I finish the beer and go inside. The cabin is dark. I don't turn on any lights. Just go to bed and lie there in the blackness.
Sleep doesn't come for a long time.
When it does, I dream about things I can't have. When I wake up, it's four in the morning, and I'm hard, frustrated and angry at myself for wanting something that isn't mine to want.
I take another cold shower, get dressed, and make coffee that isn't as good as hers.
My phone shows a text from an hour ago.
Unknown number: Your lights are on. You can't sleep either.
Three words. That's all, but I know who it's from, she must have been looking over at my house to know my light is on.
I stare at the message. I should delete it and block the number. I really should do anything except what I actually do.
Which is save her contact, put her name next to it, and type back.
Me: No.
The dots appear immediately. She's awake. She's waiting.
Callie: This is a problem.
Me: I know.
Callie: What are we going to do about it?
I look at that question for a full minute. There's only one right answer. Only one answer that doesn't betray Luke, that doesn't complicate everything, and that keeps me where I'm supposed to be.
Me: Nothing.
The dots appear and disappear. Appear again. Disappear.
No response comes.
I set down the phone and walk out to the porch. The sun is starting to rise, another day beginning, and another day of wanting something I can't have and trying to be the man Luke thinks I am.
The man I'm supposed to be.
The phone buzzes. I don't look at it. Can't look at it. If I look at it, I'll say something I can't take back.
Do something I can't undo.
So, I stand there and watch the sunrise and ignore the buzzing in my pocket and tell myself this is how it has to be.
Even though every part of me wants to walk back inside, pick up that phone, and tell Callie Reyes exactly what I'm thinking.
Which is that nothing is not an option.
That I've tried nothing.
That nothing is killing me.
But I don't say any of that. I just stand there until the sun is fully up and the buzzing stops and I'm left alone with the choice I've made.
The right choice.
The only choice.
