“I was there the day you were born,” I said.“I was the first person to hold you.I was the guy who got to check to make sure you had ten fingers and ten toes.It’s a pretty important job.”
“Who’s my real mama?”he asked, his eyes roaming my face.They reflected the lake’s crystal waters and held more emotional intelligence than I’d ever had in my life, and I wondered if he’d been born with it, or if it was something he’d learned.
Sadness rushed to the forefront of my mind from the dark corners where it had set up permanent residence when I thought my friend’s name.“Her name was Kel.Kellie.She’s in Heaven.Do you know what that is?”
“Yeah.That’s where my pawpaw and my brother Duo are.Is she with them?”
“I suspect she is.”
“Good,” he said.“I’m glad she’s not alone.”
“Me too.But you’re not… mad that I didn’t tell you the truth?”
“No.I don’t think so, but Dad?—”
Just hearing it come out of his mouth, hearing my son call me “Dad” knocked me on my ass, and I sat in the dirt, looking up at the little wonder in front of me, studying my reaction.
He stepped closer and crouched, then crawled into my lap.I looked out at the lake, breathing in the scent of my son’s shampoo, watching as the water trapped the last of the sun’s rays beneath its smooth, sparkling surface before the mountain’s shade darkened everything and dragged us into the night.The new inn sat off in the distance behind a brush of trees, the waning light glinting off its windows.I hoped no one was watching while I tried to memorize how light Stu felt in my arms and the sweet way he smelled while I waited for him to finish his question.
“But Dad, where were you?Why weren’t you here when I was growin’ up?Is it because my real mama went to Heaven and you were sad?”
Squeezing my arms around him carefully, I let the warmth of his skin seep into mine.I had never really allowed myself to believe this moment was possible, and now that it was happening, I felt utterly unprepared, but so fucking thankful that I wasn’t sure I could contain it.
I didn’t know if I could be that strong.
When I could speak, I said quietly, “That’s part of it.But your mama and I were sick.Really sick, and neither one of us knew how to take care of you.That’s why I brought you to your daddy.I knew he could love you and make sure you didn’t get sick too.”
“Did you have the chicken pox?”
“No,” I answered, trying not to laugh, but it was just so perfect that he couldn’t yet imagine anything worse than chicken pox.
“Oh, ’cause Sydney at school had the chicken pox, and her mama wouldn’t let her play with anybody or come to school for a whole week!That’s bonkers.”
“No, luckily, we didn’t catch chicken pox, but we were sick with somethin’ else.It’s really serious and scary, and I didn’t want you to be around that.Besides, I had a lot I needed to learn before I could be your dad.”
He’d been playing with the cuff of my T-shirt and its frayed edge, but he looked up and trained his eyes on me, and suddenly, I felt all thirty-six of my years.Every single decision I’d ever made, or failed to make, hovered over my head like baseball-size hail ready to fall.
“I thought all dads are born knowin’ how to be good.”
“No, sometimes they aren’t so they have to learn.”
“Did you have to go to dad school?”
“Kind of but it’s not like your school.I didn’t have to go to a classroom.”
“Did you have a teacher?”
I thought about it.Yeah, I did have teachers.Many of them.Brenda and Brooks Coulter, Mo, even Nesty.Every person I’d ever met had taught me something important, something I would use in order to be a good dad to my son.
And AJ had helped me believe I could be.
“Yeah, I’ve had a lot of teachers.Some really good ones who taught me how to do good things, and some not-so-good ones who taught me whatnotto do.But do you know who my favorite teacher is?”
Stuey shook his head.
“You,” I said, smiling, because if he’d never been born, I wouldn’t have come home.I wouldn’t have fought so goddamn hard to deserve this precious life.And I wouldn’t be in this moment now, clearheaded and holding my son, loving him.
He giggled.“I’m not a teacher.”
