“What’s it like to be fearless?” I ask him.
“I’m not fearless,” Declan says. “I always run toward danger, to help, to fix things, to make it right. In most cases, that’s not fearless or even brave. It’s foolish.” His words are soft, the gravel in his voice gone. After a deep breath, he admits, “Actually I’m terrified. Because I finally have something to lose.” As he says this, he wraps his other arm round me.
I am so safe, caged in his arms. I pull away enough so I can lift my head. My lips find his instinctively, as if we are magnetized. His warm mouth, his strong arms, they are all I need. All I want. I make a silent wish.Please don’t let this be a dream.His kiss is soft and sweet, caring. He is holding me like I am something to be cherished.
But my mind is confused, even if my body knows exactly what it wants and what to do. I let out a weak laugh. “I thought . . . I thought the other day after you saw me so sick and weak . . .” I wince, thinking about how pathetic I must have appeared. “I thought . . . you had put me in the friend zone.”
“I tried to. I needed to. I really should,” Declan says, his arms releasing me.
I nod. I shouldn’t have said anything.
Then Declan’s hands find mine, our fingers interlacing. “You understand the danger of being with me. Of how I have been burned and betrayed. These people will stop at nothing. I could never forgive myself if they hurt you to get to me. If I lost you too.”
I nod again, unsure if he can see me. I know this is the most generous way he can let me down easy. Logically.
“If I were a stronger man—” Declan cuts himself off and squeezes my hand.
“I respect your boundaries,” I tell him, reminding myself that I need to be strong as well. “Declan, you have a rule. I don’t like it. I hate it.” I look down at our hands. “But I respect it. I’m not the kind of person to try to make you something you don’t want to be.”
“Charlie . . .”
The way he tenderly says my name has me fighting back the emotions storming inside me: how much I want him; how much he means to me. Declan disconnects our hands so he can tilt my chin upwards. His eyes lock on mine and I feel too exposed. Like he can read every thought in my mind right now. But I’m unable to look away.
“For years, I had this rule and infatuations came and went. The truth is, no one has ever once tempted me to break this rule like you have. It’s more than how much I want you. It’s how much I want to be with you at the office, on missions, even after this career is over.” As he says it, I can see it all. Work, life, cycling, running, cooking, all the exciting and mundane things. With Declan.
“Charlie, my rule means nothing against the truth I feel when we’re together. The truth that saysweare a rule that can’t be broken. That we belong together no matter what.” He is saying the most beautiful things. I want to beg him to stop. Because I’ll cling to them. I’ll recite them to myself as I pine for him. This is worse than him freezing me out. If he is going to say we can’t be together, I’d rather be put out of my misery. Tears are coming, but I have to fight them back. I refuse to appear even more fragile.
“I’m weak for you, Charlie,” he whispers, and my heart begins to race. He moves his hand from my chin, his fingertips tracing a delicate line along my jaw until he wraps his hand through my hair. He is holding my face so we are eye to eye, making sure I hear him, see him. “I will tear down every wall, break every rule to get to hold you. To be with you.”
Spellbound, I don’t dare look away from him. Declan releases me and I let out a whimper, disappointed he didn’t kiss me.
“After seeing Castillo flirt with you, I was frustrated, offended on your behalf. But I knew we had our roles to play.” Declan pauses. His firm hand starts to move in my hair. Massaging my scalp, soothing me. But it is also a possessive action, one that sends heat to my belly. “Tonight, seeing you with Blaed, I almost ran over there and clocked him for daring to be near you.” He shifts away from me, his hand leaving my skin. He sits forwards on the edge of the bed.
I should be scared by his confession. But I can’t be scared by it when that same feeling fueled him to protect me. I reach out and touch his hand, the same way I did when he told me about the Osaka mission in the storage unit. No one should have to feel alone when they admit their darkest memories or thoughts.
“You deserve something less complicated. Someone who doesn’t put you in harm’s way,” he mumbles.
“Life is complicated, life is dangerous. Every relationship is a risk, a leap. You’re the one I want to jump with,” I tell him.
Declan squeezes my hand and lifts it to his mouth, giving it a gentle peck. Then he moves his lips to my wrist, my arm. It’s so good and so right. I sigh as each kiss lands on my skin. This is absolutely what I want and need right now.
I utter the same word he said back in Copenhagen after our first kiss.
“More.”
37
CHARLIE
That one word unleashes something in Declan. In me as well.
His lips move from my arms to my mouth at lightning speed. I reach for him and we are horizontal on the bed seamlessly, as if this is the most natural way for our bodies to be together. His kiss is soft and tender, his hands hungry as they grip me. First my neck and shoulders, then he moves lower to my breasts. I arch into him. His arousal greets me and drives my hunger. I’ve never known need like this before. It’s consuming me, taking over all reason and logic.
The scratch of his stubble prickles my face. I long to feel it all over my skin.
He grinds into me again and I cannot control myself. I let out a moan as Declan squeezes me and teases with each touch. He gives my lips a playful bite, sucking on my lower lip before releasing it with apop. In a swift motion, he pulls his shirt over his head with one hand. The power and precision of his movements stuns me.
I need him.Now.
