I cluck at this because I’m trained to protest when a woman over thirty makes any kind of negative comment about her age.
Jools sighs. ‘Anyway, I assumed maybe you were trying to put it out of your head and didn’t want to talk about it. I never even considered that you hadn’t seen the stuff on TikTok! I would’ve warned you. I hate that you had to hear about it from that mean little man-child, Spencer. How awful.’
‘Don’t be silly, Jools,’ I rush to reassure her. ‘You were great – youaregreat. And it’s so brilliant to see you.’ I smile. ‘I’ve missed you.’
She leans back in the booth, relief on her face, as Sam and Andi re-join us. They’re carrying sugary glasses of weird-coloured drinks, and it briefly reminds me of that stupid mindless game I was playing on my phone during my Edward session.
‘So, tell us how therapy’s going so far,’ Jools says conversationally. ‘I know you love talking attachment styles on theMorning Teasofa! Have you figured yours out yet?’ She laughs nicely and Andi nods encouragingly.
‘I don’t have any attachment styles,’ I say quickly as Sam makes a face.
‘Liv kept postponing the start date, so she’s only had one session so far. This past Monday. And she isn’t giving it a fair shot.’
I shoot her an annoyed look. ‘I am! I will. It’s only been one hour of it so far. I’ve got another five to go, so we’ll see what happens.’
‘Have you been doing your therapy homework?’ she asks judgementally, and I nod with outrage.
‘I have actually!’ I insist. ‘I’ve filled in the stupid anger therapy workbook, like he told me to. But I’ve also spent this week trying to get my life back on track.’ I nod to Jools. ‘You remember I was working on a book?Orange Flags?’ Jools nods as Andi looks intrigued. ‘Well, they’ve paused publication on it, but I figure I might as well get it started.’
‘That’s a great title!’ Andi says enthusiastically. ‘What’s it about?’
‘It’s a warning manual for women,’ I explain excitedly. ‘Everyone knows the red flags – they’re easy to spot. The dickheads who like Andrew Tate or talk about body count or engage in the manosphere – yuck. Orange flags are things to watch out for in a relationship that are less obvious. They’re things that need to be examined in more context.’
‘Like guys who have asshole friends!’ Andi shouts, immediately triggered.
‘Or no friends?’ Sam offers.
I nod. ‘I have a chapter on that! Because there might be areason for those things that makes that behaviour okay, but they are still an amber warning.’
‘What else?’ Jools asks, looking enthralled. She’s been dating again recently after her divorce a few years ago. She hasn’t had much success. It turns out women on social media love her seventies Elton John look, but men? Not so much.
I start listing things from my book outline. ‘Someone who texts a lot and makes you feel under pressure to reply right away, someone who never makes the date plan, someone who brags about being a gentleman, or nice guy, or mentions getting into fights. Someone who claims they have crazy exes—’
‘I feel like that’s a proper red flag!’ Sam says hotly.
‘It can be.’ I nod. ‘But there is probably room for one crazy ex, y’know? Because it’s one thing if they’ve had a single troubled relationship, but if they’re claiming all their exes are “crazy”, there’s clearly a common denominator there. Him.’
‘Fair,’ Andi agrees.
‘Someone who doesn’t like animals,’ I continue. ‘Someone who orders for you. Someone who makes off-colour jokes or boasts that they’re not PC or woke. Someone who calls their parents mummy or daddy—’
‘Isn’t that just a very posh thing?’ Jools offers, and I shake my head.
‘It’s indicative of enmeshment,’ I say, pulling out the therapy terms. Peoplelovea therapy term. ‘That’s when the boundaries get blurred in a relationship. You need to be a distinct person in your own right; a grown-up, who is independent and not tangled up in another person. Especiallywhen it comes to your own parents.’ I sniff. ‘It could mean co-dependent attachment styles.’
‘You definitely made that one up,’ Jools mutters, and I avoid her eyes.
‘What about gamers?’ Sam says, looking excited. ‘Grown adults who play computer games all day! I dated a woman a while back who used to be talking into her headset for eight hours at a time. That has to be at least an orange flag.’
‘I dated one of them!’ Andi crows as we all pile on with our various dating tales and woes.
An hour whizzes by before I notice the time. We have to get going.
‘Come on, Franco Manca waits,’ I shout over the DJ’s loud music, pumping just for us. I herd the noisy group out of the club and down the road, making our way through an increasingly busy Soho.
We turn a corner and my heart thumps violently in my chest as I spot a familiar silhouette in the distance.
It’s him.
