‘Ethan?’
‘Chris?’
‘I’m glad you called. I was talking to the psychologist a couple of days ago and, uh, I was gonna call you.’
‘You were?’
‘I remember, Ethan,’ he says, just a whisper. ‘I remember what happened.’
‘What are you talking about, buddy?’ I say, clenching my jaw. ‘Remember what?’
‘That you weren’t the one driving the Jeep that night. That it was me.’
It’s a shot of adrenaline straight to my heart.
A sob forces its way out of me, and I try to hold it back but it’s too late. Tears are streaming down my face and there’s no way to stop them because four thousand miles away, my little brother is crying too.
‘I didn’t remember, Eth, I swear. When I woke up in the hospital, I couldn’t remember a thing and Dad told me you were driving so I believed him.’
‘Calm down, it’s okay. You don’t have to explain.’
‘I’m so fucking sorry,’ he says through heavy gulps of air. ‘I don’t know what happened, I was talking to the shrink, going over it all for the thousandth time and it was there in my mind, clear as day. Me behind the wheel. He said it’s normal to forget traumatic events while you’re healing but I don’t know. Eth,’ his voice drops low, ‘why did you do it? Why did you say it was you?’
‘Because,’ I reply, still choking on my tears. ‘I couldn’t let you go through all that.’
‘But it’s my fault. It’s all my fault you had to drop out of Marshall and go overseas.’ The words are jumpy, chopped up with emotion. ‘It’s my fault you and Breanna broke up.’
‘You don’t need to feel bad about me and Bre,’ I say. ‘We weren’t doing so great. If we were, this wouldn’t have been enough to end things.’
‘What about Mom and Dad?’ he sobs. ‘They think I can’t hear them when they’re fighting but I can and it’s always about the accident. Everything is my fault.’
My head sinks into my hand, palm propping up my forehead. We can always hear them arguing, even when they lock themselves in the garage to do it.
‘Mom and Dad have been fighting for a long time. Before you were even born, bro. Don’t try to take credit for everything.’
More sniffling from him, more heartbreak for me.
‘Chris, I need to know you’re listening to me right now,’ I say, trying to sound as strong as I can. ‘Is the doctor going to tell Mom and Dad?’
‘He says no but—’
‘Then you don’t tell anyone about this, you hear? Do not tell our parents you were driving Bre’s car that night.’
I can see the mopey expression on his face, never a kid who liked being told no. Which is exactly how he ended up driving Breanna’s car that night in the first place. I still can’t quite believe everyone accepted my story without asking questions. If I’d been driving, it’d have been me who came away with the worst injuries, not Chris, but they were all too ready to believe I was the fuck-up, not my little brother. And it was just as well given how much he’d had to drink.
‘No good can come from changing the story now. No one would believe you anyhow,’ I tell him. ‘I was driving the car, you were in the back. Don’t freak out on me, Chris. Everything is okay. I’m good, you’re gonna be all fixed up real soon, there’s nothing to worry about.’
‘But I ruined everything.’ He pauses to sniffle into something, his sleeve I bet. ‘I ruined your life.’
‘No, you didn’t. No, you didn’t.’
I stare at my phone, willing him to listen to me, to believe me. I’ve never felt so helpless in my whole life, not even when I woke up and saw him bleeding behind the wheel of Bre’s car.
‘I hate that you’re so far away. I miss you, Eth. I need to talk to someone about all this, I can’t keep lying.’
I thought my heart was completely broken but it turns out there are a few pieces left still big enough to shatter. Pressing the heel of my hand against my eyes, I bob my head, reminding myself who I am. I’m the big brother, I’m the one who fixes things, I’m the one who takes care of Chris.
‘What if I came back for a visit?’
