‘We here at BA would just like to wish some hearty congratulations to one of our first-class passengers Olive Maudine Brewster of seat 34b on her recent engagement to ColinCollins.’
Ohgoodlord.
I turn very red indeed as I hear scattered applause break out around me. Why did they have to announce my fake engagement? And tell people my middle name? I never share that with anyone – it’s an amalgamation of Maude and Nadine that my mum thought was so cool and unique and actually just sounds like it’s not even a real name. But, of course it’s on myticket.
Gah.
‘Is that you?’ queue jumper says, spinning around in his chair to face me. ‘Olive MaudineBrewster?’
‘Oh.Um,yeah.’
‘Congrats. Does Colin wear a little fanny pack too?’ he asks, his face very serious. His face is so serious I don’t believe for a moment he is really a comedywriter.
I frown. ‘Actually no,’ I say, thinking of Colin in the airport and his nice brown eyes and healthy head of hair. ‘And my “fanny pack” isn’t little. It’s big and roomy. You can fit in more than you think at first glance,’ I remark imperiously. Then my words echo back at me. The person sitting in front of me – an elderly gentleman – cranes his head round, looking at me inhorror.
Queue guy snickers. Iignorehim.
Rolling my eyes, I turn the volume up on my headphones and neck some more champagne, enjoying the warmed feeling it gives mycheeks.
The plane jerks form side to side for a second. I clutch the glass with both hands to stop themshaking.
Then I put my champagne down and look at mywatch.
Only eight hours of periltogo…
OceanofPDF.com
ChapterNine
Text from Birdie:Eek, Brewster, you’re on a plane right now! Go you! I’ve sent you an email with details on places you might want to visit when you’re in New York. No pressure! I know you’re not there for a touristy trip, but you’ll defo have time to have a little look around. And I’d love it if you took some pictures of stuff for me! I love being a British Citizen now, but it will be nice to see my bonkers home city through your fresh eyes! Hope flight going well and you are not freaking out too much. I bet you’re totally fine and are wondering why you have never flown before, right? Am v proudofyou!!
Ihave managedto hold my bladder for three hours, which has got to be some kind of record! But it’s now so full from all of the champagne that I’m feeling all fidgety anduncomfortable.
I should probably go and deal with it. But the thought of actually unbuckling my safety belt, leaving behind my life-saving oxygen mask, standing up on this wobbly plane and walking to the loo feels like a thing I really do not want to do. Also I am pretty tipsy again now. Fine, that’s an understatement. I am discreetly wasted. I say discreetly because nobody knows. I’ve just been quietly watchingCurb Your Enthusiasm, drinking my champagne every time the plane shakes, which is a lot. Still, I am nowhere near inebriated enough to brave the toilet. I mean, what if something happens while I’m in there? There’s turbulence or a plane emergency and there’s no one there to help me? And the plane goes down, and I die mid-pee. I don’t want to diemid-pee.
My bladder gives out another squeeze ofdesperation.
Argh! What other choice do I have? I can’t piss myself right here in the plane seat. I mean, it’sfirstclass.
I look arounddesperately.
There’s only one thing for it. I need a flight attendant to come with me. They can hold me steady while I walk down the aisle of the plane, stand outside and then if anything bad happens in the cubicle they can help me escape. Yes, that’s it. That’s whatI’lldo.
I press my cabin crewdinger.
I wait for a few minutes, but no onecomes.
I press itagain.
Nothing!
Where are they? Is there some sort of emergency? Something bigger than the emergency in mybladder?
Biting my lip, I peer around to see where the loo is. It’s only a few seats away. Maybe I canmakeit…
And then the plane swings violently, quickly to the left. NO one else seems to notice butIdo.
I press my dinger thingagain.
