I cannot pass her the lime cordial because I do not know where the lime cordial is. I’m not even sure I knowwhatlime cordial is. When I was a little girl, my grandmother always had a box of cherry cordials at her house but I don’t think Alice is asking me for a box of chocolate-covered limes. Wiping my forearm across my sweaty face, I look up at the clock on the wall. Eight fifteen. Even though it feels as if I’ve been here since birth, allegedly we have only been working for two hours, and Members is packed, the line at the bar three people deep in every direction.
‘It’s the glass bottle, that one there with the spout.’ Alice points to a spot right in front of me with her foot, balancing perfectly on one leg as she pours a cocktail. ‘Nope, that’s the blackcurrant, the green one.’
‘Green for limes, that makes sense.’ I hand her the bottle and push my bangs out of my eyes. The last-minute makeover wasa terrible idea. I don’t need a mirror to know the black eyeliner I’d applied is giving more panda bear than cat’s eye.
It was quiet when we arrived, practically dead, but Alice hadn’t even got as far as explaining which drinks get a lemon and which get a lime when the door crashed open and what looked like every single student on campus descended on us at the same time, and it hasn’t let up since.
‘First year psychology students,’ Alice growls as she hauls another case of beer out from the back so I can restock the fridge. ‘Dr Zaman is famous for destroying his students right out the gate. I remember cruising into my first class thinking I was going to singlehandedly solve the worldwide mental health crisis, then regretting every life decision I’d ever made within five minutes of Zaman starting the lecture.’
It’s a feeling I can relate to when the zombie-like hordes start to swarm across the dancefloor. Overwhelmed and understaffed, I’m starting to freak out. Our third bartender hasn’t shown up for their shift, the beer lines have quit on us, meaning the twenty minutes I’d spent learning to pull a perfect pint were a complete waste of time, and worst of all, we’re all out of dry roasted peanuts. A crime, Alice assures me, punishable only by death. So much for this easy job.
Two hours and seventeen minutes later, things have gone from shitty to shittier. Freaking out is nothing but a pleasant memory. I long for the time when I was freaking out because right now, I’m one made-up drink order away from a full-blown meltdown. Surely there is no such thing as a Pornstar Martini?
‘Can you grab me three Stellas and a Smirnoff Ice?’ Alice yells and I throw her a salute before diving headfirst into the fridge. Beers are easy. Beers have brightly coloured, clearly legible labels. I can read labels. A task within my skillset, at last.
‘Yes, what can I get you?’ I paste on a fever-bright smile and point at the first customer I see after handing everything off to Alice.
‘What the fuck?’ a loud, red-faced guy barks in my face. ‘I was here before him.’
‘You were? I’m sorry, what can I getyou?’
‘Bollocks, I was here first!’
‘You’re both full of it, I’ve been waiting forever!’ a third customer at the side of them wails, and I’m so ready to hose them all down with the soda gun, it’s not even funny.
‘Hey.’
Alice places her hands on both my shoulders and stares directly into my eyes, ignoring all the customers leaning over the bar, credit cards in hand since they learned the hard way that Apple Pay doesn’t work here.
‘You’re doing amazing, sweetie,’ she says, rubbing her thumbs underneath my eyes, confirming what I already knew about the state of my makeup. ‘Ignore all of them. If you don’t know who was there first, just work from left to right, stop when you get to the middle, that’s where I take over. And if they don’t like it, they can speak to me or …’ She pauses, turning to look at the waiting customers, and raises her voice as loud as it’ll go without shouting, which is pretty loud, ‘I can bring Angus in from the door and he’ll happily walk them back to their halls where they’ll be staying all term because they’ll be bloody well barred.’
At once, the voices hush and everyone looks down at the bar. It’s a Members miracle.
‘Thought so.’ Alice winks and turns me around. ‘Go on, you’ve totally got this. I’m so impressed, you’re nailing it.’
I don’t believe her. Nailing it would mean everyone got the drink they asked for in a timely manner, rather than whatever I pull out of the fridge in a cold panic but hey, any drink is better than no drink, right? As a non-drinker, I honestly don’t know the answer to my own question.
‘Did somebody call for an emergency bartender?’
An impossibly tall guy with hair so blond it’s almost white appears behind the bar, hands on his hips in a superhero pose.
‘What is going on here?’ he asks, staring at the crowd with disbelief. ‘Are you giving out free shots or something?’
‘The Snug is closed, Zaman’s first lecture ended at six, and every single fresher decided they wanted to celebrate their first full day as a student by getting wankered with us.’ Alice throws her arms around him, hugging so hard the blond Adonis squeaks in protest. ‘Anders, meet Mia, my new bartending buddy. Mia, meet Anders, my bartending mentor who decided he’s too good for this life.’
‘I’m trying to pass the final year of a law degreeandget on the British Olympic rowing team,’ he replies, playfully shoving her away. ‘Sorry I don’t have time to sling Slippery Nipples with you on a Monday night anymore.’
‘You mean that’s a real drink?’ I feel terrible, remembering the filthy look I gave the guy who tried to order two of them twenty minutes ago.
‘Why don’t you take a break,’ Alice suggests kindly, even though the line at the bar hasn’t gotten any shorter in the three minutes we’ve been talking rather than serving. ‘Anders and I can hold the fort for ten minutes.’
‘I can’t leave when it’s this busy!’
‘Please,’ Anders insists. ‘I need at least ten minutes to tell her everything she’s doing wrong, and I’d hate to embarrass her in front of a new friend.’
‘Is this your polite way of asking me to disappear because I’m making things worse?’ I gnaw on my thumbnail, eyes flicking from Alice to Anders and back again.
‘A little bit,’ Alice replies. ‘Go, now, because in ten minutes, you’re going to come back in and take over while I have my break.’
