*sound of chair scraping across floor*
Justin:[sighing] What are you doing now?
*cutlery clattering*
Justin:Come out, Liv, you can’t hide under the table.
LC:Why not? I’m going to enjoy my cheesecake under here – is that acrime? I happen to like eating under the table. This is where I eat most of my meals.
Justin:[inaudible]
Waiter 1:Here’s your dessert, madam, er, miss. On the house.
Justin:Please come out.
LC:No! I’m not coming out. I’ve chipped my Shellac getting under here, I can’t risk ruining another nail crawling out. Look at this one, it got broken! On a spoon!
Justin:Please, Liv.
LC:Are you cheating on me? Is that why you’re dumping me?
Justin:No.
LC:So, you just don’t fancy me anymore?
Justin:[inaudible]
LC:Well, you should know your penis isn’t even that great. I know I said it was, but I say that to every guy I sleep with, and I was totally lying in your case. It’s not even in the top three of penises I’ve seen. I wouldn’t even say top fifty actually.
Justin:[inaudible]
LC:Don’t slut shame me! I had a very prolific university era, thank you.
Justin:[inaudible]
LC:Do you remember when I got you that supercar driving experience for Christmas, Justin? You said I was the best girlfriend ever. Was that just a lie?AndI came along to watch even though it was the most boring day imaginable.
Justin:You said it was fun.
LC:I waslying, Justin. I was trying to be the best girlfriend ever, because that’s what you said I was. Well, I want that souvenir model car I bought you back.
Justin:You can’t just take gifts back, Liv.
LC:[through mouthfuls of cheesecake] You’ve taken back your love, so I can take Percy the Porsche back.
Waiter 1:Can I get you anything else, mada— miss?
LC:No, I’m done with this cheesecake and I’m done with this man. Please bring me the bill, I’m paying. Like always.
Justin:[muttering] Not always…
LC:[table scraping on floor] Oh! And yes, for the record, I would like to insult more of your mum’s soft furnishings. THEY’RE FUCKING HORRIBLE. WHY WOULD SHE HAVE SO MANY PURPLE SCATTER CUSHIONS? AND I DON’T NEED TO BE TOLD TO LIVE OR LOVE OR LAUGH WHEN I’M IN THE DOWNSTAIRS SHITTER. IT WOULD BE FUCKING WEIRD TO BE LAUGHING WHILE HAVING A POO ACTUALLY.WEIRD, JUSTIN. AND REMEMBER HOW SHE BOUGHT ME ONE OF THOSE SIGNS FOR CHRISTMAS AND I LAUGHED POLITELY WHEN SHE WOULDN’T SHUT UP ABOUT HOW FUNNY IT WAS THAT IT SAYS LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH WHEN I’M CALLED LIV? WELL, IT WASN’T ACTUALLY FUNNY AT ALL, JUSTIN. I WAS LIE-LAUGHING. I WAS LIV, LIE, LAUGH.
Justin:[stunned silence]
LC:LIV, LIE, FAKE LAUGH, JUSTIN. THAT WAS OUR WHOLE RELATIONSHIP.
[watch again?]
