“How do you stay so resilient? How can I figure out how to mend what I broke? How can I decide if this divorce is what I want, or if I want to save this marriage?”
She squeezed my fingers tightly. “One more day. That’s all it takes. You exist to see one more sunrise, one more nightfall, then repeat that process for as long as you can. Then, as time passes, the answers come. The gods will send you signs, signals and help along the way, and eventually, the pieces of the puzzle come together until you’re looking at the full picture. And by that time, it’ll be so clear you’ll wonder why you didn’t see it before.”
“How do I know what I’m fighting for if I don’t know what the ending will be?”
“You can’t promise yourself the outcome. Only have faith it will come to pass. You don’t need to have all the answers right now. But you do have to keep moving forward. There will always be those who are willing to battle beside you, if you know where to look. You don’t have to fight for this marriage alone, or live a life in solitude if you decide your relationship is done. There are people surrounding you from all sides that will support whatever decision you make, and your ancestors are here to guide you along your path. Let them show you the way.”
My voice wavered as I asked, “And what if I’m not brave enough to go after what I truly want? What if it’s going to take from me more than what I can give? What if I can’t… handle it?”
“Impossible. You’re strong, Ava, just like I am.” Hemlock sat back in her rocking chair. The orange rays of the early dawn beamed brilliantly across the creases near her eyes. “Magic or not, you’ll forge this world into what you want it to be, because that’s what you’ve always done. When you’re ready, you’ll take your fate into your own hands. But first, you have to allow yourself to heal. And heal, you will indeed.”
We fell into silence. The voices, I noticed, hadn’t returned. Together, Hemlock and I watched the sun come up over the horizon.
One more day. If that was all it took to figure this out, I’d continue to be here.
Though I had absolutely no idea of what tomorrow would bring.
Chapter Five
CHARLIE
The day of my seanari’s funeral arrived, and I wished I was being buried with him.
I didn’t want to be conscious for it, and I wasn’t. Not really. I just… shut myself off. On top of everything else, I couldn’t bear to feel this, too.
Eddie arrived at my quarters that morning and helped make me presentable. My father had promised I’d have no other servants at my disposal, and he wasn’t budging on that, not even for Cassiel’s funeral. I could tell Eddie wasn’t pleased to help, but if he weren’t here I wasn’t sure I’d make it out of bed at all.
We exchanged no words as Eddie scrubbed every speck of dirt from my skin until my entire body had been rubbed raw. Sprigs scurried around the countertop to hand Eddie various bottles, so he could slather every inch of me in oils and perfumes. I wasn’t sick, but I might as well be, because I was so grief-stricken that I couldn’t really dress myself. I hated how much I needed my guard, as I was sure he hated how much he had to take care of me. He redressed the wound where my finger used to be. No one had offered to call in a healer, and I was more than willing to bet my father had forbidden it. He’d want everyone in the palace to see what my punishment had been— to make a spectacle out of it.
I was probably due for a haircut, but Eddie must’ve known I’d refuse, because he simply combed my hair back. I wouldn’t let anybody cut my hair but Ava, and she was never going to do that again, so it would be down to my ankles by the time I finally died. I let him shave the stubble that had grown across my jawline, then he shoved me into some sort of suit, though I didn’t bother noting any details about what he’d picked out for me.
Eddie remained silent as he adjusted his tie and fitted a patch over his missing eye before he led me out of the bedroom. Sprigs perched on my shoulder. It seemed my little plant friend was the only being who wasn’t wholly pissed at me. I didn’t think he could comprehend what had happened; if he had, surely he’d abandon me, too. His innocence was devastating more than anything, because it reminded me of another’s innocence I’d ruined, and therefore, his presence brought me no comfort at all.
I half expected Marcus to be waiting to walk down to the temple with me, but he wasn’t around. I bet my father had forbidden him to accompany me. He wanted me to feel every ounce of loneliness possible, to remind me of the depth of the decisions I’d made.
The joke was on him, because I didn’t feel lonely. Instead, I felt nothing at all.
Are you ready, Charlie? Oberi asked, pressing his wet nose against my hand.
I was so out of it I hadn’t even sensed his magic signaling he was here with me. I couldn’t muster up a response. Instead, I gave a nod.
Oberi started forward, and Eddie followed to escort us to the temple. My father had certainly ordered him to keep a close eye on me today. Eddie wasn’t the only one. Several other pairs of footsteps trailed behind us as my father’s guards kept watch of my movements. My father didn’t want me sneaking out of the palace while everyone was occupied at the funeral.
As if I would miss this. Cameron claimed to love Cassiel more than I ever could, but my father had no idea how deep my admiration for my seanari went. If anything compared to how miserable I felt over losing Ava, grieving my grandfather was a close second.
I’d forgotten to count my steps, and we arrived at the temple far too soon. Inside, the sound of bagpipes played while soft whispers filled the air. One of the Elvish mystics escorted me down the aisle and to the front of the chapel. I heard a few gasps, and the whispers grew louder as people took notice of my bandaged hand.
Your father’s smirking quite proudly. Oberi was just trying to be helpful by describing our surroundings, but he couldn’t keep the distaste from his tone. He’s got a big stupid crown on his head, like he has to remind everyone who’s in charge.
“Of course he does,” I mumbled back. He couldn’t even attend a funeral without making it about himself.
He’s sitting in a pew designated for the royal family, but it’s all full, Oberi noted. Looks like we’re headed to the pew across the aisle reserved for extended family members.
My father was obviously sending a message to the entire kingdom. I was still family— just not important.
The scent of raspberries nearly brought me to my knees. Ava didn’t say anything as I took my designated seat beside her. It’s like she thought she could hide from me by just being silent, but the pace of her breath alone gave her away.
As much as I desperately wanted to say something to her— to reach out and touch her— I didn’t. Things were easier that way. I longed for her to look at me even though I wouldn’t be aware of her acknowledging my appearance, because it’d still be a gift despite me being unable to experience it. It was a miracle she’d blessed me with her presence, and on one of the worst days of my life, I’d eagerly accept that treasure and ask for nothing else.
