But I did know.I knew all too well what it felt like to be alone, without my family.Without love.Without hope.
That was the kicker; having hope again was a catch twenty-two.It could take me higher than any drug and drag me down lower than any rock bottom I’d ever faced.The hope that had embedded itself under my skin, the hope that my kid could ever love me, had the power to eviscerate me.
It was the scariest feeling I’d ever known.I hated it, but somehow I loved it, too, because if my son could learn to love me, I would be the richest man to ever walk the earth.
ChapterSix
Dixon
Abey and Brandsat on the Adirondack chairs on Merv’s porch while she took me on a tour of the house.She’d lived in it for several years, but it was new to me.
It felt weird to be in a home with her again, one I’d never seen the inside of, and memories of my childhood in the farmhouse Bax and my son now lived in flooded my mind.
For so long, I believed I deserved every bad thing in life, and if enough bad things weren’t happening to me, then I went out looking for more.
So many arguments and punishments flashed through my head, dinners I’d been denied because my father hated me and deemed everything I did to be wrong.I had no clue how many nights I’d gone to bed hungry, but however many, it was wrong and cruel, and it had taken me all my life to accept that those punishments came from a mean man with a mean heart and that I hadn’t deserved them.
AJ starred in those memories too.I wondered if she had any idea how much comfort she’d given me back then, when I was a little boy lost, when she brought me a blanket and a pillow in her granddaddy’s barn and slices of bread and butter and cookies because I’d been so hungry, I cried.And she’d wake me up before dawn so I could climb the gutter next to my bedroom window and sneak back into my own bed.
As I followed behind my mama, listening to her chatter about window coverings and nice furniture Brand had bought her, I wanted to know why she’d never stopped the abuse.I had a pretty good guess, but something inside me needed to hear her say it out loud.
She guided me to sit at her dinner table and sat next to me, but then she jumped back up.
“Coffee,” she said awkwardly.“I’ll make us some coffee.You still drink it?”
“No, ma’am.”
“Oh.Well, I’ll make some anyway.I still drink it, but decaf since my heart attack—” She stopped and looked at me.“Did your brother or sister tell you I had a heart attack?It’s been almost four years.”
“Yeah, Brand told me.Are you okay?How do you feel now?”
“Oh fine,” she said as she turned again and headed for her coffee maker.“I’m healthier now than I’ve probably ever been, but when it first happened, I had to make a lot of changes.I’d already quit smokin’, so caffeine was the next to go.”
“Good for you, Mama.I’m proud of you.”
As she waited for the coffee to start, she turned and leaned against her counter.“I’m proud of you too.A-are you… Do you plan to stay?”
“Yes, ma’am.I’m home for good, and I’m healthier than I’ve ever been too.That’s why no caffeine for me either.”
“I can see that.You’re like a different man.”
“No, same man, but now I know how to look after myself and make healthier choices.”
Jesus, could this conversation get any more uncomfortable?But an argument on the front porch interrupted us, and then I heard Brand raising his voice and telling Bax to wait.
He didn’t.Merv’s front door banged open, and then my oldest brother was there, standing right in front of me with dirty hands on his hips.He must’ve come from working the ranch.
After too many years between us, all he said was, “You’re here.”
“Yes,” I said, but I kept my ass in the chair because the anger and confusion pulsing out of him like a beacon needed space.I didn’t want to appear confrontational in any way.Not with Bax.
“Why?What do you want?You can’t have Stu.”
“Bax,” Abey and Brand pleaded quietly in unison behind our brother.
He shook his head.“No.It needs to be said.He left his kid on my goddamn doorstep.He can’t just breeze back into town and expect us to?—”
“Bax,stop,” Merv begged.
