“Okay, I understand that, but Dixon, you left.Bax is Stu’s dad now.I don’t know how else to say this to you, but you can’t just waltz back into town and expect to…”
“To what?”
“To be a dad.”
“I know that.And I’m not here to interfere or to take Stu away from Bax, but I’ve spent a long time preparing for this, and I want toknowmy kid.Is that wrong?”
Abey shook her head.“It’s not wrong.And please don’t misunderstand.I’m glad you’re home.You look good.You look… healthy.”
“I’m sober.That’s what you really wanna know, ain’t it?”
“Yes.It is.”
“I’ve been sober more than four years,” I said.
Her jaw dropped.“Fouryears?So you’ve been sober since Brand found you in California?And you didn’t come home till now?Why?”
“Just ’cause I wasn’t high, it didn’t mean I had my shit figured out.I had a lot of demons to come to terms with, and I wasn’t about to dump that on my kid’s front door.”
“I wish you would’ve called us though.I’ve been so worried about you.”
“I’m sorry, but that didn’t feel safe for me.Y’know?”
“Okay, but I just wanna make sure you’re prepared for what’s about to happen.Merv is gonna lose her shit and cry, and you can’t just walk into Bax’s house and announce that you’re Stuey’s dad.He doesn’t know you.”
“I’m not stupid, Abey.I wouldn’t do that.I-I… I just want to be part of his life.However I can.In whatever small way I’m allowed to be.That’s all.Did they… H-have they adopted him?Legally?”
She shook her head.“No.They tried but it was denied.The judge wouldn’t do anything without talkin’ to you.”
“Oh.”I wasn’t sure how I felt about that.Elated in one sense, but when I left Stu with Bax, I assumed if I ever saw them again, they’d be father and son.Officially.It was part of the reason I had to stay away.I didn’t know if I could see that, see their bond with my own eyes, and not run to the first dealer I could find.
Touching the tips of her fingers to the back of my hand resting on my leg, Abey smiled.“Have I told you I missed you?”
“I missed you too, sis.Now, drive.Let’s get this homecomin’ over with.”
Before Abeyand I left the station, I saw Roxi on her cell phone, whispering to someone.I assumed it was her husband, and now, when we pulled up to my brother’s house, listening to the slow pop and crackle of gravel beneath Abey’s tires, I knew I’d been right.
Brand opened his front door and stepped onto the porch.He whistled loudly, and after a few seconds, bullets of white came running to me from the trees.It took me a beat to realize the fluffy, flying fur balls were Tilly and Zephyr, the two Pyrs I’d trained back in Mad River, California after I first got sober.
As I stepped out of the truck, they rushed me, jumped on their hind legs, and tried to hug me and lick me to death, which, considering they were full grown Great Pyrenees and one of the largest breeds of guardian dogs, was like two non-violent polar bears converging on me.
“Mangy mutts,” I whispered, smiling, scratching behind their ears and pulling thistle out of their coats.These goofballs had been friends to me when no one else in the world was.
Brand had built himself and Roxi a log A-frame, nestled at the tip of an outstretched finger of the forest, surrounded on three sides by deep green pines and firs.The wood almost looked red against its mountain backdrop.
He descended his porch stairs slowly, taking me in.I couldn’t decipher the look on his face.He had to be angry with me.I’d promised him four years ago I’d come home, but all my promises back then had been hollow.Not that I made many.I didn’t know my sober self well back then, but I knew enough not to trust anything I said.
Things were different now.I’d spent the last four years learning who I was, what I was capable of, and what I wasn’t.
But if I made a promise now, I knew I could keep it.
I gave the command for the dogs to sit, and surprisingly, even after all the time that had passed, they did.
“Brand,” I said, and my voice cracked as I addressed the brother who’d tried to help me when I barely had the strength to accept it.When death, degradation, and despair had weighed me down like someone had dragged me to the edge of the ocean, wrapped me up in wool, and tied a brick around my shroud.
“Dixon.I thought we’d never see you again.”
Abey stepped from the truck and closed her door quietly, and the three of us stood there, just looking at each other silently.
