And for the first time in a while, the panic won. It consumed every cell in my body, replacing normal bodily function with my flight-or-fight response.
My breathing turned voluntary, forceful and labored. Stinging with each inhale.
I had made so much progress over the past year with my anxiety, but with everything that had happened since my first encounter with Beaumont and with Blythe, I was due for a good relapse.
I thought more about my plans, specifically plan three, and the more I considered what I was truly offering, the more I realized how Sebastian was right. I was offering myself as a sacrificial lamb, and for what? My death wouldn’t truly make things easier for my loved ones—being gone would only make things easier for me.
My eyes welled, but I looked up at the orb lights, using the brightness to dry the tears up.
“Love?”
“Mm.”
“Why are you crying?” Sebastian reached over me, using his bent arm to pull me back into his chest. “You are safe. I’m here with you. Always.”
“I just—” I choked on the harshness of my breaths. “I thought I was getting better,” I squeaked out amidst the cracks in myvoice, the words nothing more than airy sobs as the brutal truth tore my heart in half.
“What do you mean,getting better?”
“I haven't felt the motivational pull to just…let go, for years. I know I may seem like a mess to most of you, but I’ve been better the past year.I swear. Way better than I used to be.” I had to pause to avoid suffocating on a blubbering sob. “I don’t know what's wrong with me. Why is my brain so broken beyond repair?” I covered my mouth with my palm to try and muffle the instability of my breathing. “I thought I was better.”
Sometimes you don’t see the madness of the shadows until you're already completely lost in the darkness.
“Maeve,” Sebastian spoke softly, rubbing his hand through my hair like my mother used to when I was upset. “This is something you will battle your entire life. There will be good times, and there will be hard times. It doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you.”
He guided my body in a turn, pressing his forehead to mine. “You are strong. You can andwillpower through this, and I’ll be here by your side through it all, just like you were for me last year.”
All I could do was focus on staying alive by counting my breaths, and soak in the tranquility his touch caressed me with.
“You don’t need to bebetter, because you are not broken. Look at me.” He lifted my chin with his thumb and forefinger, my soppy eyes meeting his glazed over ones. “I love you to the ends of the world. I love you to the veil and beyond. To the galaxies and back. And I will always be here, through every hard time, every happy time, and every time in between. You have my word,” he vowed. “This is not just your battle, it's ours. I will walk with you through every step of it, and you will come out stronger each and every time. I promise you.”
He pulled my head back into his chest, where I allowed regret laced with sadness to consume me until I fell asleep in his embrace.
“Here we are again,”Kohen complained, dropping his tense body into a chair.
Pia fell onto his lap, granting me a worried glance from across the room.
Though it was unlit, my head turned towards the fireplace, studying the piles of ash and dried wood. My cheeks had retained their red hue from my early morning panic attack for the entire day, and if you knew me well enough, you could guess what caused the rawness.
My attention snagged on the door when Delani entered the common room. I patted the ground next to me, though she refused my offer, taking up one of the free chairs.
“I’m sick of being in this room for things that don’t involve drinking,” Kohen whined, this time the complaint accompanied by a borderline childlike persona.
Pia grumbled out a sigh then stood up to grab a glass from the bar cart. She topped it off with a dark liquor and handed it to him, then resumed her position on his lap. “No one said you couldn't drink during these meetings. Now, shush.”
“Where's my father?” Delani asked Kade as he strolled into the room. Her eyes roamed from his boots, up past his taupe pants, then stopped for a brief moment on the outlines of his pectoral muscle.
Interesting. Obvious as all hell, Delani. But still, interesting.
“He gathered a team to search the grounds and the borders of Lumosia to see if they can find any more Hykahs,” Kaderesponded, his golden eyes glued to Delani’s before he took his seat in the chair next to her. I thought I even saw an inkling of a smile sneak onto his lips.
Also interesting.
Sebastian and Sawyer, after a somewhat reluctant glance towards one another, took the sofa—the only seats left.
I wondered if they had actually talked after the Hykah attack or if they were putting on a show for my sake. I knew Sebastian well, and he was much too possessive to just let what happened between Sawyer and me slide—on Sawyer’s end, at least. But then again, anything was possible, I supposed.
“Let me make one thing clear.” Kohen began, downing the remainder of his drink in a single gulp. He cleared his throat with a slight purse of his lips immediately after. “When this meeting concludes, I’m not stepping foot into this room forat leasta week. We don’t leave here until we have asolution. No moreplans.” He put air quotes around the last word. “We need an actual answer to all of this madness. Got it?”
