‘I get the feeling Mrs Finch on the ground floor could do with it,’ I reply, coughing through the giggles. ‘It’s certainly made me feel much better. I think that might be even better than kickboxing for releasing my female rage.’
We lie there, side by side on my bed, staring at the ceiling.
‘Jools told me what happened,’ Sam says at last.
‘Fucking Edward,’ I reply calmly. ‘He stole my job, and he let me think that we… that I…fucking Edward.’
‘Fucking Edward,’ she agrees. ‘Had you already told him? Had you already found him and said what you went to say; about how you feel – felt?’ She turns to look at me and, after a moment’s hesitation, I nod.
‘Shit,’ she breathes.
‘Fucking Edward.’
‘What did he say though? When you said it?’ she asks, andI close my eyes, feeling that tangled knot of wires inside me getting more knotted and more tangled at the thought of our lift conversation. And what happened after that.
‘We kissed,’ I admit, remembering the feel of his mouth on mine. Feeling the shape of his fingers on my face. Reliving the way his body felt, pressed up against mine.
‘Nooo!’ Sam cries. ‘Oh, babe.’ She sighs. ‘I feel terrible. The first proper test I had when it came to our newly boundaried-friendship and I failed. I immediately encouraged you to run headfirst, straight into a terrible choice. What a crappy person I am.’
‘No, you didn’t and no you’re not!’ I open my eyes and turn to her. ‘This isn’t your fault. Like I said, I was doing it with or without your endorsement.’ I frown. ‘Andyoushouldn’t feel terrible,he’sthe one who screwed me over and then kissed me – twice! He’s the crappy person!’ I sigh. ‘Heknewhow desperate I was not to lose my job atMorning Tea, and he casually took it from me, behind my back, not even bothering to give me a heads up that it was happening. In fact’—I sit up, pointing an angry finger—‘he was pretending to help me get it back! He’s the one who should feel terrible.’ She nods as I sigh and then continue, ‘Plus… I’m kind of glad I said it, even after everything I found out next. It was how I felt, and – if Edward gave me nothing else – I do at least agree with what he said about me being more honest. With myself and everyone else. I need to stop pushing down my feelings. I’ve got to let them out. Otherwise I’m in serious danger of becoming a bitch eating crackers aboutthe whole world. About all of mankind. About society as a whole.’
‘Bitch eating crackers?’ Sam frowns and sits back up. ‘What the hell does that mean?’
‘It’s the phenomenon where, when you hate someone enough, everything they do riles you up. Even something innocuous like them eating a cracker can irritate the fuck out of you. It’s actually very common, we all have something or someone we feel Bitch Eating Crackers about.’
‘Yes!’ Sam says loudly. ‘I loathe my boss so much that even his breathing makes me crazy in meetings now.’
‘He is a bitch eating crackers,’ I say seriously. ‘You are full BEC about him. And fair enough, actually, because he is a knob.’ I pause. ‘Anyway, I need to release these furious feelings, or they’ll consume me.’
‘Okay, so let’s release them.’ She turns to face me again and her expression is serious. ‘How do you feel now about Edward? Right now. All of the feelings, good and bad – go.’
I consider her question and take a deep breath, sitting up straighter. ‘I feel sad and angry and let down. I feelreallydisappointed. I thought he was someone I could trust and believe in. I feel stupid for not knowing he’d replaced me, and embarrassed that everyone else obviously knew.’ I pause. ‘I feel hurt.’ My breathing gets a little ragged. ‘It’s uncomfortable, here in my stomach.’ I move my hand to the painful centre. ‘It just feels very… shit.’
‘It is very shit,’ she acknowledges. ‘And is he the only one you’re upset with?’
I shake my head, finding it easy to locate answers. The therapy has helped me grab onto things – internal things – more easily. ‘Actually, no! I’m angry with my producer, Spencer, for doing this to me, too. Why did he say I could keep my job if he didn’t mean it? Why hasn’t he told me to my face that he’s given someone else the role? I’m angry at Fabian, my agent, for not stopping this from happening or warning me.’ I sigh. ‘I guess I’m even kind of angry with Jools, even though I know it’s not fair. She should’ve made sure I knew about Edward. And she should’ve quit her job in a blaze of fury and stormed out when they replaced me.’ I meet Sam’s eyes. ‘I know, I know! That’s absurdly irrational, I’m just saying it out loud.’ She smiles, as I add quickly, ‘And now I’ve said it, I’m not angry with her anymore.’ I shrug. ‘Also, to be fair, she did try to tell me about him and I wasn’t listening. I was too much in my own head. She tried, even without knowing the history between us, and she is the best.’
‘She is very cool.’ Sam nods. ‘But just so you know, theoretically, I would’ve quit my job in a blaze of fury and stormed out on your behalf.’
‘That’s why you’re my best friend,’ I say.
‘In fact, would you like me to quit my job in a blaze of fury?’ she offers, hope in her voice. ‘I’d really love to, please tell me to do it. Give me an ultimatum if you like? If it’s my job or our friendship, I’ll quit right now!’ She picks up her phone looking excited and I laugh, pushing it out of her hand and back down on the bed.
‘Let’s park that idea for now,’ I tell her. ‘Until we’ve worked out how you would, y’know,live.’
‘Fine,’ she sighs, then looks at me with a serious expression. ‘C’mon, we haven’t finished here. We need to dig much harder. So, tell me, why do we think Edward might’ve lied to you?’
‘He’s a little chicken shit?’ I offer sweetly. She smirks but holds the silence. I tut. ‘Okay, I guess…’ I pause, then take a deep breath. ‘Maybe he was worried about how I’d react.’ I think about this for a second. ‘We’re colleagues, he was my therapist. Aaaand he’d just been witness to a very public example of how I take bad news or perceived betrayal. He might’ve been concerned that I would hide under a table with some kind of cake and scream at him about his mum’s decor.’
‘That’s true.’ She nods sagely.
‘Okay, well, he shouldn’t have taken the job in the first place!’ I cry, and she raises her eyebrows.
‘And why do we think he might have taken it?’
I inhale, trying not to roll my eyes at this coolheaded therapist version of Sam. Given the choice, I way prefer the drama loving bad influence. ‘I guess… I mean, Isupposehe probably saw it as an amazing work opportunity, that anyone would be mad to turn down. I guess Edward could see that being on TV will open him up to a whole new world of work offers and clients. Plus, well, there’s very decent money involved.’ I sigh again. ‘But basically, if he liked me enough, he would’ve chosen not to hurt me.’
‘To be fair, you didn’t know each other so well then,’ Sam points out. ‘You were still ignoring him in the lift and pulling a face as you whispered about his Ken doll smooth crotch and sewn up butthole. Neither of you had figured out your feelings.’
