‘It’sbadass!’
‘What?’
‘Who can say that they got impersonated on an American institution of a TV show? You must have made quite an impression on thiswriterguy.’
‘Yeah, peeing in front of someone willdothat.’
Looking up and noticing that the grey clouds above have cleared a little, I take a seat on a wooden bench bythepark.
‘I hoped that you might have had a little adventure in Manhattan, but this isinsane.’
‘I know. I’ve only been here two days and it’s been completelymental.’
‘Well it’s cheering me upnoend!’
‘My misery is cheering you upnoend?’
Birdie rolls her eyes. ‘Are you really fed up? More miserable than you are most of the timeathome?’
I’m about to protest that I’m not at all miserable at home. But I bite the inside of my cheek and think about Birdie’swords.
Hmmm. I’m het up, and a bit panicked, embarrassed and having a complete rollercoaster of emotions right now. But I’m certainly notbored. And that’s the thing about home. I’m happy enough there, I’m not miserable, not at all, but maybe… I don’t know, I’m a littlebored?
No. I can’t be. I like my life. Everything is simple and easy in Saddleworth. These past two days have been the opposite of simple and easy. They have been crazy and non-stop. That’s not my goalstate.
I shrug. ‘It’s certainlyentertaininghere.’
‘So what are you doing tonight?’Birdieasks.
‘There’s a new Aziz Ansari stand-up special on Netflix. I might order a pizza. It’s an early morningtomorrow.’
Birdie pulls a face and mimes hanging herself witharope.
‘Oi!’ I tell her off. ‘Netflix and chill! What’s wrongwiththat?’
‘Netflix and chill is a millennial euphemism for sex,youknow?’
‘Is it?’ My eyebrows shoot up. ‘I don’tgetit?’
‘Me either.’ She shrugs. ‘But I’d be more than happy if you plan to Netflix and Chill inthatway. Might be a good method to work off some of those high-octane emotions you’reexperiencing.’
She stands up and starts thrusting saucily at herhospitalbed.
‘Stop!’ I laugh. ‘You’regross!’
‘Ooh Colin!’ she yells. ‘Make me feel like a woman,Colin.’
‘I’mhangingup.’
‘Noooo!’
She picks up a pillow and starts pretending to snog it. ‘Colin! Oh Colin! Watch me piddle,Colin.’
Getting cross with her, I lean right into the phonecamera.
‘Dr BJ! Ooh Bruce Jim! Your name is so cool! What a turn-on! Ooh, can I interest you in a pleasant BJ, Dr BJ.’ Birdie snorts with laughter and it’s my favourite sound ever. I ham it up some more. I fan myself. ‘My, my, I’ve got a fever, Dr BJ! And the only cure is your peen. Gimme that peen, Dr Bruce Jim. Gimme that peen in mah sweetvajeen!’
I’m closing my eyes and making kissy faces into the camera when I realise that Birdie is no longerlaughing.
