Grandma lifts her elegant chin, silver eyebrows dipped, and gives a precise shake of her head. ‘Oh, Jessica, of course I will help you in any way I can − ’Yessss− ‘but . . . I shan’t lend you money.’Nooooo.
‘Oh. Right.’
My stomach clunks with disappointment. I’ve well and truly buggered this up.Of courseshe isn’t going to give me money. Why on earth would she? I’ve literally rocked up unannounced, perved onLady Chatterley’s Lover, insulted her dad, revealed my most skanky set of grey knickers, had my stolen kitten jump out and scare the living daylights out of her and then topped it off with a casual loan request. What else did I expect her to say?
Fuck.
‘I won’t give you money, Jessica, but of course you should stay here with me.’ Grandma flings her arms around the grand living room to demonstrate ‘here’ before propping her red glasses back onto her nose. Her massive eyes stare me out. ‘I will help you through this.’ She gives me a worried, imploring-type look and steps forward, skinny arms reaching towards me once more.
I back away, escaping the embrace. I might well be in a gigantic life-pickle right now, but I’m pretty sure that living here with this bizarre, teary-eyed old lady who thinks she ought to ‘fix’ me is my actual worst nightmare. Yes, we may be related, but I know nothing about this woman and she knows even less about me. Mum, for whatever reason, made sure of that.
However … I’m all out of options. Really, truly out of options.
I stifle a yawn, pull out my iPhone and check the time. It’s already after bloody eight. Shit. What else am I going to do now? I suppose Icouldstay here for a couple of nights, just while I make some proper plans. I mean, who knows, maybe Summer will have cooled down in a few days. In fact, by then, she’ll have realized thatSummer in the Cityis nowhere near as good without all my work and she’ll be begging me to come back …
I meet Grandma’s intense gaze.
‘Maybe I could stay for a couple of nights?’ I fight another yawn. ‘If, er, that’s all right with you?’
She breaks into a full-on smile. It transforms her face. She looks just like my mum.
Something tilts uncomfortably inside my chest and the itch on my head spreads over my whole body.This is not a good idea.
Taking a little white porcelain bell from her side table, Grandma gives it a delicate shake. Peach, a solemn look on her round face, materializes super quickly, almost as if she’s been earwigging outside the door.
‘Peach, Jessica will be staying with us for a while—’
‘Just a couple of nights.’
‘Please show her to the front guest room and help her to unpack her belongings—’
‘I don’t need to unpack.’ I pick up my bin bag. ‘No point, if I’m just going to leave again in two days.’
Grandma continues talking to Peach as if I hadn’t spoken. Her voice is Mary Poppins-ish. ‘There are plenty of clothes hangers in the wardrobe.’ Glancing down at my bag, she wrinkles her nose. ‘And a little laundry might be in order too.’ She steps closer and I tense up as I think she’s about to attempt hug 2.0., but instead she just really meaningfully examines my face. I shrink away from the intensity of her gaze. Her lips start wobbling again.
‘What a terrible time you’ve had, Jessica. But we will fix it. I will not stop until I have fixed this.’
Eeeeek. She’s totally nuts. I get a mighty urge to run out of the front door and never return.
Take a deep breath.Be sensible, Jess. It’s just a couple of days. You have no other choice.
‘Um … OK then.’ I shrug one shoulder. ‘Thank you.’
‘You are very tired,dear.I think a warm bath and an early night will be just the ticket.’ Grandma points a finger in the air. ‘A Good Woman must always get her beauty sleep! Breakfast is at seven a.m. and not a moment later.’
What is she talking about? Is − is she sending me to bed? Now? It’s not even nine o’ clock. Not thatIwant to sit up and talk to Grandma about what we’ve been up to for ourwhole entire lives, but I kind of thoughtshewould. Especially since I’ll be gone soon and, let’s be honest, will probably never return.
And then, as if everything that has just happened is completely normal and not at all bizarre and awkward and maybe even a bit life-changing, Grandma returns to her chair and back into the sexually charged world of her book.
Sean Bean’s Bum.
