The guy just laughs and pulls out his precious laptop that he was so desperate to get charged up earlier. It’s got stickers all over the back of it. UCB, SECOND CITY, MAD TV, I HEART IMPROV and one that says ‘There are no mistakes, only opportunities.’ Which is blatantly wrong. What a weirdo. Who covers a nice fresh MacBook with stickers? What is he? Fourteenyearsold?
I snort tomyself.
‘What’s that, Fanny pack?’ he says. ‘Did you saysomething?’
I look at him wide-eyed and point to my headphones to indicate that I am engaged in anotheractivity.
He laughs again and with a nod spins the pod chair back to facing hiswindow.
At that moment an air hostess arrives and offers me a selection of beverages fortake-off.
‘I thought there was no drinking on flights?’Iask.
The woman laughs. ‘Of course there is. As long as no one is intoxicated then it’s fine by us.Champagne?’
‘Why not?’ I say, feeling fairly relaxed by my earlier beers. The woman hands me a little bottle of champagne. In the top of it is a copper spout. You drink it straight from the bottle. This is so cool! I take a picture to send to Birdie and settle in to watch my show. And just as I’ve forgotten where I am, the plane engine whirs up noisily and we starttomove.
InstantlyIsoberup.
Shit.
I lift up my window blind a tiny bit and peek through. We’re nowhere near the runway, yet, but we are definitely moving. The plane is definitely moving. I look around to see if anyone else is panicking. Nope. Everyone else on the place gives zero fucks that we are nowmoving.
An air hostess stands in the aisle and on my TV,Curb Your Enthusiasmdisappears and a new video flashes up. It’s showing scenarios in which we might have to exit the plane in an emergency.Ohgod!
The air hostess mimics the character on the screen. Most people aren’t even watching her, but I amglued. It’s horrible. She is calmly telling us everything that could possibly go wrong on the plane,while we are on theplane!
And then something truly awful happens, the video on the TV shows a hypothetical plane emergency. And if I was feeling more relaxed about all this before, I am definitely not now. No siree. On screen a woman in her plane seat looks super chill as oxygen masks fall down from overhead. This is not realistic at all. Why is she so chill about the fact that she now needs emergency oxygen? Surely she should be screaming and yelling, ‘Oh no! The oxygen masks! This isbad,guys!’
‘Secure your own oxygen mask before helping others to secure theirs,’ the narrator says in asoothingtone.
I peek over to queue jumper. He’s clicking on his phone not even paying attention. I bethewould secure his own mask right away and not even help anyone else to secure theirs. I bet, if his mask was even slightly faulty he’d steal someone else’s. Probably mine. I tut at him indisgust.
As the real life plane starts to speed up, the video shows a queue of plane passengers making their way to the airplane door in an orderlyfashion.
What the fuck? Now the airplane door is opening and all the passengers start sliding down a slide. Not even a real slide. It’s inflatable. It’s… a bouncy castle slide! Are they still in the air? Are they dropping down into thesea? Why do they look so calm? How are they so coolly accepting their impending deaths? They look like they wereexpectingtheir plane to crash the whole time. ‘Oh well, time to die, let me just get on this death slide!Byeeee!’
Jeeeeeeeeez.
Now the air hostess is holding up a whistle. What is that for? Why is she trying to make music in an emergency scenario? I’m so confused. And then, all at once, the video ends. Just like that! What happened to the people who went down the slide?Where did they end up?ARE THEYALIVE?
Ohgod.
The air hostess calmly takes a seat and buckles her seatbelt, totally at ease with this whole shitshow. I look down to triple-check I’ve done mine. I pull the tag a little tighter. The seatbelt is now so snug that it’s digging painfully into my pelvis. I’m totally fine with that. This belt buckle might be the only thing between me and that fucking balloonslide.
The noise around us increases as the plane speeds upevenmore.
I try to swallow but my throat feels dry. Holy crap. It’s really loud. Is it supposed to be this loud? Why does it sound so clunky? Like bits of machinery are rattling around,unsecured.
I grab my little bottle of champagne with trembling hands and gulp it back, not caring as the bubbles fizz up a little, dripping down my neck and all over myhoodie.
I take a deep breath. I knew this would be scary butthis isreally fucking scary. I was completely right to not want todothis.
My heart starts to pound. I hear theJawstheme tune in my head. I feel the blood drain out of my face as my entire body is tilted backward and the nose of the plane pointsskywards.
This is it. We’re leaving theground.
We are leaving the earth,kindof.
