I swatted his shoulder and climbed off him.“Are you hungry?”
Mischief played on his curving lips.“Starved.”
“You’re a little flirty when you’re happy,” I said, blushing and handing him the Thermos.He unscrewed the cap and sniffed, then took a long pull.His eyebrows rose with curiosity.“It’s black currant tea.Naturally decaffeinated.Do you like it?”
“It’s really good.”
I nodded, pleased with my choice.“So, tell me more.What else did you and Stu talk about?”
Chewing on a carrot stick, Dixon’s eyes slid to the side while he thought.“Well, he asked about his mama.Bax and Bea had a picture of her that I’d never even seen from when she was in high school.I guess they did some investigatin’ so they’d be prepared when Stu was ready.He said she was pretty, and he tucked the picture under his pillow.Kel would’ve loved that.”
“Was he sad that she’s gone?”
“No, I don’t think so.I mean, I don’t think he fully understands, y’know?”
“Probably not.I remember my mom tellin’ me my dad was gone when I was little.As far as I know, he’s not dead, but I took it to mean that he was.I believed it until I was six or seven, when I heard my mom and Gran in the kitchen one day, mad because my dad had stopped sending child support.I think kids believe whatever’s easiest to explain.”
“Yeah, but not Stu.He heard the gossip, and instead of shruggin’ it off, he confronted me about it.I wonder how long he’s been chewin’ on this.”
“I told you he’s a great kid.Really smart.”Bumping my shoulder against Dixon’s, I said, “Like his dad.”
He scoffed and bumped back.“Oh yeah, I’m a regular Einstein.It was really smart of me to become an addict and abandon my kid.”
“Don’t talk about yourself like that.Why do you do that?”
His eyes slid to mine.He plucked at the grass beside the blanket, and then he turned to face me.“Because it’s true.”
“It’s not.Why can’t you see what I see when I look at you?”
“What do you see?”he asked, brushing his hands together, and blades of grass fell into his lap.
I faced him, too, crossing my legs in front of me again and straightening my spine.“I see a beautiful man who was smart enough to stay away from the people and the things he knew would hurt him until he was ready to face them.I see someone who can adapt and learn what he needs to survive.”
Dixon took another swig of the tea and handed the Thermos to me.
“And,” I said, nodding at the Thermos, “I see a man who knows his limits and what’s good for him.”
“It took a very long time for me to learn those things about myself, AJ.Probably a lot longer than most other people.”
“Would you like to know how long I wasted with that jerk, Cody?I thought I had limits and knew what was good for me, too, but he weaseled his way into my life and I let him.Gran and Mama kept tellin’ me to cut him loose, but I wouldn’t listen.”
“I’m sorry you had to go through that,” Dixon said, “but you finally did listen.I didn’t.I can’t even begin to remember how many times my family begged me to change my life, but I was stupid, and I thought I knew better.”
Grabbing his hand, I held it to my heart.“Not stupid, Dixon.Sick.”
He rolled his eyes and pulled his hand away.“Yeah.That’s what they tell me in NA.‘You were sick.Addiction is a disease,’ and I know it’s true, but sometimes it feels like an excuse, and I’m so fuckin’ tired of excusin’ all the bad shit I’ve done.I’m tired of my mama excusin’ it, and it really pisses me off when I hear people talkin’ like I didn’t have a choice ’cause I was”—he raised his hands in the air and mimicked quotations with two fingers—“‘sick.’”
He turned away and fell back onto the grass.“I did have a choice, Avery Jane.I chose wrong and look what it cost me.I’ll never get any of it back.I’ll never know what Stu’s first word sounded like.I didn’t get to hear his first laugh or feel his first hug.”
“You’re right,” I said.“Addiction stole those things from you, just like cancer steals and so do all kinds of other illnesses.”
“Goddammit.Now you’re doin’ it too.”
“What am I doin’?”
“Makin’ excuses for me.You sound just like my mother.”He turned his head slowly, the blue of his eyes lit by the moon and trained right on mine.“You’re such a dreamer.But tell me this: if your daddy came back, would you forgive him?He’s a drunk, right?That’s what your mama used to say.”
“I-I?—”
