‘Whaaat?’ I jump up from the sofa and dash over to look at the calculator. ‘How? We sold so many things? People were going crazy over that stuff. This calculator is an antique – it must be broken!’
‘There’s nothing wrong with the calculator. We simply do not have enough for the minimum payment.’ Grandma’s lips start to wobble. Shit. She’s going to cry again.
I frantically recheck the numbers and add them up myself. Grandma’s right. We’ve made a fair amount on eBay, but not nearly enough for the stupid bank’s extortionate minimum payment.
‘In ten days they will take me to court,’ Grandma says in a panicky voice. ‘I’ll be evicted! I will lose my home, my memories, everything I have worked for.’
Argh, she’s spiralling off. Not again . . .
‘Stop crying!’ I say firmly. ‘It won’t help.’
Grandma looks up at my strong tone and frowns.
‘A Good Woman is never callous,’ she sobs.
I huff.
‘Well, a Modern Woman gets on with the shit that life has thrown her without melting down. Let’s be practical about this.’
It is not often that I play the role of sensible person in a situation. I feel like I’m wearing a costume.
Grandma hangs her head, her wispy hair falling over her face.
‘You can do it,’ I urge, pouring her a small cup of tea from the tray on the ottoman and handing it over to her. ‘You are Matilda Beam. Mega bestselling writer and romantic magician. You are the person who managed to get me to take out my hair extensions. If you can do that, you can bloody well sort this out.’
Grandma takes a sip of her tea. ‘Your hairismuch lovelier now,’ she weeps.
‘I wouldn’t go that far,’ I tut, patting my gingery locks. ‘OK. So. Peach mentioned that you have some things in the attic. Shall I go up there, have a look through and see if there’s anything else we can sell on—’
‘No!’ Grandma interrupts, plonking the cup of tea back down on the silver tray with a clatter. ‘No, no. The attic is empty. There’s nothing in there. Nothing.’
I definitely remember Peach saying that there were so many things in the attic she could barely get the door open.
I narrow my eyes at Grandma. She avoids my gaze.
She’s lying.
I make a mental note to check out the attic as soon as I get chance.
‘Because there’snothingto sell in the attic,’ Grandma continues, rising from her chair and wandering over to the drawing-room window. ‘I think the best thing to do in this short time is to speed up theHow to Catch a Man Like It’s 1955project.’
‘Speed up? How?’
‘Leo has shown a very definite interest in you. We ought to increase the time you and he are spending together in order to get to our conclusion at a faster pace and secure the deal with Valentina as quickly as possible. Once we have a full contract, I can show that to the bank as proof of future income. Perhaps then they will be a little more lenient. You have a date with Leo this evening, don’t you?’
Pretty much all I’ve been worrying about since last night. Well, that and Doctor Jamie and his annoying change of heart. Ugh. I nod and take a sip of tea.
Grandma wanders back over to her chair, straightens her skirt and sits back down. ‘Then tonight, it is time for your first kiss with him.’
I splutter out my tea. ‘I have to kiss him tonight? But the guides say I’m not supposed to kiss him until date five.’
Grandma gives me an approving glance. ‘Youhavebeen reading them! You’re right, my guides do advise that. But we are in an unusually time-sensitive situation. And a first kiss is a powerful thing. It can do the job of ten dates when it comes to forming a bond with your intended.’
At the mere thought of kissing Leo Frost, my cheeks burn up and my neck itches.
I do not like Leo Frost.
Spotting my blush, Grandma smiles a little. ‘Oh, Jessica, I know a first kiss is a lot of pressure, but don’t worry. I will teach you how it is done.’
I sputter out my tea a second time. ‘Er . . . what?’
Grandma dashes over to her TV cabinet and opens up the glass doors, selecting a bundle of videotapes from her collection, includingGone with the Wind,Breakfast at Tiffany’sandFrom Here to Eternity.
She taps the old plastic case of one of the films. ‘Everything you need to know is in here.’
