Sawyer sucked his lips in. “Probably shouldn’t.”
I licked the last taste of the liquor from my lips then twisted the cap back on the bottle. “Honestly, me either.”
My eyes glanced up at where he now stood by the door.
“Do you want me to stay?”
I scooted back up to my headboard. “Probably just going to get some sleep, if that's okay.”
He bobbed his head once before making his departure.
Chapter
Twenty-Three
The crackling of the fireplace was my only company in the common room. I sat in an armchair with my legs pulled up to my chest, staring blankly into the flame, trying to figure out where the hell my common sense vanished to last night.
I spent most of my day today soaking in my own shame. If there was anything that last night taught me, it was that even if I wanted to, therewas nomoving on from Sebastian. If only I had realized thatbeforeI kissed Sawyer back.
I hated myself.
Ever since the battle in Caelestis, I’d lost myself. I didn’t recognize the woman dwelling in my bones, because she certainly wasn’t me. The real Maeve Willawood was impulsive, but she wasn’t stupid. And kissing Sawyer back last night was as stupid as decisions came.
The real Maeve also wouldn't have held a grudge over something as minuscule as a journal. Maybe the real Maeve vanished with Blythe—the good pieces of her reabsorbing into the cosmos, leaving only fucked up characteristics in their place. Or maybe I had just been through so much shit over the past year that I didn't even know who I was any more.
I pulled my knees closer to my chest, settling my chin upon them. I was a living, walking mistake. From the moment Lucan found my journal, to last night. Basically since the moment I was born.
Regret placed its hand around my throat, choking all the horrible, intruding thoughts out of me. If I were never born, Delani and my mother would have had my father in their life. If I was never born, my mother would still be alive. Jocelyn would be alive. Sebastian never would have been beaten half to death in Draemor. The list went on and on.
“Maeve?”
Flames still bounced in my vision as Pia glided into the room. “You okay?”
I nodded, turning my head to the side when she sat down in the chair next to me. “I’m sorry that I ran off like that last night.”
“Hey, it was your party. You could have run off to Mealioria, and it would have been justified.”
She laughed, but my face didn’t budge.
“What’s wrong?” she consoled, laying a hand on my shoulder.
“I’ve been making a lot of mistakes lately, and I’m just sorry.” I put my gaze back to the flame.
“Is this about the ritual? I’m sorry if I was cold to you afterwards, I just?—”
“It’s not about the ritual,” I cut her off while chewing on the tip of my finger.
“Well, then what’s wrong?”
“I did something bad.”
“What do you mean?”
I couldn’t tell her. Sebastian was her cousin, and she’d be livid if I told her. But then again, I needed to talk, and she was the only one who’d understand aside from Delani, who was busy today tending to the gardens with Archer.
Maybe this was a secret that was better off being kept inside, anyway. Aside from the one person I did feel the need to tell—Sebastian.
“Maeve?” Pia grabbed my wrist, yanking the fingernail from my lips and pulling my attention towards her. “What happened?”
