Spending the evening with Stuandgoing on a date with AJ?I had to be the luckiest fucker on the planet.
My excitement wavered a bit when I walked out of Mrs.Ellison’s house and a big, black SUV sped around the corner.I didn’t get a good look at the driver’s face or the license plates, but I texted my sister anyway, to let her know to be on the lookout in case it was Cody Mahone or his low man, Justin.
Abey texted back, “10–4,” and I knew she’d have things under control.
I left too early for my babysitting gig, so I stopped off at the cemetery to pay a visit to my old friend, Candy.She had always been the one person I couldn’t wait to share good news with.
When I got there and found her headstone, I could tell Athena and Stu had been there.Dried flowers lay at the edge of the stone, and two toy Matchbox trucks sat next to them.I wondered if AJ had made the bouquet for Athena.
Stu would’ve been told that the baby Candy had been carrying, who’d died when his mama died, was his brother, so it seemed fitting for Stu to leave toys for Bax Jr., or “Duo” as the headstone read.I had a faint memory of my brother calling his unborn son Duo, but I’d completely forgotten about it until this moment, when I saw it carved into a thick slab of granite.
The loss of that little boy and his mama had ruined my brother.I felt a pang of guilt and shame, remembering my desperate belief that replacing Duo with Stu was a good idea.
But I couldn’t bring myself to be too sorry about it, because even though Stu hadn’t replaced Duo in Bax’s and Athena’s hearts, my little boy’s presence had brought much-needed light back into their lives.
Was it wrong of me to bring Candy good news when she couldn’t experience it for herself?
I wasn’t sure, but my friend, the woman who’d loved me and supported me even though she knew what a fuck-up I’d been, would want to hear that I was happier than I’d ever been and that I was falling in l?—
Fallingin love?Or was I flat-out, crazy in love with AJ already?How long had it been?Two weeks?
That felt reckless and irresponsible, which was exactly the way my family would have described me five years ago.Were Abey and Roxi right that I shouldn’t be caught up in AJ’s life?
AA and NA would both dictate that I should slow down.Unexpected complications were well known for derailing a recovering addict’s sobriety journey.
“But she’s so much more than that,” I told the headstone.“You remember her, right?My little flower girl?If you knew her now, though, Candy, you’d understand.Actually, she reminds me of you.She seems to like me despite my past and all the stupid shit I’ve pulled.”
A warm afternoon wind tugged at my T-shirt, so I straightened it, hung my sunglasses from the neck, and ran my hands through my hair.
“I dunno why I’m here.I guess I… I guess I wanted to tell you I was home and that I still remember all the things you wanted for me in my life.It took me way too long, but I’m gettin’ there.
“And I wanted to tell you I’m sorry.You were a friend to me when no one else in the world wanted anything to do with me, and what did I do with that?I convinced myself I was in love with you because you were the only person who gave a shit.And then you died and I didn’t save you.
“Yeah, yeah, I know.I tried.There was nothin’ more I could’ve done.I know all the bullshit the therapists have to say about it, but I failed you.It’s still carved into my heart just like your name in this stone.”
Nudging Candy’s and Duo’s headstone with the tip of my boot, I admitted, “I wish I could’ve saved you the same way you saved me.You died not knowin’ that the unconditional love you gave me would lead me back home years later.And everything that happened led me to leave Stuart with Bax, and I think it was the best decision I’ve ever made.
“You should see him, Candy.He looks just like me, but Stu’s perfect and beautiful and funny.”
It was downright ridiculous, but I could’ve sworn I heard Candy’s voice in the air.It whispered through the boughs of the nearby trees, getting caught up in patchy swaths of sunlight.I closed my eyes and breathed, trying to remember all the good things she used to tell me I was capable of.
Maybe after all these years, she was right.
ChapterTwenty-Seven
Avery Jane
Even through texts,Dixon’s anxiety about doing and saying the right things around Stu was palpable.
Should I tuck in my shirt?
Is it ok to tell Stu jokes?Wait, forget that.All the jokes I know are about alcoholics or junkies
Maybe you should come watch Stu.I’m gonna fuck this up and then Bax will never let me see him again
Snap out of this, Dixon!You are NOT going to fuck it up.Just breathe and try to believe in yourself.I believe in you
Thank you
