“But Noah came home early the next afternoon.He found us laughin’ and cookin’ ribs on the grill out behind the house, and he saw Willy’s arm around me and his hand on my hip.”
She winced as she saw the memory, and one lone tear fell from the corner of her eye.
“Noah nearly killed the only friend he had left that day.Bax might remember callin’ the sheriff because he was scared by the way his daddy screamed and hit Willy.They came and took Willy away in an ambulance, Noah spent a night in jail to cool off, and it wasn’t a month later when I found out I was pregnant with you.”
It hit me then where all the anger I’d always felt had come from.I’d learned it.And right then and there I vowed to myself never to hit another man as long as I lived.
“Noah knew you weren’t his.He could do simple math, but he would never lay a hand on a pregnant woman, thank the Lord.And when you were born, I named you after Willy’s brother who died in a car accident the year before.Noah had grown up with Willie, so he had to know where the name came from, but he never said a word.
“The only thing he ever said on the matter was that if I ever told anyone, includin’ you, that he would kill you.I didn’t want to believe him, but somethin’ told me I should.”
Merv took a sip from the untouched mug on the table in front of her, and when she set it back down, the heavy ceramic clacked against the wood.Her hands shook, and a drop of dark coffee sloshed over the lip.She reached for a coaster at the end of the table and slid it underneath her mug, so the ring of liquid beneath wouldn’t mar the hard walnut.
Summer whispered in through open windows and thin screens.Birds twittered and chattered as they flew above the house, cows lowed far off in the distance, and dogs barked.Inside the house, though, the silence was still and thick.
“Noah didn’t have any interest in carin’ for your brothers when they were babies,” she said, “and he didn’t bother with you at all when I brought you home, but as you grew older, when Noah looked at you, all he saw was the man who wanted to take us away, who almostdidtake us away.
“Sometimes, I still wish we’d gone with Willy, but I didn’t stand up for him to Noah either.Willy and I never spoke again.I was heartbroken for years.I still am if I let myself think about it, but then I remember that if I hadn’t stayed with Noah, we wouldn’t have Abey.”
Merv took a deep breath, and when she released it, somehow,Ifelt lighter.
“So, you see, son, Willywasa magic man.He made me happy when nothin’ else in the world could have, and he gave me you, and from the moment you took your first breath, you were a light in my darkness because you had come from the most beautiful love.”
I hadn’t realized tears had begun to fall down my cheeks until Merv reached up to wipe one away.“I love you,” she said.“I’m so sorry.I don’t know how else to say it, but I’m sorry that I lived in a daydream.I’m sorry I didn’t stop Noah from hurtin’ you and makin’ you feel bad about yourself, but I don’t regret one moment of my life because without all that heartache and pain, I wouldn’t have my children and my grandchildren, and y’all are the very best parts of me.”
My mind raced.I couldn’t be as angry with Merv as I wanted to be if I thought about it either, because I couldn’t imagine a world without my sister, and it was dangerous for me to imagine how life might’ve turned out if Noah Lee had never been a part of it.
“Where is he now?”I asked.“Willy?”
“I don’t know.”
“You’ve never looked him up?”
“’Course I have,” Merv said, “years ago.He never married.I hoped it was because he still loved me, but I also hoped it wasn’t, because I didn’t want to be the cause of more heartache for him.”
“He doesn’t know about me?”
“No, Dixon.He doesn’t know.He became a household name in rodeo circles, but he’s my age, so if he’s still alive, he’s retired.”
“What’s William’s last name?”
Merv sighed and finally gave up the most important detail.“Messer.William Messer Jr.He came from a ranch near a little town in southern Wyoming called Reliance.I don’t know if he went back there or if he lives somewhere else.I couldn’t bring myself to look for his address because, if I knew where he lived, I was afraid I’d go to him.But just like you, I let him down, and I couldn’t face that.”
William Messer, Jr.
Finally, I had more than just a suspicion.All the stories in my head swirled around those fifteen common letters and then settled around my father’s name like a flock of starlings.
Suddenly, the ogre of my memories began to shrink and recede in my head until he was no bigger than a figurine, and then he disappeared completely when he shrank back into the dank cave he had come from.He was still there.I couldn’t erase Noah Lee completely from my memory, but maybe now his face and ugly sneer wouldn’t flash through my mind ten times a day.
“Son?”
“I wanna find him.William,” I said, opening my eyes after watching the human shit stain formerly known as Noah Lee walk out of my subconscious.
“Okay,” Merv said uneasily.“I mean, you know he could be dead.”
“I know.”
“Or he could want nothin’ to do with you because of me.Maybe he has a wife now or other kids.”
