‘Hindsight always makes us into fools. The only path open to us is to do the best we can with the knowledge we have.’
‘Is that what you were thinking when you got yourself stabbed?’
She wanted to take back the words as soon as she said them. Guil’s expression hardened.
‘Injury is an occupational hazard.’
‘It is if you fling yourself into the path of danger like that!’
‘I did what I thought was best.’
‘I told you not to. I told you to run.’
‘And if I had listened you would be dead.’
‘You don’t know that.’ She knew she sounded like a petulant child and she hated it. She tried again. ‘My life isn’t worth risking yours. I don’t ever want to ask that of you.’
Guil hauled himself upright, wincing as the movement pulled at his stitches. His face was like thunder. Camille had never seen him quite like this.
‘I am not here simply to dispense wisdom and support you in your choices,’ he said. ‘I am part of this because I want to be. I know you think you are responsible for us all, but don’t you dare take my agency from me. This was my choice.I have made bad choices and good choices in this life, but they are my own choices. I thought if anyone you would understand that.’
She licked her lips, searching for the right words. ‘I do. I’m sorry. You’re right, but please take better care of yourself. Not just for my sake – for yours too.’
He took her hand again. ‘Only if you’ll promise me the same thing.’
‘Ah, well. That’s us both doomed, then.’ She squeezed his hand with a smile, then pulled away.
‘Camille…’
‘No, it’s okay. We don’t have to talk about it.’
‘But I want to talk about it. I … care for you. In a way I know you cannot return. I am telling you this because I want you to know that I do not see your friendship as a consolation prize. Your friendship is far more important to me than any fantasy of a different relationship. This life – what we do to help people – that is the prize. I wonder sometimes if the reason I first felt something for you is because I saw a fresh purpose in the battalion. You stood for something I could understand. Perhaps I have been using the battalion for my own ends. Perhaps I have been using you.’
Camille held his gaze, taking in the deep brown of his eyes, the scar that flecked one eyebrow. ‘None of us is perfectly selfless in this.’
‘No, I suppose not. But I want more from myself. I could have stayed back in Marseille, safe with my family. Taken on my father’s business, lived a life of trade and prayer, but that is not me.I may get hurt. I may die because of the choices I make. But I would rather die fighting for something good than live in mediocrity. The choices we make are all we have that define us. They are all we can leave behind of ourselves. So, no, I will make no promise not to get hurt. Or not to take risks when I think they are necessary. I could, but then I would not be myself.’
He broke off, grimacing, one hand pressed to his bandaged side.
‘All right, all right.’ Camille blinked away her tears. ‘Be your annoying self. God, you’re all so frustrating.’
‘And yet, we are your family.’
‘Yes. You are.’
‘Because you are my family, I will say one more thing: we tell ourselves both sides are as bad as each other, and that is why we can sit in the middle, doing our work and exempting ourselves from judgement. Do you really think that’s true?’
Camille’s expression fell. ‘You know I do.’
‘I don’t think you do. I think you know as well as I do that sitting on the fence doesn’t make you free from guilt – it makes you complicit. I know neither of us want the Royalists back, but if we cannot save the Revolution, what else will happen?’
She opened and closed her mouth, unable to answer. Because he was right. If the Revolution fell, any chance for change would be lost. But what would be the cost of keeping it alive?
‘I don’t mean to make you work out where you stand right now – but I fear it won’t be long before we are forced to choose. And I know, for myself, I want to choose well.’
Camille buried her face in her hands. ‘Can we go back to talking about your unrequited love for me? That conversation was easier.’
He laughed, letting the tension ease.
