I thought of the ways I had hurt her, betrayed her trust. I thought of the way she had lied to me and closed me out.
This should never have worked.
And yet, somehow, it had.
Because both of us wanted it, and both of us worked for it.
‘You saved me too.’
My heart was full, I understood what that meant now.
I would go to sleep at night and get up in the morning, and even if I was the only one in the bed I would not be alone. There was someone to remember me when I was not there and think of me when I did not think of myself.
Loneliness had lost its power over me, and all that was left, was love.
EQUINOX
XXVIII
There is not much more to tell, only that we were together, and we were happy.
I wrote to my family, telling them I had changed my mind and would stay with the Witch after all, and invited them to visit whenever they wanted.
It took a few months but eventually Klara came with her new husband, nervous and curious. I had not expected myself to be glad to see her, but I was. She had taken a step towards me, and I would take one towards her in return. For the first time, I thought perhaps I could have a relationship with my stepsisters on our own terms, without my father or stepmother involved.
The Witch was cautious at first, as spiky and awkward as I had ever known her, but I held her hand under the table all through dinner, and over coffee she asked Klara what her travels to Venice were like and my heart swelled with pride.
The blackthorn still grew wild, but no worse than any hedge, and I had picked a ripe harvest of sloe berries the autumn before. They were bitter, but I knew so many ways to make them sweet.
Life began to take shape.
Wolf arrived one day carrying the same travelling cloak and carpetbag she had left with. She still eyed me disapprovingly, but after she and the Witch disappeared into her study for a few hours, she emerged with a slightly softened expression and even deigned to speak with me occasionally.
We remained half-tethered to the castle; time still had to be spun, but now that life flowed freely, bountifully through its walls the wheel seemed content enough to let time grow fat and many-hued on the spindle, ever replenishing and rich. The Witch began to teach others to spin. Me, at first, though I had no knack for it, then Wolf, who was quickly competent and worked up great spools of thread.
I would never travel. I would never see the new German Empire, or Paris, or the ocean or any of the things I had once imagined. There was a cost to my life with the Witch, but I was willing to pay it.
If we could not go to the world, the world could come to us.
We flung open the doors to everyone, the hall roaring with fires in all four fireplaces and the great spur of limestone glowing. My father and stepmother never came but I understood him better now, and needed him less. He knew he had not done right by me, and it was easier for him to avoid that shame by avoiding me.
When I felt ready, I wrote a long letter for Frau Hässler about her children. I told as much of the truth as I could, but sweetened the story. It was the only kindness I could offer. After several months I had a letter in return from her grandniece to arrange the return of Frieda’s remains; she shared the news that my father now paid them a generous stipend.
The only true regret I had was that I could not visit my mother’s grave.
The darkness would cross my Witch’s face sometimes, the deep marks of sadness and grief that never quite left her. ‘I should have thought of it before,’ she would say, and all I could do was pull her close and remind her that she had done everything she could.
Sometimes she would turn away, push me off her lap because her legs were going numb.
But sometimes she would hold my face in her hands, thumb brushing my lip, and say, ‘I would never have broken the curse without you.’
However many years I loved the Witch, I didn’t think I would ever get used to her looking at me like that.
She surprised me with a gift one autumn. A carriage waiting at the door, packed with flowers.
‘Go,’ she said softly, kissing my hand. ‘See your mother.’
I had never told her the exact date of her death, but somehow the Witch had found out, and she would bear the weight of the wheel alone for whatever time I needed.
