Hesighs.
And it’s not a sexy sigh full of longing and desire. It’s a full-onnegativesigh.
What?
Why is hesighing?
I lean back and look at himexpectantly.
‘Sorry. I’m just thinking about all that shit withSharon.’
‘Don’t think about that!’ I say, waving my hands madly as if I am shooing all thoughts of his ex away. ‘Think about your new job! About those oysters we just had!’ I force myself to be brave. ‘Thinkaboutme!’
‘That’s the problem.’ Seth looks down at his hands. ‘I can’t stop thinkingaboutyou.’
‘Why… why is that a problem?’ I ask, completelyconfused.
‘Because Colin! I’m talking about Sharon cheating on me and hereweare. You’re engaged. Don’t you feel bad? I know we’venot…but…’
Colin? Who the hell is… Oh shitColin. And my fakeengagement.
I open my mouth to tell Seth that Colin is basically a stranger. That I knew him for a very nerve-wracking hour in the airport and that, while we exchanged a few flirty texts and I thought he might have been a sensible option for a future date, he doesn’t give me the wibbles like Seth. And I want those wibbles. Now that I’ve had them I want them all the time. Plus Colin emailed me, like, eighteen shit memes. That’sunforgivable.
But… I can’t confess thatnow! How can I? Seth clearly already knows I’m crazy, but he’s just explicitly stated that he hates liars. And I… am a total liar. What happens if I tell him that I have been lying to him about being engaged? He’s mentioned Colin on more than a few occasions and I’ve never corrected him. I didn’t expect that we would see each other again! And if I tell him now, I might never get to have the fling that I am feeling, very very firmly, that I should havewithhim.
‘You’re feeling guilty, I know. You look so gloomy,’ Seth says gently. ‘Don’t beat yourself up. We just got caught up, I guess…Fuck.’ He shakes his head infrustration.
I’m not feeling gloomy about Colin. I’m feeling gloomy that theonetime in my adult life I am feeling so attracted to someone that I can’t quite control it, amade-upfiancé is getting intheway.
Argh. I fancy Seth so much. I mean… I’m going home in a few days. I’ll probably never see him again… Who knows when I’ll feel like this about anyone again.IfIwill.
I look at Seth’s strong, stubble covered jaw. His twinkling, clever eyes behind his dorky glasses. His forearms. The way he smells. The way he tastes. I am ready. If I leave New York without having this little fling with Seth, I might regret it for the rest of my life. I’ll just be thinking about it all the time, wondering what it would have been like. I won’t be able to concentrate on anything else! Forever! And although I seem to becoming more comfortable with the idea of small risks, this is one I’m not willingtotake.
So I take a deep breath and do the only thing that makes sense to dorightnow.
I do what Birdie would do: tell just a few more teeny,tinyfibs.
I fiddle with the clip in my hair. ‘I feel so bad about Colin,’ I say awkwardly. ‘But… the truth is… I’m not sureabout…’
‘What?’ He says, seeming to perk up alittle.
‘He’s the only person I’ve everbeenwith…’
Seth’s eyes widen, his mouth making an ‘o’shape.
This is only a half-lie. Ihaveonly ever been with one person. I mean, it wasn’t Colin. It was a guy called Guy during my Fresher’s week at university. But still. A half-lie means it’s a half truth. Which isn’tsobad.
‘Oneperson?Wow.’
‘Mmmhmm.’ I nod. ‘And the thing is… if I’ve only been with one person, how do I know if… he’s the rightperson?’
Seth frowns. ‘But you got engaged to him… surely you think he’s the right person…don’tyou?’
Argh. He’s making this hard. Why does he have to be sohonourable?Ugh!
‘Erm… I mean. I think… maybe in the future, what if I decide that I never got enough experience? And I feel resentful that I only ever slept with… Colin?’ I nod, getting into my stride. ‘And we end up gettingdivorced?’
Shit. Am I really going in with thisangle?
