“Maybe you think it means nothing, but that word means something to me. You wouldn’t have said it if you didn’t think I was one.”
“Well, if the high heel fits!” I was fed up with this conversation. If Ivy wanted to be a right bastard, fine. I could be one, too.
“At least I didn’t try to blow up the world in order to get back at everyone who’s screwed me over, you raging, lunatic bitch!”
“I didn’t do this to punish the world! I did this to save it.”
“Don't lie, Ava. This wasn't some altruistic act of benevolent mercy. You just wanted to give the world the biggest middle finger it's ever had, a grand fuck you before you spitefully sped out and drove the rest of us into a blaze of glory, and now you're throwing a fit because Charlie told you no.”
Ivy shook their head. “Don't you think the rest of us would like to do that every now and then? You ain't the only person in this world who wished they had a big red do over button, and could press it whenever they didn't want to exist anymore, and nothing else either. But the difference is the rest of us realize how stupid that is, and we snapped out of it. You tried to push that button. I can't forgive you for not wanting to hold on. Not one bit, precious.”
Ivy turned their back to me. “Now get out.”
Wasn’t more to say after that, was there? I left, though once I was in the main hall that joined all the bedrooms, colors began swirling together. The world tilted upon itself, shapes bending around me as items conjoined into singular objects instead of solitary pieces. I became dizzy, bile rising in my throat as I felt sick. There was shouting all around me, growing greater and greater and greater…
Loud. So loud.
I couldn’t take this. The divorce, the fight with Ivy, what I’d seen in the city… it broke me. I didn’t have any sanity left to give, but everything around me was demanding I sacrifice every last drop.
I was aware I was having some kind of mental breakdown, and was in crisis. I’d gone through this so many times I knew the best thing I could do right now was go to the palace hospital and get some help.
But my former breakdowns were never on this kind of scale. I didn’t think any pill, treatment or therapy in the world would be enough to take away the guilt. Takahashi was a counselor, and I knew he probably wanted to reach out, but not even he could work a miracle on the fucked-up kind of person I was.
I deserved to live in exile, banished from any kind of love or friendship I could receive for the rest of my life, because what I’d done was unforgivable. I needed to be punished in the worst way there was. I planned to do just that— to take what little I needed and leave Ilamanthe, find a place at the edge of the world and waste away while I waited for death. At least then, others would be safe from me. I didn’t give a damn if the Warden found me. I didn’t have any power left, so he couldn’t use me anymore anyway, and if he killed me it would be a blessing, because others would be safe from me.
There was one problem. I couldn’t leave unless this divorce was granted, because otherwise, the monarchy would go looking for me and would drag me back here. I didn’t need Charlie’s signature to leave him, but if he contested this divorce, this process could drag out for far longer than I could handle. We could be in litigation for months or even years, going back and forth between lawyers and courtrooms endlessly. He’d eventually wear me down and make it so I gave up.
I needed him to sign those papers, and it had to be right now. The longer this went on, the more I'd lose the heart to do this, and I couldn't go through this agony anymore. We had to split up before my feelings forced me to work it out, because no matter how much I loved Charlie, I couldn't forgive him this time.
But what was I going to do? He wasn't going to sign them. He'd drag out this process for as long as he could while he searched for ways to convince me to stay?—
It dawned on me slowly. I came to a sickening realization. There was one thing Charlie wouldn't forgive. I was sure of it.
It churned my stomach to think about, but I had no options. He hadn't left me with any. If I wanted out of this, I needed to be unfaithful.
Ancestors. I nearly puked just thinking about it.
Infidelity was certainly a word I'd never thought would get anywhere near my marriage. Charlie was my one, my only.
Maybe that's why this was so painful. I was so dependent on him that I’d allowed him to become my whole world, and he'd shattered it.
Charlie wouldn't be able to take the thought of me sleeping with another guy. Once he found out, he’d completely lose it. He'd become disgusted with me, and kick me out. Then I’d be free to… do what?
Die of misery, probably. But at least it wouldn't be as painful as staying connected to a man who I insanely loved, yet had hurt me deeper than anyone else ever had.
I couldn't make up a lie. He’d know I wasn't being truthful. If this was the route I was taking, I had to see it through. I couldn’t handle the idea of fooling around with someone else, but I was desperate enough to consider anything.
I didn't want another guy inside of me. It was revolting. I was Charlie’s.
He'd really fucked with my head.
I shook myself out of it. Told my needy, submissive self that being with him wasn't an option anymore. He'd promised to protect me, then he'd destroyed me. I couldn't go crawling back to him, begging to please him no matter how much I desired to. This was my way of protecting myself.
Oberi wasn’t here to stop me. My friends weren’t here to talk me out of it. So I needed to go through with this, before I changed my mind and convinced myself there was still a chance we could work things out.
I made up my mind. I was doing this. Tonight.
Chapter Three
