“I respected him. I was proud of him. I feared him.”
“Your brothers?”
“The same. But I don’t think love fits my understanding of anything I’ve felt. Do you?”
“Yes, I understand love. I’ve never felt it romantically, but I believe in it. I think it’s something I can feel.”
“For me?”
Maybe that was too direct a question because he sizes me up, then starts to rise on his knees, forcing me out of him. I grab at him, but he pushes me away, dismounting me.
He’s angry with me. Very angry. It’s in the air, a thick cloud of toxic smoke, as he slips off the bed.
For as much fun as we had, he doesn’t look like it, but like I spent all this time violating him.
“Logan,” I say as he finds his clothes, pulling his boxers back on slowly. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“I don’t know how you think that could have gone any other way. You told me you want to keep me in a cage, deprive me of something that makes life worth living.”
“I wanted to be honest.”
“If we’re going to do this, you need to get better at lying.” He bundles up his clothes. “I assume I can spend the night in another room?” he asks without looking at me.
Rage surges through me, makes me want to seize him and tie him to this bed and punish him for this fury he’s stirred. Butthis is my doing. He was so good to me tonight, and I fucked everything up. He has a right to spend time away from me.
And maybe it will help him process what I’ve revealed. Accept that this is all I have to offer him.
23
LOGAN
After leaving Killian’sbedroom, Jaime escorted me to the guest room. I lock my door, leaning against it as I war against the thoughts that siege my brain.
His kiss, his touch, the sensation of him opening me up and giving me so much pleasure, knowing that I’m—as he said—stained with him, and he’s stained with me. It’s enough to get my cock worked up again, and yet, I feel so violated. Killian is even more of a monster than I’d previously considered.
It was such a beautiful thing when he opened up to me about his past and his family. I thought maybe I’d seen something else in him, something vulnerable, something decent. Then after we fucked, he shared the vilest desire I could have imagined.
Why would he tell me he thinks of me as a rare falcon he wants not only to cage, but clip and train? He wants exactly what a bastard like him would want—absolute dominion over all he desires. And to keep my family safe, what choice do I have but to accept these unreasonable terms?
How could he reveal such terrible things about what he wanted for me? And yet, when he said those words, they did excite me, same as when he demanded my submission. Something must be wrong with me that I’d want Killian to be my captor. That when he was demanding I submit, I wanted to, so badly, and if it weren’t for who I am, I would have given him exactly what he wanted.
I must be strong, though. I can’t be subservient to anyone, even if Killian brings it out of me.
I toss my clothes on the bed and head into the shower, where Killian’s staff has replenished the toiletries I used last time. As I rinse myself off, I recall what he told me the morning after I stayed here, how he watched me in the security footage. And despite how upset I am with him, or maybe because of it, I wish he were watching me tonight. I wish he wouldn’t be able to get wild fantasies of me out of his head because he’s got them racing through mine. How he wants to control me, not only for a few fleeting moments, but for the rest of my life.
I’m so full of him, but I’ve never felt so empty in my heart as when he said that in signing a marriage certificate with him, I’m agreeing to never feel any of those beautiful emotions I once believed would be a part of my existence. Will reciting vows with him be the end of being able to feel a warm touch again, to know what it’s like to have someone set loving eyes on me?
Maybe there was never a chance of that for either of us, but despite accepting my fate, I didn’t realize how painful it would be to submit without a chance to ever feel love from another again.
No, stop!There’s no time to feel sorry for myself. I refuse to let my family down.
After I finish my shower, I dry off, brush my teeth, and head to bed, settling under the sheets, hoping Killian is watching me. And hating myself for wishing it, and for reveling in knowing I still have his load inside me.
*
The day afterthe attack, Masters and Wrath arrive at Rothguard with their belongings, and security is sent to Rory’s and Malaki’s respective schools. Coordinating the Wildes’ and Lordes’ security distracts me from dwelling on everything thattranspired, but it’s impossible to be totally free of any of this when it reminds me of the fate that will soon be mine.
I spend the next few days exploring Rothguard, avoiding Killian, who lets me have my space, surely knowing I need it. I’ve run into him at times, and asked about his arm, which apparently is healing up nicely. Though we haven’t discussed it, I imagine he’ll expect me to stay at Rothguard after we marry. Certainly, if he wants to keep me caged, it will have to be this beautiful one he’s inherited.
