I twist to look at her. ‘Of course.’
She gives me an encouraging nod. ‘And what about you?’
‘Me?’
‘What makes you happy?’
‘Happiness is subjective, don’t you think?’
She chuckles, a throaty, warm laugh. ‘But seriously, what do you think would make you happy?’
Rolling my shoulders, I stare at the floor, allowing my eyes to lose focus. ‘Ollie.’
She gives nothing away. I stifle down a scream at her stoic expression as I try to convince her of my truth.
Her signature silence stretches on, Ollie’s name the last word uttered.
‘I shouldn’t have said no, should I?’
‘You tell me.’
Damn, Lucy.
‘I knew how much it meant to him, I knew how much he wanted to get married, and yet…’ I shake my head, words evading me. ‘If I’d truly known, though, how much that meant to him, I would have said yes.’
‘Would you?’
‘Yes.’
She cocks an eyebrow.
‘Sure. Yeah. Oh, I don’t know.’ I place a hand to my forehead, heave a dramatic sigh. ‘I guess at the time I didn’t see it as a necessity. Marriage just seemed like a… like a faff. Like, what was the point in marrying the man I’m already living with daily? I dunno. To me we already felt complete. The legal side of it scared me.’
‘Only the legal side of it?’
I nod yes, then shake my head no. ‘Like, marriage felt very grown up. I look at my mum and dad and their own shambolic marriage. Their split ended up splitting me, too. Every anniversary it’s like trying to appease angry bears.’
Lucy says nothing.
‘What if that had happened with Ollie?’ It comes out as a whisper, and I clear my throat. ‘You know? Like, what if we got married and then Ollie realised he’d made a mistake? Or he stopped talking to me but felt obliged to be with me because of the rings on our fingers? Or… Or what if we got married and I felt trapped? And it’s so expensive, isn’t it? Everyone feels pressured to get you something, or to get involved, and you get all these people with different opinions, and it all gets a bit…’ I wave my hands in the air. ‘Anddivorce. Divorce is expensive. What if he stayed with me because he couldn’t afford it?’ I’m pleading with her, but of course, she says nothing. ‘He’s not mine anymore,’ I say.
‘Would you like him to be?’
She already knows the answer. I pause before answering. ‘I thought about going to the wedding. Trying to tell him he’s making a huge mistake. A win him back situation.’
‘But you’re not going to do that now?’
‘No.’
‘Because of the cost?’
‘Yes.’ I stop. ‘Well, and it’s just a crap thing to do, isn’t it?’ She doesn’t react. ‘Like, the idea is a good one when you’re drunk as fuck, but when you start to think about it, you know,ethically, then you realise it’s a pretty grim thing to do. He’s in love. In love enough to propose and marry someone else. It’s my own fault.’
‘Ethically…’ Lucy says, testing the word. ‘Is love ethical?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Plenty of people risk it all for love.’
