I laugh. ‘I’m not sure I could cope with that. I’m terrified of being late for anything as it is.’
She raises an eyebrow. ‘Oh, mate, youcouldn’tbe late back then. If you were late, everyone would’ve already left Woolworths without you. You’d have missed all the shoplifting from the sweets’ section.’
I laugh again, then take a moment. ‘Do you think things have gotten any better?’ I ask seriously. ‘For women, I mean.’
She considers this. ‘No, not really.’ She shakes her head. ‘I think things aredifferentfor women now, but it seems sadly clear the likes of Trump and Tate have proved things aren’t anybetterfor us.’
I nod sadly.
She goes on, ‘I think there was a small window of time, maybe ten years ago, where feminism got too powerful for them.’ She rests her head on a hand. ‘The patriarchy, I mean. We seemed like we were turning a corner. We had proper feminist icons to look up to. We were acknowledging the complicated feelings of being a woman. We had #MeToo, and we were starting to have proper conversations about intersectional feminism.’ She winces. ‘To me, it seems pretty obvious that men were feeling embattled and inconvenienced by having to examine something in detail that they’d never thought much about. Even the decent ones didn’t likethe movement because it made them feel embarrassed and ashamed to be reminded of their power and their privilege. Not to mention that the status quo had suited them all for so long. And we all know what powerful people do when they want to destroy a movement: they divide us up.’ She shakes her head. ‘And they’ve done itsosuccessfully since. They convinced a whole subsection of feminists that their real enemy were trans women – how miserable is that? That the real problem lay with who was using what loo, and whether a tiny minority of already vulnerable and suffering women had thecorrectgenitalia. And then the patriarchy told young women that every older woman was an awful TERF. Then young women were labelledbasicorpick me girls. Then conservatives convinced another subsection of silly young women to reject feminism altogether and embrace being trad wives. As if they ever could’ve even made that choice without feminism! Oh, and then they piled in on women who speak up, calling them “Karens”.’ She shakes her head again. ‘That whole Karen thing started out as a genuinely important conversation about white women misusing their power – it was a race issue – and nowKarenhas turned into something we labelanywoman who dares to be angry or moan.’ She shrugs. ‘I have a couple of friends who are actually called Karen, and you shouldseethem bending over backwards to be nice and polite, and repress themselves, out of fear that their online namesake will hold true.’ She sighs. ‘It’s been very effective. We’ve been divided and conquered. Feminism feels quite broken and confused again lately.’
I listen to her impassioned speech with awe. She’s right, of course she is. The patriarchy has somehow persuaded women to turn on each other. It’s the same thing the rich and powerful right wing has done – told us to blame each other instead of them. Blame immigrants, blame the even poorer than you, blame the vaccines, blame the conspiracy theorists, blameanyoneexcept the billionaires.
‘Women have to be in this together,’ she continues with steel in her voice. ‘We can talk to men about allyship and being feminists all we like, but they’re not invested. They can’t be trusted to really care, it’s not in their interest.’ She pauses. ‘Did you know, after Sarah Everard was murdered in 2021, thousands – thousands! – of men signed up for a feminist course called “Exploring Masculinities and Allyship Training for Men”. About ninety per cent then just… didn’t show up. They signed up, took the credit, felt good about themselves, then went right back to pretending there is no problem. They just don’tfeel itin the same way. They see us in their workplaces, they see us in government and speaking out in public – and they think we’re just being greedy asking for more. They don’t know how insidious and sinister sexism still is.’
I nod vigorously, feeling furious and self-righteous and powerful. I reach over to take her hand, and I squeeze it.
No wonder we’re all so fucking angry.
[LIVE] EXPLORE FOLLOWING FRIENDS FOR YOU
MorningTeaVids
41 weeks ago
RELATIONSHIP EXPERT LIV CARPENTER ON MORNING TEA SAYS DIFFERENCES CAN MAKE OR BREAK A FRIENDSHIP
Liv:Hi everyone! What a busy morning it’s been so far on the show. And there’s more to come. Next up on the line we have the lovely Julie – are you there, Julie?
Caller:Yes, hello, Julie here.
Liv:You’ve been having some issues with a close friend, am I right?
Caller:[sad sigh] Yes, and I don’t know what to do, or if there’s any coming back from this. We’ve known each other since we were at school, and always had the same kind of liberal views on stuff. But she’s changed so much in the last few years and started saying some really horrible things. It really upsets me and I don’t understand how she can see things that way. I’ve mostly backed down when she’s brought it up, because she’s soaggressiveabout her views, and it all feels so personal. But I’m so mad at her and I don’t know how to get over that. Or if I even should!
Liv:The political climate right now – and in recent years – has become so fraught. Itdoesfeel personal a lot of the time. It’s okay to feel angry.
Caller:But I keep seeing stuff online about how we should all beable to disagree on our politics and keep a civil discourse – all of that – without losing friends, but this shit is serious—
Liv:Whoops, sorry to the viewers about the swearing.
Caller:Oh right, yeah, sorry. [another deep sigh] I’m just so frustrated, Liv. This was someone I used to be able to talk to aboutanything. Now all she does is shout me down. And when I do get a word in edgeways and try to tell her my point of view – the one she used to share! – I just get calledwokeand sneered at for having empathy. I don’t know what to do, please help me.
Liv:I know a lot of agony aunts would tell you to put aside your differences, agree to disagree, and avoid talking about the upsetting stuff. Some might even tell you to do the opposite and get into it with your friend – have the conversation and work it out! Listen and try to understand! Run towards the fire! But I’m not going to say that.
Caller:You’re not?
Liv:No! Because I think she’s behaving horribly! Let’s put aside the actual differences and how sad it is that she’s gone down this brainwashed road, because the issue at the heart of this is that she’s being pretty vile to you about it all! Isshein agonies right now, worrying about upsetting you with her opinions? It really doesn’t sound like it! It sounds like she keeps insisting on shoving them in your face and down your throat. And then insulting you because you don’t share them. How is that a good friend?
Caller:That’s so true…
Liv:And honestly, do you actually have anything in common anymore, beyond a shared history?
Caller:God, I guess… no, not really!
Liv:Sometimes we as humans think we have to cling onto things from our past, because they’ve been important to us once or there are good memories attached. But do you think the pain of losing her now will be worse than enduring this kind of twisted relationship for the rest of your life?
Caller:[long pause] No.
