Arshiya gives her a sad smile. ‘Sam,’ she begins carefully, and I can hear the professional twang to her voice. ‘We talked about this. If tonight is going to work, we can’t do this.’ Sam looks crestfallen but nods.
The milling continues until the pizza arrives, and I carry the boxes through and into the kitchen. Sam serves the hot side salad we made, fresh from its boil, consisting entirely of steaming kale and tomatoes. We all take our seats around the table, Sam and I sat at one end, Edward and Arshiya at the other. The noise of everyone talking is loud and comfortable, but I feel all weird and itchy. I can’t stop sneaking glances over at the other end of the table. Are Edward and Arshiya talking about me? Is she telling him the same thing she told me? After all, if she’s so badly got the wrong end of the stick when it comes to Edward’s feelings for me, might she also think I feel the same? What if she told him I was interested in him?
Because ew! Right? Ew? Thatishow I feel about the idea of Edward liking me. Isn’t it? I mean, maybe notewexactly. More just… confusion. Because he’s always been so cool and distant. So professional and po-faced around me. If anything, it seemed clear he didn’t like me at all.
Beside me, Fran leans closer. ‘So, Liv, are you okay?’ They smile. ‘I’m not asking as a therapist by the way, none of us are in work mode tonight! I’m asking as your friend – I know it’s been a rough time for you.’
I nudge a grateful shoulder into theirs. ‘Thanks, mate,’ I say quietly, then realise the whole table has quietened,awaiting my response. ‘It has been rough – itisrough,’ I concede, making eye contact with Edward and quickly looking away. ‘But…’ I trail off, not knowing what answer will placate this group of friends-cum-professionals. ‘… you know, I’ll be okay.’
Sam leaps in. ‘Can youbelievethat dickhead Justin already has a new girlfriend?’ Her voice is outraged, but in that delighting-in-it kind of way.
Next to her, Jamal gasps. ‘No way!’ he says loyally. ‘Already?’
I nod wanly and Fran tuts. ‘What an arsehole.’
‘Do you think he overlapped?’ Arshiya frowns at the end of the table.
I make a face. ‘That was the first thing I wondered, too, but no, I don’t think so. He was a lot of things, but I’m pretty sure he wasn’t a cheater.’
‘I think I’d rather have a cheater than a man-child who couldn’t do his own washing,’ Sam mutters, and I shoot her a look.
‘He sounds very immature,’ Fran pronounces sourly. ‘A lot of men like that need to immediately leap into another relationship. He needs to be mothered at all times.’
‘That’s what I said!’ Sam says proudly, looking over at me with eyes that sayI am one of you.
I put my elbows on the table, narrowly missing a slice of errant pepperoni. ‘But that’s the thing! This new girlfriend – her name is Orla – she seems like she would never, ever mother someone.’ I eye Sam. ‘She wouldn’t put up with thatkind of crap. She seems to have her life – her everything – so sorted. She’s this evolved, level-headed queen of the world. She’s cool and sexy, with a great career, great skin, great hair…’
‘Um, it sounds like you’ve googled her,’ Edward comments disapprovingly from the other end of the table. I look away. Yeah, asifI’ve stopped at only googling her.
‘I know it’s not healthy,’ I say, feeling a spike of irritation at his judgemental tone. We’re supposed to be here as friends tonight, not judgy therapising judges. ‘But I’m just… I don’t know,fascinatedby this woman. She’s managed to turn Justin into a fully functioning human being in the space of a few weeks, while I got nowhere close in over a year, despite all my best efforts.’
Edward frowns. ‘I don’t think anyone should be responsible for changing another—’
‘We nearly met her!’ Sam reveals excitedly, and I fight the urge to throw a cold onion ring at her. She’s sharing too much; too thrilled to have everyone’s attention. ‘We followed Justin and Orla to a Build-A-Bear workshop.’
‘Sam!’ I say too loudly, and she grimaces.
‘Sorry,’ she says, regretful but happy. ‘It just slipped out.’
I catch this group of highly experienced and qualified psychotherapists exchange looks, and I burn with shame.
‘I just want to talk to her; to meet her,’ I explain quietly. ‘I just want to see what she has that I don’t.’
‘That’s not how it works,’ Edward says kindly. ‘All you’re doing is torturing yourself by obsessing over this woman.You need to block them both on all platforms and stop looking altogether. You have to focus on your own journey.’
I hold my hands up. ‘All right, Edward!’ I force a laugh. ‘Our next therapy session isn’t until Monday. Back off!’ I mean this to sound light; to defuse the situation, but instead it heightens everything. The room falls silent.
‘Sorry,’ I add quickly. ‘I do know what you mean, and I agree with everything you’re saying, of course I do. I understand it’s incredibly unhealthy to be researching this woman and comparing myself to her or to their relationship.’ I clear my throat. ‘I will do what you’ve suggested – I’ll block them both – and make sure I’m purely focused on myself from here on out.’ I pause. ‘Okay?’
Everyone around the room nods, but no one is meeting my eyes. They didn’t buy what I’m selling. After a minute, the group resumes slowly eating their pizzas. Jamal is so flustered, he even helps himself to some hot kale, offering some up to Fran as well. They both peer at it with horror, their expressions confused and frightened.
Across the table, I meet Sam’s eyes. She gives me a tiny smile, and I return it after a moment. We both know I’m talking horseshit and don’t mean a word of it. In fact, we already have a new plan to find and speak to Orla, face-to-face. And we’re implementing it tomorrow.
[LIVE] EXPLORE FOLLOWING FRIENDS FOR YOU
MorningTeaVids
39 weeks ago
