I had everything I wanted last night and today it’s frightening to hope again.
“Declan, I can’t do this without you. It will be torture to not be with you. To see you fall out of love with me.” Her mention of the word has my attention jumping from her hands to her eyes. “To see you one day decide that someone else is worth breaking your rule for.” Her blue eyes are swimming with tears. I want to kiss them all away. “I won’t beg you to be with me, Declan.” She shakes her head. “If you set this boundary, I’ll respect it. Even if I hate it.” She looks away, as her tears spill over. “I know you want what’s good for me,” she says as though she’s explaining it to herself. This woman in front of me is so strong. She’ll do what’s “right” for her, even if it feels wrong. She quit her passion for running because it was best for her health. And she’ll quit me too if I demand it.
But I don’t want what is good for her. I want her to live a great life. And I want one too. Sometimes good is the enemy of great. A steady string of tears silently spills down her cheek.
My heart snaps.I made her cry. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever done. And I promise myself it will never happen again.
All this time I’ve wanted to be the hero, to save the day. It’s always stressful and it makes me stronger; my walls go up higher. But this time I literally just rushed in to try to save the girl. And sitting here next to Charlie, seeing how tough she is underneath her sweet demeanor, I think maybe she’s throwing me a lifeline. I can choose for her to rescue me. From my isolation. From my self-imposed, self-important rules.
This is it. This is the moment I’ll regret for the rest of my life if I leave her now. I will know this is where I made my biggest mistake. Not many people can pinpoint that moment in real time.
I can change this, I tell myself.
“No,” I say. “I want this. I wantus.I’m willing to take the risk if you are,” I say as I gently rub her hand. There are tears on my cheeks, but there’s no taking them back now. Not when we are balanced on this razor-thin precipice. I’m not ashamed to cry; I’m just not used to it. “Because the pain is worth it.”
At these words, echoing hers earlier this week, her eyes snap back to mine.
“It is,” she replies, and with a weak smile I know we are going to be OK.
I lean down and kiss her. I want to be gentle, not sure how much of her is hurting. Our lips touch and I swear we are melting together. It’s a sweet and slow kiss. The kind you savor, which works as a balm, healing everything within me. I break our kiss to wipe the tears off her face. She reaches up and does the same for me.
Charlie wraps her arms round my neck and guides me on top of her. We kiss. We touch. And then we sleep. I spend the afternoon holding Charlie tight, afraid this dream will end again.
When I wake, she is there, and it feels like the beginning of a new era. The clock reads 8:30 p.m.
Charlie stirs next to me; I didn’t mean to wake her.
“So, about that date,” she mumbles, her voice thick with sleep.
“How about a night in tonight and I make reservations for when you’re all healed?”
I hate to disappoint her, but I don’t think either of us are up for a night on the town.
“Sold!” Charlie says before turning her face to kiss me.
Me too, Ross.
50
CHARLIE
“Welcome back, Charlie!” Shauna greets me as she breezes into Oliver’s office. In my absence, he hasn’t had anyone to enforce his daily schedule. I let the head of HR go in and know I’ll have to return to my usual gatekeeping after this impromptu meeting.
Oliver told those who asked that I was recovering from a training injury. I’m a runner and my foot was in a walking cast. Believable enough. It’s a version of the truth, if you consider kidnapping on-the-job training for being a spy. No one outside of strategic operations knew that I was working from home while my bruises healed. Remote work was nice, but I missed the team.
“There you are.” Ana walks up to my desk, her arms full with an oversized cardboard box. Neon-colored T-shirts are on the brim of spilling out.
“You need help with that?” I ask, as I stand and walk round my desk to grab the box from her.
“Yes, let’s get these to the break room,” she tells me, and I lead the way. “We’re switching our T-shirt sponsor for next year, so all these blank ones from the old sponsor aren’t needed.”
The reminder of our previous batch of leftover shirts sends shivers up my spine.
I set the box on the table in the break room and Ana tapes a note on the table.FREE.
“Whatever’s left at the end of the day, I’ll drop at my church; they do a lot of outreach to the homeless,” Ana assures me.
I fix my face, snapping out of my impending spiral. “That’s a great idea!”
