Sadness must’ve shown on my face, because he rushed to explain.“But not because I didn’t wanna think about you.I pushed the thoughts away because I always remembered your smile and your goodness, and I knew I was lettin’ you down.Every time I started a fight at school or got suspended, I looked around for you, because I knew the disappointment I’d see on your face.Part of me feared your judgment, and the other part of me wanted to see it.If I knew I’d let you down, that meant I was doin’ a good job of fuckin’ up my life.That was my goal for a long time.If my dad didn’t love me, then clearly, no one else could.”
“I’m so sorry you had to go through that.”
He dismissed my concern, shifting in his seat, and he angled his body away from me slightly.
“I’m damn tired of talkin’ about myself,” he said.“So, what about men?You scoffed when I asked.”
“Yeah, ’cause there’s not much to tell.There have been a few guys over the years.There was one in college, but as soon as we graduated and he realized my little flower shop would never be his cash cow, he took off.I heard he married some trust-fund princess in Texas.And you already know about Cody.He’s the most notable because he’s a nuisance, but there were a couple others before him.No one to write home about though.
“No, I focused on the shop.It’s what makes me happy.Who needs love anyway?”
Dixon set his mug on the table.“Everyone?Literally everyone needs love, AJ.”
Shrugging, I said.“Well, maybe I don’t.”
We moved back into the living room and took our spots on opposite ends of the couch, facing each other, but this time I stretched out my legs, and Dixon relaxed his around mine and pulled my feet into his lap.
“So, if you don’t date and you hate everyone from high school, what do you do in your spare time?”
Kicking his thigh playfully, I said, “I don’thateanyone.We just grew apart.But if you must know, Gran’s been tryin’ to teach me to knit.Although I have to admit, it hasn’t been goin’ well, and also, I volunteer.”
“You do?”
“Yep, at Mountain Home, you know?The local retirement community.”
“It’s still there?It used to be pretty run down.”
“It’s still there, but they received a few large donations over the years, and now it’s not just for the elderly.They added a second wing, and they take in rehabilitation patients after injuries or difficult surgeries.They even offer scholarships to pay for care if someone can’t afford it or their insurance won’t cover it.A lot of times it’s kids.So, one day a week, I go and spend time with the residents, play games with them or take them for walks or whatever.
“And once a week, I deliver fresh flowers for the common rooms there.Gran still helps me put the bouquets together for the nursing home, and she jokes that when she can’t pee on her own anymore and we stick her in there, at least she knows she’ll have pretty flowers to look at.And then I deliver the bouquets, and it is the best feeling in the world, seeing the patients’ smiles when they smell the flowers, knowin’ somethin’ I did brightens their world for a moment.”
The smile on Dixon’s face grew, and his eyes glittered and lit up like the sun reflecting off a crystal alpine lake.“That’s the coolest thing I’ve ever heard.”
“What is?”
“You.You’re still the coolest girl, and you might think you don’t need love, but you got it inside you, and you give it away in spades.”
ChapterFourteen
Dixon
Going home again,this time in my own car I’d bought with money I’d earned legally, was weird.
But as I turned off Old Fish Creek Road onto the lane that would lead me to Merv’s place, I realized the fear I used to feel every time I stepped foot on my family’s land was gone.
It used to take at least three hydrocodone and two Xanax to get me up this road.
Now, though, I was clearheaded and free from all that bullshit.Noah Lee was dead, so that helped, but it wasn’t him on my mind anymore as gravel shifted and settled beneath my nearly bald tires.
The only person on my mind now was Stuart.
He was probably at school.Wait, is kindergarten all day or do they still go half days?It didn’t matter, though, because before I could see Stu and try to… whatever it was I was trying to do, I’d promised Merv I’d come back and we’d talk.
So that was my plan, but when I pulled up in front of her house, it wasn’t Merv I found.It was Bea.And she was alone.
“Hi,” she said as I got out of the El Camino.“Nice car.You gonna fix it up?”
“Yeah, I might.Just to give my hands somethin’ to do.”
