Smiling wide, Court nods. “Right next to you, babe. Now, go get her before she runs off to be the lead singer of a garage band.”
I take one last bite, throw off my blanket, and sit up. “Girls,” I call, hoping they’re willing to have a middle-of-the-night huddle with their mom because it’s about time I apologize and involve them in this next stage of our lives. Hopefully it’s the best.
ChaptEr 44
Candace
“Mom, chill. Everything’s going to be fine.” Kate reassures, patting my arm as I practice my speech repeatedly.
“Yeah, Mom, just go in there and show them who’s boss.” Madison hypes me up with a whole new confidence about her.
The meeting started ten minutes ago. I've spent the last nine pacing the hallway, talking myself out of this. Last night went amazingly, we ran through all the outcomes, and I stayed up all night psyching myself up for what I’m about to do. I was so wired this morning that I forgot to brush my teeth and left the house anyway, not caring at all.
“What am I saying again?” I ask, in between my aggressive nail-biting.
“You’re making a grand gesture, telling Nat and everyone else that you love her,” Madi says firmly, gripping my hand tight.
“Yeah, tell her you wanna kiss her and love her and make hundreds of babies with her,” Kate says, making kissing noises to her sister. “Wait, how do two girls make a baby together?”
“Later, Kate. It’s time to go to class, girls.” I kiss them both, sending my little romance cheerleaders on their way.
As if I wasn’t sweating enough, the door squeaked like it had been made hundreds of years ago, drawing everyone’s eyes to me.
“Candace,” Betty growls. “You know the rules: any later than ten minutes and you have to go home.” Her face scrunches with fury as she aggressively points to the door.
“Fuck youandyour stupid rules.” I roar, throwing my bag onto the table.
“I beg your…”
“I’m speaking now, Betty. Sit down and shut up. I went my whole life living for everyone else. Killing myself to meet their bullshit expectations, and it was still never enough. I gave up everything I had, all the things that made me Candace, and it still wasn’t enough. I stripped myself bare. It’s about damn time I start living for myself.” Catching Betty by surprise has only fueled my confidence, giving me the boost I needed to keep going.
Nat’s eyes are glued to me, her hand grips her phone tightly as puts together what I’m doing. The other women’s jaws are practically on the floor, except for Betty, whose fingernails are tapping on the table, waiting for me to finish so she can reprimand me.
“Not that it isanyof your business, but along my journey of finding happiness, I fell in love with someone I never expected, and now she’s the one person I can’t live without. She’s my best friend, lover, and favorite person in the entire world. Not only is she funny as hell, witty, and knows more about music than you do about your bank accounts. She’s incredibly caring andselfless. She saw the best in me when I couldn’t even look in the mirror. I’m so tired of staying silent, too afraid of failing again if I don’t tell her how I feel, I’ll be eaten alive with regret.”
My hand shakes as I fumble through this last part, but one look at her softens my nerves and reminds me why I’m here. “Natalie Reynolds, I love you more than I can even comprehend. You make the good days brighter, and you hold me through the bad ones. I love the way your scent stays on my pillow after you’ve left. To fall asleep, I hold my pillow up against my cheek, sniffing your laundry soap that makes you smell spicy. You push me to be better when I’m too stubborn to listen, and you call me out when I’m stuck in my head. My future isn’t mine if you’re not in it, so let me lay down any dignity I have left and ask you to come back to me. Be mine, my partner, girlfriend, lover, whatever you wanna call it, just be with me because I can’t live one more second without you.”
“Wait a minute,” Betty stops me, hands planted firmly on the table, standing back up. “You mean to tell me you stopped our meeting to announce you’re suddenly gay and have fallen in love with the substitute English teacher? How disgraceful,” she scoffs, grabbing her purse to leave.
Nat sits up quickly, throwing daggers at Betty. “The only disgraceful thing about this is the time she squirted on my massive dildo.”
“Stand down, Nat,” I warn, pointing to her chair.
“Yes, ma’am.” She salutes, sitting back down.
“That’s exactly what I’m saying, Betty. So I’ll be taking my purse and calendar and wishing you all the best of luck because, I quit. This place will suck your soul away if you’re not careful. Hopefully, you all take this as a sign to look inwards and live more authentically so you don’t miss out on the best parts of life. Any further questions?” I ask cheerfully, looking around at all the stunned faces.
Sweet Denise shyly raises her hand. “So if you’re with a woman, what happens when you’re both on your periods?” She whispers under her breath.
“Oh, we abstract fingerpaint on our stomachs.” Nat blurts out, pushing herself away from the table.
“Nat, let’s go,” I say, shouldering my bag and leading us out.
The women are silent, which is a first. We leave the room quickly before anyone asks what a dildo is. Once we’re in the hall, alone, the adrenaline slips away, and I recall everything I just said.
“Holy shit!” Nat yells, pulling my face towards hers. “Where did that come from?” Are you drunk or something?”
“I can assure you I’m very much sober, and all too aware of the scene I just made.” My voice cracks as I come down from the high of my public love declaration.
