Turning his back on the dolls, Jamie pulls out his phone and fiddles with it until some horrible tinny-sounding muzak starts to seep out.
I frown. ‘What are you doing?’
‘It’s a “Sounds of The Saxaphone” playlist on Spotify,’ he smiles. ‘Just setting the mood.’
‘What do you think this is,Red Shoe Diaries?’
He shrugs and tugs at the collar of his T-shirt. ‘I like it.’
‘Fine, fine. Just turn it down a little.’ My eyes dart towards the door. ‘My Grandma really can’t know you’re here. We’re working on this kind of secret project together and I’m supposed to be in here getting my “beauty sleep”. If she hears us, the proverbial shit will hit the fan.’
‘A secret project?’ He lifts a dark eyebrow. ‘Intriguing.’
Hmm. Should I tell him about it? Can I trust him? What if he tells someone?
Oh, what am I worried about? He’s just a nerdy doctor geek boy who is obsessed with hearts and wears brogues. Who is he going to tell, really?
‘All right, I’ll tell you.’
And so I tell him about the project, about Valentina Smith and the guides, and about Leo Frost and how Grandma reckons her romance tips will make him fall in love with me.
When I’m done, Jamie pulls a face.
‘It’s a daft idea, isn’t it?’ I chuckle. ‘Ridiculous, really.’
‘Yeah, it’s kind of insane. Seems a bit callous on the guy. Frost.’ His tone is disapproving.
‘Oh, don’t worry about him.’ I wave away any notion of concern for Leo Frost. ‘He’s a massive twat. He deserves everything that’s coming to him, trust me.’
‘Hmm.’ Jamie ponders, taking the wine from me and drinking some. ‘But what if he actually, you know, falls in love with you? Surely it would destroy him to discover that you weren’t who you said you were. That it was all some cynical experiment for a dating book. It seems a little heartless.’
‘Jeez, he won’tfall in lovewith me!’ I laugh. ‘It’s notactuallygoing to work, Doc. I only agreed to do it because I get two and a half thousand quid either way and I’m in no position to turn that down. He’s some kind of womanizing, eternal bachelor anyway.He’sthe heartless one. Honestly, don’t worry about Leo Frost!’
Jamie shrugs stiffly. ‘If you say so.’
I feel a prickle of irritation. Pah. Why am I even explaining myself to a veritable stranger?
There’s a bit of an awkward silence. I don’t tend to mind awkward silences, but we haven’t really got a great deal of time here.
I take my top off as an icebreaker. It works. Jamie dives on me.
* * *
Life might be strange and rubbish in general right now, but I’m engaging in some truly good sex and I thank the heavens for that. Doctor Jamie has tied my hands to the huge bedpost with the belt from his corduroys and has propped one of my legs over his shoulder. It’s very effective indeed. So pleasant, in fact, that I can’t help the squeak of delight that pops out of my mouth.
‘Christ, Jess,’ Jamie utters gruffly, biting my inner thigh and moving with deep concentration. ‘Christ Almighty.’
He drops my leg, slides his hands underneath my bum, lifts me up slightly at the torso and goes deeper.
Oh my God!
I don’t intend to say that out loud. But I do. Very loudly. And to my complete horror the door to the bedroom opens and Grandma appears. She’s holding a tub of moisturizer in one hand, a glass of milk in the other, her mouth falling open in dismay. The worst, the most cringe-worthy thing of all, is that Jamie doesn’t notice she’s standing there. I wriggle about and try to clamber off the bed but my hands are literally tied. Jamie’s still going, he’s still going with the vigour of a bucking bronco! Grandma hurries backwards out of the room, slamming the door on us.
‘Jamie, get off!’
He stops thrusting and scrambles off me to the edge of the bed. ‘What is it? Are you OK? Am I … am I too … big?’
I give him my withering glance. ‘My Grandma just walked in on us. Untie me!’
