“Very good,” Daddy said in approval. “Let’s try again.”
I let a few more arrows fly, and each one I fired got closer to the bullseye than the last. With each arrow I felt the tension in my body ease, relief replacing worry.
“You’re a natural shot, Ava,” Daddy stated. “You’ll be an expert in no time.”
This was something I could actually do. I wasn’t sure how much good my arrows would do against the Warden’s godlike power, but at least I wasn’t waiting around. With these arrows, I could wound. I could kill.
And I could potentially stop someone from hurting my baby if they tried to come after him. It wasn’t magic, but the bow was a weapon I could wield all the same. I wasn’t completely defenseless anymore.
I laid the bow across my lap. “I want to practice every day. I need to be as strong as possible, and if I’m going to fight alongside the Firebirds, my shots need to be accurate. I have to be able to hit a moving target with my eyes closed every time.”
“If that’s what you want to do, I’ll train you until you’re the best archer in the Toaqua tribe,” Daddy said.
A relieved smile broke across my face— the first in weeks. “Thanks, Daddy. I don’t feel so useless anymore.”
“You’ve always been a great warrior of our tribe. You’ve had a fighting spirit since you were born, and taking away your ability to battle tore you apart,” Daddy said. “If we stick with this, I can make you a warrior again.”
“That’s all I ever wanted. To be able to defend people, and be brave.”
“You’ve never had a problem with being brave, peanut. Courage is one of your strengths. But you do struggle with being sure of yourself, even when your heart knows what it wants.” Daddy groaned as he sat on a nearby bench, taking a break.
I came beside him. “I can’t be sure of anything. I thought becoming a parent would give me all the answers, like I’d instinctually know what to do in every situation. If anything, it’s only given me more questions.”
“Your mother and I had months to think about becoming parents. Stepping into this role takes time, and you had none. I know you’re struggling to connect with Casey. That’s normal, and it doesn’t make you a bad person.”
“Then why does it feel like it?”
“Because you’re putting the expectations of other people onto yourself. Your life doesn’t have to follow their narrative. You can give yourself time to bond with Casey, and take all of that time you need. You don’t need to be head over heels in love with him tomorrow.”
“But what if I never make that connection? What if there’s so much broken inside of me that I can’t anymore?” That’s what I was truly afraid of.
“That doesn’t mean you get to leave him behind.”
“I shouldn’t be punished because I chose to sleep with a terrible man.”
“Casey isn’t a punishment, Ava. He’s a person,” Daddy said firmly.
“Daddy, you don’t understand. I feel so empty when I look at him,” I replied, voice aching. “No child deserves to have their parent feel that way about them. It would be better for him if I could find someone who actually wanted him, someone who wants to be a mom and who could give him the world. What can I give him? Nothing.”
“You can give him everything he needs and more,” Daddy insisted. “That’s the Ava I know.”
“What kind of mom can I be? I’m in a wheelchair.”
“That’s a poor excuse, peanut, and you know it. That chair has never stopped you before. You’re looking for excuses.”
“Can you blame me?” I demanded. “What would you do in my situation?”
“What you want to do moving forward is up to you. But if you’re going to move forward, you need to be honest with yourself about what you want. Not follow the advice of others because it’s common knowledge on what you should do.”
“What I want is contradictory to what I think. My heart and head are at odds, so how do I know which one to listen to?”
“What does your head say?”
I scowled. “That what Charlie did is unforgivable. That I need to leave him behind me and never see him again, because I can’t allow him to get away with what he did.”
“And your heart?”
My lip trembled as I hushed, “I want my marriage back.”
