“I agree with Marcus,” Ez said. “I’ve read most of my parents’ records, and they are way too comfortable with sharing their sex lives with the world.”
“Exactly! I don’t want to hear about my dad getting a BJ in the woods,” Marcus whined.
I shrugged. “I don’t think it’s unnecessary. These relationships— and all their details— are an integral part of a chosen one’s calling. The reader is going to miss important things if that stuff is erased. When it’s mine and Ava’s turn to add to the records, we aren’t leaving anything out.”
I nearly winced as I heard the words come out of my mouth. I hadn’t thought about what adding to these records would be like now that Ava and I weren’t together, or how our current relationship status might taint our stories. I knew Takahashi expected us to write down everything we’d been through, but I didn’t know if I had it in me to revisit our past. Not now— and probably not ever.
There were pieces of me and Ava’s story that wouldn’t make sense in general if we didn’t put in the explicit parts. I wasn’t ashamed of it, because those memories weren’t something I felt I needed to be ashamed of. Sex wasn’t some immoral thing to be hidden in the dark and never spoken about. There was nothing obscene, disgusting or wrong about what Ava and I had done together. We’d been husband and wife, and it was healthy for us to express that love. We’d grown, healed and learned so much about each other, ourselves and our relationship through our sexual experiences. Maybe by reading about them, and sharing with the world what we’d done together, other people could heal, too.
But how could we revisit all those memories now, even if history required it?
I didn’t think Ava and I could work together on compiling our records, but I couldn’t leave her to do it on her own, either. There were important pieces of our story that she hadn’t been there to witness. I was more than happy to tell the world about how much I loved her, and everything we’d done together… but I didn’t know if she’d feel the same. She might want to take all those special parts out, and make it seem like those treasured moments never happened at all.
It gutted me.
I quickly changed the subject before anyone could comment on what I’d said. “Does anyone know why this meeting was called?”
“Takahashi wanted to speak with us,” Ez said. “Also, I think I might’ve found something.”
“Then lay it on us,” I told him.
Ez hesitated. “We should probably wait for Takahashi… and Ava.”
My heart stuttered at the sound of her name. I didn’t realize she’d be here today. The words caught in my throat. “Where’s… Ava?”
“Same place she always is— out in Ilamanthe, trying to fix the city,” Marcus said, as if I should know.
I sat up straighter. “Wait, what?”
“Didn’t you know?” Marcus rattled on. “Ever since Christmas, Ava’s been busy trying to fix what she broke. You know— helping to repair buildings, talking to grieving families, visiting sick people, fundraising to give aid to people who were impacted by her actions. She’s out there all day, every day. She never takes any breaks or days off.”
My features must’ve grown paler by the second, because Kallie nudged Marcus and muttered his name under her breath.
“Ow! What was that for—?” Marcus cut off. “Oh, right. Sorry.”
Everyone knew better than to bring Ava up around me, because it hurt just thinking about her. But this was different. We weren’t talking about what used to be. This was about what Ava was doing to make things better. All this time, I thought she’d been avoiding me. Now I knew that Ava was doing her best to mend the damage caused by her behavior. She wasn’t just sitting around feeling guilty about what she’d done. She was trying to make up for her mistakes.
Meanwhile, I’d been sitting around doing nothing, failing to take any action on fixing my own.
That made me feel like shit, until I realized hosting another pity party wasn’t going to do me any favors. I wasn’t Cameron. At least Ava was putting forth an effort to change her ways. If she could do something to help in the aftermath of everything that happened, then so could I. I had all this free time now that Cameron made it clear he had no interest in me, so I might as well do something useful. The last thing any of us needed was for me to mope in bed for another month while the Warden conquered everything outside of Ilamanthe. If we were going down, we might as well go down fighting. Ava was out there busting her ass to help others, so I needed to step up, too.
I just needed to find a place to start.
Ez and Danny saved us all from an awkward silence. They went back to debating loudly about the raunchy content in the other archives while I got up from my seat and retreated to a bookshelf at the edge of the room, unable to sit still right now.
Marcus’ tell-tale footsteps approached. “I know that look on your face. Your head’s not in the game.”
I scowled. “Well, it needs to be, because I can’t afford to keep missing things.”
“What’s on your mind?” Marcus asked.
I paused, before I figured I needed to talk to someone about this who wasn’t my dog. I didn’t want to spill what Ava and I had done behind her back, but Marcus was one of our best friends— both of ours. I didn’t think she’d mind. If there was anyone to confide in, he’d probably be the best choice. “Ava and I… uh… we slept together.”
I heard the complete shock in his tone. “Wait— you guys slept together? Does that mean?—”
“No, we’re not back together. As far as I know, she still wants to go through with the divorce.”
Marcus balked. “But… you guys…”
