always had power over me.
I fell in love with one, once upon a time.
‘Can we talk about something else?’ My voice breaks, making me feel even more like the pathetic guy that I am.
‘Will, he’s a dick,’ Lydia starts.
‘Please.’
Silence, broken only by Jemima’s hiccup.
Chapter Forty-Eight
SAM
Day Fourteen
‘I’m sorry, the person you have called cannot be reached right now…’
I hang up the phone. Almost fifty calls, each one ignored. You’d think I’d get the message by now.
He went so quiet last night, after Ollie and Alec left the restaurant. What a disaster it was. What if these nerves are some premonition, anticipating that something would go wrong?
