“Your body will do the work for you.” Mama continued to stroke my hair. “And I’m determined to give you a better first labor than I had. You’re in the right hands.”
“Why did I need an epidural?” I asked. “I can’t feel anything.”
“You can’t feel labor pains or your uterus contracting, but your body can. Your autonomic nervous system is still registering the contractions and responding,” Mama said. “Because your brain isn’t sensing the pain, your body could go into shock and create a sudden rise of blood pressure, which could cause a heart attack or stroke. The epidural is a safeguard against that.”
“But what if I can’t push?” I asked. “I don’t have great control over anything that’s lower than my hips.”
“The contractions will push the baby out, and if you can’t push yourself, we have tools to help you deliver.”
That helped ease some of the tension. I didn’t have to do this all by myself. Mama glanced Charlie’s way. “Charlie, you look rather guilty. I want to remind you that even though you and Ava are having marital problems now, you weren’t when this baby was conceived. This child was made out of love between two married people. It’s okay that this is happening.”
“It’s not that,” Charlie started. “I mean, I know Ava didn’t want this, so sorry in advance.”
“I laid down and asked for it, so it’s not on you. It takes two, you know,” I replied.
“Yeah, but you never wanted kids. You made that known,” he said achingly.
“I wouldn’t have been with you if I didn’t accept that as a possibility, Charlie,” I said quietly. “I wouldn’t have let you lie down with me if I hadn’t been willing to carry your baby. I wouldn’t sleep with any man who I wouldn’t want to father my child.”
Charlie’s face crumpled as he struggled to hold it in, and Oberi gave a tiny whimper. It was clear my words hit him hard, blowing up whatever was left of his heart I hadn’t ruined.
Well, it was the truth. Maybe there had been a time when I’d been okay with the thought of Charlie getting me pregnant, having kids, enjoying a normal family life. I’d always been wary of the thought of being a mom, but I’d never been completely opposed. If I had found out I was pregnant before Charlie had broken our bond, we would’ve been excited about this. It would’ve felt like a celebration instead of a tragedy… something to pull us closer, instead of something to fight over.
Charlie shivered. “Okay. I still feel like this is my fault, though. That the baby’s coming, I mean.”
“How?” Mama asked.
“We were… I was touching her when she started bleeding,” Charlie babbled. “Did I do something to cause this?”
Mama shook her head. “No, Charlie. Nothing you could’ve done would’ve made this happen.
In fact, it was probably a good thing you two were being intimate, because there’s no telling if Ava would’ve noticed she was bleeding until it was too late.”
“It feels like it’s too late already!” I complained.
“You got here before this became a life-threatening medical emergency,” Mama said. “Now you’re in the proper place for the doctors to take action if it does.”
She glanced at the heartbeat monitor before she asked, “Do you need anything at the moment to make you more comfortable?”
“I don’t know what’s allowed. But my mouth is really dry.”
“Ice chips would be best,” Mama noted.
“I’ll get some.” Charlie was already moving out the door. I allowed myself to smile just a little. He was being so helpful, or at least trying. I think it was his way of telling me that although I was doing the work, he wanted to be here to help me.
“Nothing to say about me screwing around with my ex-husband?” I asked Mama, dropping my voice low.
“I’m not going to judge, and he’s not your ex-husband yet,” Mama whispered softly. “You might want to think about putting the divorce on hold for a moment.”
“Yeah, Mama, no shit. Thanks for stating the obvious.”
She reached out to grasp my hand. “I know this is frightening. But I’m not leaving you, and I’m going to be here every step of the way.”
“I didn’t want to be a mom.” My voice cracked on the last word. “Now I don't have a choice.”
“We can figure that part out later. All you have to focus on is getting this baby out,” Mama said. “We take this one step at a time.”
“But giving birth is so scary. You nearly died when you had me,” I whimpered.
