“We didn’t have enough time for this order to begin with.”
“And your guys said you could get it done in the time I requested. If you couldn’t, I could have hired anyone else. Don’t you know who—”
Rage approaches and waves for the phone. I reluctantly hand it over, and he says, “Hey, this is Jerry, right? Yeah, it’s Rage, we spoke earlier. Sorry about that. The groom has a lot going on. Honestly, don’t even know if I’m gonna survive him.” He shoots me a playful look, though I’m not in a playful mood. “See, we were really hoping to get this in yesterday just to be on the safe side, but since that didn’t work out, you think maybe you could make three work? I can pick it up myself. Yeah? Oh, that’s perfect. Appreciate you.”
For the first time in the last five minutes, my heart settles.
Rage hangs up and hands me my phone. “Anyone ever tell you about flies and honey?”
“Anyone tell you about carnivorous plants?”
He rolls his eyes, and I must admit, it’s nice that one of us isn’t in a mood.
“It’s funny seeing you so worked up over a non-wedding.”
“What do you mean a non-wedding? I’m fucking married.”
“Yeah,” Rage says, “but it’s not like you’re in love with this guy you’ve known for a few months.”
There’s an intense pain in my chest, my anxiety acting up, and I know why. “We both know I’m incapable of that, but…it’s something he desires.”
His eyes bulge. “Wait. He’s in love with you?”
“What? I didn’t say that. But he told me it was something he wanted in his life, something that made this a difficult arrangement for him to agree to.”
He rests his hands on the desk behind him. “Wanna talk about it, big bro?” When I don’t reply right away, he goes on, “I know you like to keep all this stuff to yourself, but contrary to what you may believe, it helps to bounce things off other people. To let them into that scary head of yours. What is it? You having second thoughts?”
Easy for him to say. He doesn’t understand the burdens Logan and I carry, nor should he.
“No,” I insist, my tone angry, which makes him tilt his head. I sigh. “I can’t love him, but I do like him…more than I do most people. I respect him. I admire him. There’s something really special about him. It’s like a light in his eyes, a glow he gives off. And I do want him, entirely selfishly.”
“But it’s not love?”
“I don’t think I’d recognize it even if I felt it.”
“I think you’d know, but you could be going into a marriage with less than that, right? Mom and Dad didn’t even know each other before they got married.”
And now I’m not sure they really loved each other, something that, at Logan’s request, I still haven’t shared with my brother.
“It’s not for myself that I worry,” I explain. “He deserves someone who can give him what he needs. Someone who can love him the way he desires to be loved.”
“There are ways he can get that outside your marriage.”
I charge him, and he pulls away quickly, his eyes wide, assuring me I must be coming at him too intensely. I clench my fists, stopping myself, though I’m unable to quiet my fury.
“Kill!” he shouts, snapping me out of my state. “Okay, I get it. So that’s not as much of a solution as I thought.”
“That’s the problem. If I were a good man, I would have the decency to grant him his freedom. To let him have what he really needs, regardless of these petty feelings that consume me, but I know it would kill me. He’s mine, and I would pity the man or woman who fell in love with him because I wouldn’t just end them, I would destroy them.”
His Adam’s apple shifts as he gulps because I’m sure he understands the level of brutality I’d be willing to inflict upon the fool who dared to touch what’s mine. “Okay, so that’s off the table. Then I guess he is kind of fucked.”
“And only because of me. If I didn’t have this monster in me, I could find a way to make it work. I could be kind. I could give a fuck about someone other than my greedy self.”
Rage’s lip twists up, and he approaches, with caution, which given how many emotions are rushing through me, is a smart idea.
“You’ve been honest with him about how you feel,” he says. “That’s big. And maybe you’ll feel differently in a few years. Once the luster of this new shiny thing wears off.”
I wish I could believe that, but the feelings I have are so powerful, and only intensify with every day we spend together.
