I try to recall all the things I talked about with Billie. After our emergency session, she added me to her weekly schedule and I already feel like I’m developing helpful tools. If only I could remember exactly what they are right now.
‘Mom,’ I begin slowly. ‘I’m four thousand miles away in another country with a five-hour time difference. I can’t FaceTime you with my every movement.’
‘I’m only asking for a couple of calls a week!’ she shrieks, and I can see her, marching around the kitchen, putting on a scene for an invisible audience. ‘You have no idea how stressful it is for me, no idea at all. I don’t know what you’re doing, who you’re with, where you’re going. A lot of things can happen to a little girl like you.’
‘You’re right, I don’t understand exactly how you’re feeling, but, Mom, I’m not a little girl, I’m twenty years old and I need my independence. You don’t need to know what I’m doing every second of every day.’
But my mom isn’t listening. Why change the habit of a lifetime?
‘I knew we shouldn’t have let you go overseas. I knew it would change you.’
‘It has changed me,’ I agree. ‘For the better.’
‘I’ll be the judge of that,’ she grunts into the phone. ‘And I do not believe I agree with you. All that money down the drain so you can decide you’re too good to check in with your mother now and then to let her know you’re still alive. One call a day, is that so hard?’
‘I thought you only wanted a couple of calls a week?’
Inaudible muttering fuzzes down the line.
‘Mom, do you remember when you were my age?’ I ask.
‘It wasn’t that long ago, Mia, please don’t talk to me like I’m some ancient crone.’
‘I’m only asking you to put yourself in my place. Didn’t you feel smothered by Grandma and Grandpa sometimes?’
‘It’s the place you’re in that I’m worried about,’ she replies. ‘And no, I did not feel smothered, I felt loved. I am very sorry my caring about you offends you so.’ She clucks her tongue and I’m preparing for a fight when she adds, ‘I thought I would be used to the ideaof losing you by now. You’ve been dying to get away from me for years, don’t think I don’t know it.’
‘You haven’t lost me,’ I say, caught out by her quick pivot from supremely aggrieved to heartbroken mother hen. ‘I’ll always be your daughter. I just need a little space to figure out who else I’m going to be.’
She’s sniffing now and why does this feel like I’m breaking up with my mom? It’s not you, it’s me, except it’s definitely you. I don’t want to resent my parents and I don’t want them to feel that I’m shutting them out, but if I’m ever going to be truly comfortable with myself, I need to accept that not every single person in my life will be happy with every decision I make. Starting with my parents.
‘It didn’t feel this way when Kane went away to school,’ she says in a small voice. ‘I didn’t have to worry so much about him.’
Which is completely illogical because if anyone is going to bring the authorities to my parents’ door, it sure isn’t me. Kane, on the other hand? I wouldn’t bet the house against it.
‘I’m not going to tell you not to worry about me because I know that you will,’ I reply. ‘But I don’t think there’s anything I could do to change that, other than live at home for the rest of my life.’
‘No one said anything about the rest of your life.’
There’s a huff and more muttering but I think I might finally be getting through.
‘I’m going to call tomorrow night, okay?’ I tell her, checking the time. ‘Right now, I have to go.’
‘Go where? You don’t have class on a Saturday.’
‘There’s a soccer game I want to watch.’
‘Watch the game or watch the players?’
She’s only teasing me but I don’t reply. The truth won’t help either of us sleep better tonight. The last thing my parents needright now is to hear about my messy love life. It’s never going to be a straight line with me and them, but hopefully, we’ve made some steps towards a healthier relationship. Baby steps maybe but it’s a start.
‘So you’ll call tomorrow?’ my mom asks.
‘I’ll call tomorrow,’ I confirm. ‘Love you.’
‘Love you too, honey. Just don’t forget.’
She ends the call before I can argue, always the queen of getting the last word, but I feel better than I did and that’s a first after a phone call with my mother.
