“What is it?” Liam asked.
I wrung my hands together. “I just… I don’t know if I have what it takes to be a good husband and a good dad. I’m trying my hardest, but I still feel like I’m failing.”
Liam spoke gently, and I knew something had changed between us. “You can’t fail unless you stop trying.”
My voice cracked. “But we’re so broken.”
“That’s the thing, kid. You can’t really be broken, so long as you don’t give up.” He squeezed my shoulder, then left me there.
His words nearly shattered me. I hadn’t given up, and if my climb up the mountain proved anything, it was that I wouldn’t. I had to keep going.
I returned to my quarters. I changed into warm clothes and stopped in my tracks before I left. Casey didn’t have anything to wear apart from what the hospital supplied, because we hadn’t been able to prepare for his arrival. He had nothing… except the tiny onesie Ava had gifted me at Christmas. I pulled it out of the drawer, then headed back to the NICU. I spent most of my days there now. I hardly left Casey’s side, and if my next step was to wait on Ava, then this is where I’d be until she decided to talk to me.
I found coffee in the lobby and poured myself some. I warmed my hands on the cup and sipped the hot liquid until the shivers subsided. Once feeling had returned to my fingers, I threw away the empty cup and returned to the NICU.
Eldin stood guard outside the room, while Doctor Foxe tended to Casey inside. I’d become acquainted with her over the last few weeks. I trusted her to care for my son, which was more than I could say for most people.
“How’s he doing?” I asked when I entered the room.
“His healing treatments are working well,” Doctor Foxe said. “He’s strong enough now to handle longer periods outside the incubator. Would you like to hold him?”
Her words caused my heart to lift, driving away any remaining chill lingering in my body. “Yes, please.”
Doctor Foxe worked to rearrange tubes, then opened the incubator. “He’s all yours.”
With steady hands, I reached for my son and lifted him for the first time, cradling his head as I took him in my arms. I hadn’t held him until now, only touched him through the incubator, because I’d been afraid of harming him with how frail he was. But after climbing that mountain, it became clear to me that I hadn’t refrained from holding him because I was worried for his safety— it was because I’d been too afraid to get uncomfortable. The thought of holding him was terrifying, because I feared I might unintentionally hurt him like I’d hurt Ava.
I realized then that Ava wasn’t the only one afraid of me. I was afraid of myself, too, but I couldn’t keep running from the discomfort of my own fear. Doing so only hurt everyone around me. To be the father I desired to be, I had to put my child first and become the dad he needed.
Casey wiggled against my chest, and an overwhelm of emotions washed over me. Tears streamed freely down my cheeks, and I let my love for him pour out. I pulled him closer, running the end of my nose across his smooth forehead.
“I’m here, baby boy,” I whispered. He curled his tiny fingers in my sweater and clung on tight.
My heart nearly burst out of my chest. It felt like he was asking for my warmth, which was something I would always provide him.
I laid him down on a nearby changing table. Carefully, I placed his arms and legs into the onesie and secured the buttons around the tubes before picking him back up again.
I rocked my son side to side. Ava had sewn this onesie for us, stitch by stitch, and now I was using it to envelop our son. She wasn’t here to have him in her arms, because she couldn’t right now, but Casey was still swathed in her love.
My tears fell onto the fabric. Every painful moment of climbing that mountain, every second of numbness seemed like a distant memory, because the joy of holding my son was all that mattered. The discomfort I’d felt earlier today was no longer bothersome, because this moment of bliss was far more powerful than any hardship could ever be.
Why would I ever deprive myself of such joys, just to avoid the pain it took to get here?
Everyone was right. I kept running from my problems. I’d been forced into uncomfortable situations all my life, but I’d never walked into them willingly. This time, I had to, and it had to be my choice. And I knew better now, so I had to give Ava her choice, too.
Ava needed a hero, someone to be her champion and be willing to battle for her when she wasn’t strong enough to fight for herself. If she wasn’t able to keep fighting for our marriage, I’d have to be strong enough to fight for the both of us.
I needed to get uncomfortable and climb this damn mountain, because that’s what Ava was asking me to do. Whether she wanted to pursue this marriage or not would be her decision. At least I’d know I did everything I could instead of throwing in the towel. I’d try to save what we had left, and if it couldn’t be saved, then so be it, but I wouldn’t let it die until I’d tried everything. Then Ava would know how I truly felt about her, and how deeply I cared.
Then she could make a choice from a place of safety, instead of being forced to stay or go.
I leaned down to kiss Casey’s head. “I’m going to fix things between me and your mom— or at least, I’m going to try. I promised I’d be the best dad. Now I have to make that same commitment to your mom, and be the best husband I can.”
Casey’s fingers brushed my cheek. I’d sworn to protect this family. From now on, that’s exactly what I would do.
Chapter Twenty
AVA-MARIE
