‘That’s how I appear to you?’
‘Yes. Don’t you feel that way?’
‘Not enough,’ Quinn admitted. ‘But when I first thought about who I’m attracted to, and started facing my actual feelings, I was terrified.’
‘Did you ever feel in denial?’
Quinn laughed. ‘Sorry, but yes, I did. There was a time when I hated myself.’
‘Wow.’ Daniel sighed. ‘I can relate to that.’
No matter how many times he heard of similar experiences, hearing that someone hated themselves because of their sexuality always made Quinn disappointed. Society deeming queer people as anomalies because they weren’t straight led to people like Daniel, like Quinn, feeling ashamed of themselves.
‘Do you hate yourself?’
‘Sometimes,’ Daniel said. ‘I haven’t told a soul. Nobody even knows I work here.’
‘Oh.’ For the first time, Quinn realised how little he’d been paying attention to his own member of staff. ‘I’m sorry, Daniel. I’ve been an awful boss.’
‘What? No, you haven’t,’ Daniel said. ‘You’ve got a bit more to worry about than whether James Bond over here likes men.’
‘About that. You asked me about sex? You’re seriously considering it?’
‘I met this guy,’ Daniel said, looking away from Quinn. ‘Couple of weeks back.’
‘Your age?’
‘Yes, my age,’ Daniel said. ‘Kind of in a similar situation to me. Both of us are…’
‘Exploring?’
‘I guess,’ Daniel said, sighing. ‘Yeah. I suppose you could say that. It would be the first time for both of us.’
‘Is he pressuring you?’
‘No.’
‘Are you pressuring him?’
‘What? God, no.’ Daniel looked worried, as if maybe he’d already made mistakes in the world of gay dating and sexuality exploration.
‘And you’re sure you want to do it?’
‘Yes.’ Daniel coughed. ‘Don’t get me wrong. I’ve had sex before. Girlfriends. Had no complaints.’
‘Oh, well, that’s good then.’ Quinn was unsure of what else he was meant to say.
‘Yeah, got a pretty big?—’
‘I don’t need to know,’ Quinn interrupted. ‘It sounds like you’re being safe. Here, I’ve got some flyers about resources for safe sex. Some details about things like PrEP, too, should you want to consider it. Make sure you’re wearing protection, that it’s consensual, and that you both want it. Know that by having gay sex, it doesn’t mean you’re gay. People will tell you it does, but it doesn’t have to be. What I’m saying is, you won’t have sex with a guy and immediately know your sexuality, and that if you still feel confused, that’s okay. You don’t need to rush in discovering who you are.’
‘But if I like it, and do it, doesn’t that mean…?’
‘It could mean a lot of things,’ Quinn replied. ‘The fact you’re thinking about the same sex, and you’re exploring that, is something to go on. You might not believe it, but some people think they might be one thing and never go back to it. Is that to say they’re straight or that they’re gay? Sexuality is fluid. Have you read any of the books on it?’
‘I’m not ready for those yet,’ Daniel admitted, taking flyers from Quinn.
‘All in good time,’ Quinn said. ‘Look, do what you think is right. If you think sex is right, go for it. But maybe consider what you feel when you kiss someone. Or how it feels to be intimate with another man that doesn’t involve sex. You don’t need to have sex straight away to rule out a feeling.’
