Assessing the mess I’ve made, I lean against the wall, closing my eyes, remembering what it felt like to have him dominating me, wishing that when he told me to submit, I could have betrayed my family and said those words. I fantasize about how it would have felt to tell him, whispering the words out loud, “I surrender. Dominate me, Killian. Do whatever the fuck you want to me.”
I thought saying them out loud might give me some peace, but they only make it worse, leave me with this ache inside.
And a part of me fears Dad’s ghost heard me, knows my deep desire, but what difference does that make? I know who I was born to be, and it never had anything to do with my own desires, otherwise I would be free from this family altogether. But I have a duty, and while I will do what I must with Killian, I could never give myself to him fully, as he wants.
Even if it kills me.
*
I thought afew days might give me some peace of mind, get Killian out of my head, but what we did… I’m learning that isn’t something I can pretend didn’t happen. No, Killian Lorde haunts me. Every word, every move he made, as though they were designed to be burned into my memory. More thanthat, knowing how he is about communicating with me, I’m constantly on edge, keeping my phone close in case he messages so he won’t barge in and start another fight.
Although, by the following Friday, I’m starting to wish he would.
No, that’s a wild thought! He’s a bastard!
That may be true, but it doesn’t change this attraction I feel toward him, something that’s still on my mind even as Wrath, Masters, and I are having a meeting in Dad’s study.
“You look like shit,” Wrath says.
Don’t I know it?
“You don’t look so great yourself,” I reply, since he’s not wearing bandages anymore, but he’s still pretty banged up.
“Eh, you know it’s sexy.”
He’s so full of himself, even when he’s black and blue.
I check my phone yet again for a text from Killian, but still nothing. Maybe I was too severe when I told him I would never submit to him. He seemed angered by that. The thought that I might have insulted him should bring me relief, but I worry he might not follow through with his end of the deal if I really angered him. I know that’s not true, though. He will, and this worry is a lie I’m telling myself to mask the real reason I fear he might not be reaching out.
“Why do you keep checking your phone?” Masters asks.
“You have somewhere more important to be?” Wrath teases. “Like with your future husband?” He snickers like this is all a big joke, but he has no idea what Killian’s done to my life the past couple of weeks, the way he’s stormed in, tearing apart every artificial construct in me to reveal the nature buried underneath. The dark part I try to deny exists.
I step toward Wrath, and Masters inserts himself between us. “Okay, okay. But we should discuss the situation with the Lordes.”
“What’s there to discuss?” I ask.
Masters’s brows rise as he looks at me like it’s obvious. “I assume you’re still planning to marry Killian.”
“Yes. I don’t have a choice.”
“So you’re gonnaconsummatewith him and everything?” Wrath asks, chuckling.
If only he knew the things I’ve already done.
“Killian won’t need that,” Masters says. “I’m sure the marriage certificate is only a formality. This is all symbolic to represent the families coming together.” When I don’t confirm, Masters studies my expression. “Right?”
“Can we get on to other business matters? That’s all been settled, and we’re safe.”
Masters and Wrath exchange worried looks. If they caught on to how much I’m unraveling right now, I’m sure they’d be even more concerned.
“Um…okay,” Masters says. “We’ve been approached by the Dementes, who are interested in acting as distributor for us, with the O’Dells leaving town.”
“The O’Dells know about this?”
“No, but this will definitely increase business, be the kind of money we need to be bringing in.”
“Doing this behind their backs seems like a way to get a target on ours.”
