I think of Mum leaving our family in her selfish bid for excitement. Of Alex and me sitting in the kitchen, crying because Dad was so sad and we didn’t know how to help him. I think of the past few days in New York. They’ve been what most people would call exciting. But I am technically on the run from the police and semi-famous for pissing in front of a stranger. That isnota positivething.
‘Excitement is overrated.’ I lift my chin and take a small sip of beer. ‘Excitement is just terror withPRspin.’
‘You’re nuts,’ Seth laughslightly.
‘Maybe I’m the sane one,’ I counter, tucking my hair behindmyear.
‘So… how is theprepare for every eventualityapproach working out foryou,huh?’
‘In general, absolutelyfine.’ I fiddle with the strap on my satchel. ‘Obviously the past few days have been… complicated. But that’s only because I’ve beencompletely unprepared. I’m sure if I’d have known earlier that I was coming to New York, if I’d had time to arrange and organise everything, things would be going a lot more smoothlyrightnow.’
‘Ohreally?’
‘Yes! I mean, I only knew I was coming here hours before I flew out. I had no time to psyche myself to get on a plane, to get hold of Xanax, or whatever it was you suggested. If I had been adequately prepared I wouldn’t have acted so mental. Then I wouldn’t have been parodied on TV by an unscrupulous writer.ThenI wouldn’t have had to collar you in the street, accidentally posting Birdie’sletter.’
‘And we wouldn’t be here enjoying this beer, about to have the world’s best meatball pizza,’ Seth adds with a lopsided grin. He rests his chin on his hand. ‘I think if you prepare too much in life, you end up stifling yourself, stifling your creativity. You leave no room for anything amazing to happenunexpectedly.’
I scrunch my nose. ‘Unexpected things happening is my worst nightmare.’ I take a sip of my beer, enjoying the light pop and fizz of the bubbles on my tongue. ‘Surely a show likeSunday Night Livetakes massive preparation.It’slive!’
‘Sure, it does. Most of the sketches are written on a Wednesday night. We work on them off the cuff, sometimes responding to news stories that have only just broken, or celebrities that have just said something ridiculous on Twitter. But things constantly change. So even if I prepared a perfectly written sketch, there’s a huge chance that it’s going to get rewritten and changed multiple times before the show. Sometimes things change even seconds before they’re duetoair.’
I wince at thethought.
‘And,’ Seth continues, slurping back his beer and following it with a highly satisfied ‘aah’ noise, ‘the best moments the show has ever had have come out of the unprepared moments. When cast members improvise, or break character, or a musical guest does something controversial. That’s what people lovethemost.’
I nod. ‘I get it. But if you’ve auditioned so many times to be on the cast and you’ve never gotten it, doesn’t it make sense to try something you haven’t done before – like practising? So you don’tflakeout?’
‘I probably won’t get it anyway.’ He looks down at the table for a moment. ‘If I prepare and build it up too much, it’ll feel even shittier when it doesn’t work out. And I like being a writer. It’salmostmy dream. And having that is pretty good going,youknow?’
I nod, thinking about what my dream is. Am I close to it? It takes me a few seconds to realise with a jolt that I don’t really have a dream. Not even an almost dream like Seth. No real goals I want to reach or heights toaspireto.
Hmmm. Do I need a dream? Why do I need one? Can’t I be content with a steady life, a steady job, maybe a future with someone sweet like Colin. It might not set the world alight, but I’d be happyenough.
Wouldn’tI?
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ChapterTwenty-One
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