‘It could work . . . ’ Valentina narrows her eyes. ‘Abrand newbook full of vintage dating tips, tried and tested from the wholly modern perspective of Jessica Beam. I like it. And, of course, the renewed interest would mean we could eventually rethink the reissuing of the original books.’
‘Oh!’ Grandma puts her hands to her neck, her cheeks flushed with pleasure. ‘I love it!’
‘Matil, in your opinion, how long do you believe it would take to snare the man?’ Valentina asks.
‘No more than two to four weeks if Jessica stays here at Bonham Square and we spend all our time on the project.’ Grandma looks me up and down. ‘There would be rather a lot to do, but we could condense it into a shorter space of time.’
‘Wait a minute – hold up,’ I interrupt, looking between them. ‘You’re saying you want me to stay here, in this house, for two to four weeks, change everything about the way I look and the way I behave, like some kind of science experiment, just to get some random chump to go out with me?’
‘Not to ‘go out’ with you. To fall deeply inlovewith you,’ Grandma says happily. Valentina smiles in agreement and scribbles something in her notebook.
I wave them away. ‘And then you wantmeto write about it?’
‘Yes,’ they say as if it isn’t an absurd, totally backwards, entirely humiliating proposal.
I glare at them both as if they’re mental. The very idea of hanging about here for longer than the two days I had intended, learning this strange new grandma’s version of manners and style, trying to chase after some bloke and get him to – puke – fall in love with me? It’s literally abhorrent, the complete opposite of anything I would ever want to do with my time. Yes, I’d like to be a writer. Yes, I’d like to have a book deal. But not likethis. I disagree with the whole notion of changing your entire self for a fella on a very base level. Nuh-huh. No way.
I spot Grandma’s massive eyes fill with watery hope and my neck starts to prickle.
‘Look, guys.’ I back away in the direction of the door. ‘Thanks a million for the offer and all, but, well, no thanks. I like my “look” and my “manners” and my “feminine skills” exactly as they are. Good luck with it, though. I’m leaving now. I need a shower and then I’m going to go run.’
‘But didn’t you just go running!’
‘I like to run.’
* * *
Twenty minutes later, I’m out of the shower and dressed in my favourite running gear of lycra crop top and soft grey trackie bottoms.
I’m tying up the laces on my nice bright yellow trainers when there’s a knock on the bedroom door.
‘Jessica, may we enter?’
It’s Grandma.
‘You feisty duckling, Jessica, let us in. We want to talk to you.’
And Valentina.
What is their problem?I’ve just told them that I’m not interested in their idea. Why is Valentina even considering this? I thought she was so smart when I first met her at the Southbank Press. Turns out she’s as batshit crazy as Grandma. I hurriedly throw myself onto the bed and burrow under the covers, pulling the blanket right up over the top of my head. If they think I’m taking a nap then they’ll go away. No one bothers a napping person.
Except, of course, these people.
I hear the door click open and the muted footsteps of Valentina and Grandma walking across the carpet. Talk about invasion of privacy. Yes, I know it’s not my house, but still, I could have been doing any number of private things in here. I could have been practising my withering glance in the mirror or having a wank. Jeez.
‘Is she asleep?’ Grandma says curiously.
I scrunch my eyes closed and pretend I am deep in the land of nod.
‘Hmm. She’s wearing trainers,’ Valentina replies, ‘A super pair of bold yellow trainers. I love them, Jess. I really do.’
Shit. My feet are poking out of the end of the bed. I casually tuck them back in like the Wicked Witch of the East.
‘Yes, I think she is awake and simply trying to avoid us,’ Valentina declares.
‘What odd behaviour.’
‘Jess, we know you’re awake,’ Valentina says firmly. ‘Matilda and I have been chatting about this new idea and we really are rather excited about it.How to Catch a Man like it’s 1955will slot very nicely into my list. Especially sinceSummer in the Cityis sadly no longer an option.’
