“Best for who?” Liam challenged. “For some couples, going their separate ways is what’s best for them, but you two are not the standard couple. You have a soul connection that makes you different from everyone else on the planet.”
“We don’t anymore. I broke our bond,” I snapped. Why did everyone have to keep rubbing that in my face? I knew I’d made a mistake, but continuing to hear about it every day for the rest of my life was carving me to shreds!
“Bullshit. The magic is gone, and the two pieces of your soul are no longer connected, but your ties to each other are still there,” Liam replied. “Neither of you want this relationship to end— you two just want the problems to end. She’s not the only one who’s lying, Charlie. She’s an expert at deceiving people, but you’re an expert at deceiving yourself.”
“I don’t know how to stop lying to myself about what I want. I’m not doing it consciously. It’s for survival. I’m not intentionally trying to lie to myself. It’s just easier that way.”
The boulders I’d been scaling ended when we came upon a flat rock face that rose hundreds of feet above my head. It was a giant cliff, and the only thing standing between me and the summit. To reach the top of the mountain, I was going to have to climb a wall, though I barely had any feeling left in my fingers to grip the small handholds in the rock.
There was a good chance I’d die, either from a tumble off the side or by freezing straight to the side of this cliff. It didn't matter. I either made it to the top, or I would die trying.
I shook out my hands, then faced the sheer rock face head-on, and began climbing straight upward. Julian dug his massive dragon claws into the mountain to scale the cliff beside me.
“Where did this habit come from?” Liam pressed on.
I didn’t have to think about it. My cold lips flattened as I rambled on, talking more to myself than to him. “When I was a foster kid, telling myself lies about the future was the only way to get by. I’d tell myself everything would be okay when I knew it never could be, or that I didn’t like the people I was staying with even though I’d gotten really close to them, because I knew I would be ripped away from them the next day without even a goodbye. Telling myself stories was the only way to survive, because I wouldn’t have otherwise. If I had faced the truth as a kid, it would’ve killed me. So I just told myself whatever I had to, and that habit stuck, even when I got to a safe place where I didn’t have to lie anymore.”
“And what’s the story you’re telling yourself here?” Liam prompted.
I took a ragged breath, the bitter cold piercing sharp shards through my lungs, because this conversation was pissing me off. “That me and Ava aren’t going to work out. That this marriage is over, and that I need to take my kid and get as far away from her as possible, because the only way I’ll stop hurting is if she’s out of my life for good.”
That was the biggest lie I’d ever told. I’d never stop being in love with Ava. Centuries could pass without me hearing a whisper of her name, and I’d still want her.
“Why are you telling this to yourself if it’s not the truth?” Liam pressed.
“Because Ava has the capability to destroy me, and I can’t let her!”
My feet slipped, and so did my grip on the next handhold as I tried to pull myself up. I fumbled against the cliff, hanging on by one hand as I became suspended against the rock face. I hung there, my arm on fire as it supported my whole body weight, crying out in pain as the mountainside dug into my palm.
Liam didn’t move to help me. He merely watched as I dangled there, on the precipice of death. If he dies, he dies, I guess.
I was pretty high up. If I lost my grip, I’d go tumbling to my death. I could use my Air magic to save me, but that would be cheating. I could prompt the Earth magic inside of me to move the rock so I could climb the mountain easier, but I wasn’t going to do that, either. My ancestors had climbed mountains without the use of magic to finish their ceremonies, so I had to do that, too. Many of them had probably died in the attempt to do so, and I wasn’t a coward.
I gritted my teeth, then let out a yell as I forced my arm to lift me higher. I grabbed on to the next handhold, and my feet managed to locate a place to land. I continued climbing, sweat droplets freezing on my face as I scaled higher.
Liam watched me, dropping his voice. “I know you love Ava, and continuing to lie to yourself isn’t going to help. A hundred years can pass and you’re still going to want her. She’s going to destroy you either way if this marriage ends. Trying to protect yourself isn’t going to prevent that pain from coming. So which story do you want to keep telling yourself? Are you going to choose the lies, or the hope, even if the hope hurts more in the process?”
“Even if I did this… I’m not the only one with problems.” My breaths were labored. I shivered, struggling to find handholds, using every ounce of strength within me to maintain my grip as the icy cold overtook all feeling. I was going to develop frostbite if I didn’t get to the top of this mountain, and Liam was such a hard-ass I figured he’d leave me here. The thought of making things right with Casey’s mother was the only thing keeping me going, because if my son wasn’t alive, I’d have given up already and let the mountain take me. Life felt like this, endless climbing with no summit in sight, and I just wanted to get to the top by now. Why couldn’t I manage to overcome the storms in my life? They never got better— only got worse.
“You’re right,” he said. “Ava hasn’t been honest with you about what she wants, and she has to work on that, too. But can you understand why that would be terrifying for her, to be honest with you after what you did?”
I shivered again, only this time it wasn’t from the cold. I clung to the side of the rock face, Liam’s words skewering through me like a blade that held me in place. I’d given a lot of thought to what I’d done by breaking our bond. The guilt had consumed me, causing me to lay awake for many sleepless nights wondering how I could undo the damage.
But I’d never looked beyond the guilt. It hadn’t occurred to me that Ava wasn’t just hurt, or angry… she was wholly and utterly afraid.
Afraid of me. Afraid of being left defenseless without her powers… left without her protector.
Afraid that being honest with me and asking me to return might destroy her all over again.
Reality crashed into me as I realized the truth. Ava was afraid of men. She always had been. It’d been obvious from the beginning. She’d never wanted to date, get close, never wanted to put her heart on the line after what had happened to her, but she’d made an exception for me… because she’d believed in me. She knew that I was stronger than her, able to hurt her in whatever way I wished without her being able to do a damn thing about it. Without her magic, I could overpower her easily, without even trying. If she couldn’t trust me anymore, how could she be sure I wouldn’t do something to hurt her again? Not just emotionally, but physically and otherwise. Things had been great between us for years, and she’d eagerly given me her body. That had been a very precious gift she’d been afraid to give away. But she knew in the back of her mind that if I wanted to, I had the capability to take that gift by force, and she couldn’t do anything to stop me.
I’d never force myself upon Ava. It went against the very core of me to even think about it. I’d prefer to slit my own throat. But I’d forced her to do other things, and she feared what else I was capable of. Too many terrible people had done things to Ava without her consent, from the Warden to John to the supernatural world itself… and I hated to find myself among their ranks, because I’d forced my will to rule the world upon Ava when she didn’t want it.
I was still forcing her into things. She was seeking a divorce not because she wanted one, but because I’d convinced her I’d given up and there was no other way.
It was clear. She was terrified of me. I’d been stuck in my pain, too hurt to look through her eyes and understand just how frightening I was to her.
That wasn’t the role of a husband. I was supposed to be her hero, the person she looked up to and the man who always kept her safe. She was supposed to be my top priority, but I’d left her alone in the middle of a deserted world with no one to defend her, or even be her friend.
