“Big deal,” I shot at him. “Anyone can make a potion with the right ingredients, even a human. You don’t even need magic for most potions.”
“Not anyone.” Marcus shook his head. “Potions are complicated. They require the right measurements, and you have to get the process right… it’s not something any old moron could do. Don’t doubt yourself. You’re still one of the most talented alchemists of our time.”
I scoffed. “There will be plenty of alchemists to take my place once I’m toast.”
Nonchalant, he asked, “You want to know how I tried to kill myself?”
It was such an odd question, and I didn’t know how to answer. It wasn’t something you asked in polite conversation, a topic most people would avoid.
Not Marcus and me. We could talk about shit like this and it wouldn’t matter, because that’s what we did. “First time, the rope broke. Second time, my parents got me to the hospital fast enough so the doctors could pump my stomach.”
“Two times?” I hadn’t realized he’d tried twice.
“I gave up trying after that. I figured I was just as shitty at killing myself as I was at everything else, and if I’d failed twice at dying, I might as well stick around to see what this world still had left to offer.”
He scratched his curls. “The first time, it was a really half-hearted attempt, so I wasn’t surprised it didn’t happen. The second time, though, I was pretty serious, because I was desperate. I was done with life and all its shit. But you know what was weird? Before I passed out, I had the thought that I actually didn’t want to die. And that one moment of emotional overwhelm had caused me to make a really stupid mistake.”
He shrugged. “I’m not going to try and talk you out of it. If you want to drink that potion, go ahead. I don’t believe anyone should be forced to continue on in this life against their will. But I’m also not gonna walk away and let you do this by yourself. You go through with it, I’m staying here to watch.”
“That’s cruel,” I spat. “Why would you do that?”
“I’ve already watched you die once, Ava. And the way I see it, it’s your choice if you want to keep doing this or not. I’m not going to let you die alone. But I will be really sad to see you go.”
Part of me knew I was being manipulated. It wasn’t like I was going to down this potion with an audience, especially not in front of one of my best friends. I was basically implicating him in assisted suicide.
But Marcus promised not to stop me. He knew what it was like. He wasn’t begging me to stay, like Charlie would, or trying to get me to see the light like Kallie would do. He was leaving it up to me.
“Give me one good reason why I should stay. Maybe I’ll think about it.”
“I can’t. There’s nothing I can tell you that will convince you this life is worth living. But what I can say is that you don’t know what tomorrow will look like if you don’t stick around to get through today.”
“I’ll be saving myself, and others, from suffering if I just end it all now.”
“You will be saving yourself from unbearable pain. But you’ll also be depriving yourself of incredible, undeniable, intense joy,” Marcus insisted. “Moving on from this life would spare you more suffering than you know now. But godsdamn, Ava… you’d really miss a lot.”
His words nearly moved me to tears. There was so much I’d miss out on if I decided to drink this potion. I’d fail to watch my siblings grow up, to watch Ez get married and become a father to his and Opal’s kids. I wouldn’t get to laugh with Kallie in the pool, or have another board game tournament with Marcus. I wouldn’t get to have long talks on the beach with Daddy, or watch the sunset with Mama back home in Kinpago as dragons flew across the sky. I wouldn’t get to make up with Ivy and talk shit with them behind people’s backs ever again. I wouldn’t be able to sew dresses, do my hair, play with makeup or have dinner with my grandparents. I’d never drive my car again, and feel the sun on my face as the wind blew back my hair. I’d never run my hands through Oberi’s fur, or play the music I loved once this was done.
There was so much more of me that wasn’t tied to my magic at all. And the thought crossed my mind that I’d never, ever get to look into Charlie’s eyes again, or watch him turn into an old man, despite both of these things being as painful as they were glorious.
I’d been to the afterlife, and as awesome as it was, there was something beautifully broken about what one could experience in this life, because at any moment you could lose it. Even if I could experience these things in spirit from the other side, it wouldn’t be the same as going through all those powerful emotions here, in the body I had now.
Everybody acted like the fear of missing out was such a bad thing. But maybe it wasn’t, if it gave you hope and kept you holding on for more. Even though there was no promise any of those things would continue to exist if I made the choice to keep going.
I could give up, accept defeat, and lay down to die. Or I could accept my mistakes, own up to what I’d done and do my damndest to fix it, even if that was impossible.
But I was pretty damn good at pulling off the impossible, and it wasn’t in my nature to be defeated.
Not. Fucking. Me. I could wish for this to be over with all I wanted, but the game wasn’t over, and I was still playing. I could jump off, or get back on the board.
The smallest bit of determination held me back from making that jump. No.
When I failed to say anything, Marcus stood, holding out his hand. “You gonna pour that out?”
I shook my head, then handed the death potion to Marcus. “Keep it. For someone who deserves it.”
He subconjured it. I was glad it was out of my hands.
“I don’t want to go home.” I sighed, just wishing to get a break from my mind and the rest of the world.
