“Marcus,of courseI’m your friend. It’s okay.” Charlie wrapped Marcus in a hug, and Marcus sobbed on his shoulder.
Marcus didn’t understand what was going on with him, but his meltdown was apparent to me. Whatever he’d seen in the vision had triggered him, and he’d been struggling with leaving the Institute worse than the rest of us had.
We all wanted out of there. Marcus didn’t want to stay a prisoner. But the Institute had sunk its claws into him. He wanted to be out, but he’d become so accustomed to prison life he’d forgotten how to live outside of it. He was struggling to adjust now that we were in Ilamanthe, and that stress was making him lose his grip.
“What’s going on?” I heard Kallie’s voice echo from around the corner, and I froze. She walked in, and Marcus’ expression went from enraged to devastated.
Kallie took one look at the mess around the room. Then she pinched the bridge of her nose and muttered, “For fuck’s sake, Marcus.”
Her lack of compassion shocked me. Couldn’t she see how badly he was hurting?
“Kallie, don’t start,” Charlie warned. “He needs us.”
She rolled her eyes. “Healwaysneeds us. You guys think it’s disturbing because this is the first time you’ve seen it, but this isn’t even the first time thisweekI’ve dealt with it.”
“So don’t,” Marcus spat at her. “Leave me alone.”
“Like you mean that. You’ll be at my door in an hour or two with an apology, begging me to let you in,” she sneered. Her words were so cruel.
“Kallie, why are you being this way?” I asked. I sensed Marcus wasn’t the only one in pain here.
“Why shouldn’t I? Marcus showed up to my room drunk off his ass last night looking for a booty call!” Kallie cried, flinging her hand out.
“It wasn’t like that! I just wanted someone totalkto!” Marcus burst, and he staggered away from Charlie to face her. “Nobody understands how I feel!”
“And I’m here for you, but not if you’re going to show up completely wasted!” Kallie said.
“I didn’t know you’ve been drinking,” I said. Itsowasn’t like him.
Marcus shrugged. “I haven’t been. It was just the one time. I had a couple of drinks by myself last night, and got carried away, because…”
Marcus trailed off, and didn’t need to finish. Because he got lonely, and he didn’t know how to deal with it, or reach out for help.
“I’ve seen this movie before!” Kallie shouted. “You call me up, looking for a friend. We talk about things, we fuck around, then the next day you act like nothing happened, orworse,you get pissed off and purposefully act cruel, because you want to blamemethat your life’s fucked up. But in reality, you don’t know what you want and you don’t know how to make yourself happy! It’s the same old story, Marcus, and I don’t want to keep playing the reruns!”
“You can’t keepshaming mefor reaching out!” Marcus yelled back.
“I’m not shaming you for opening up! I’m just tired of being your punching bag, your emotional dumping ground, and your fuck buddy who you think doesn’t deserve a commitment! I refuse to keep cleaning up your shit!”
“You're always trying to fix me and solve a problem, when I don't need a solution. I just need you tounderstand,” he begged. “Asking for help isn’t easy for me, so I had to get drunk to do it.And every time I ask for help, you make me feel like shit about it. I try to get vulnerable with you, and you treat me like I'm a bad person for having feelings.”
“Oh, really?” Kallie put a hand on her hip. “Imake you feel like shit? I haven’t sat there and listened to you for hours without a word when you needed a friend? I haven’t held you when you needed someone to cry with? For fuck’s sake, I haven’t criedwith you? I’ve done everything I can to make you feel better. Hell, I’ve done whatever I needed to just to get you through the night, and I’m still falling short. You act like I haven’t sacrificed whatever I had to in order to support you, and even with all of that, you keep telling me that it’s not enough. I keep trying to pull you out of this black hole of self-loathing that you’ve put yourself in, but you refuse to come out! What else do I need to do to prove to you that I want this, and that I’m not going to abandon you?”
“I know you’ve put in the work, but this shit is hard for me!” Marcus exclaimed. “I know it hurts you to see me this way, and I don't want to hurt you, so I try to help myself, but that doesn't always work. You obviously don't want me bringing all my baggage to you, so I feel alone, because you're supposed to be theone personI can talk to about this stuff. But I can’t, so I haven’t figured out how to deal with it yet.”
“Oh my gods, Marcus, you’re just making itworse!” Kallie screamed. “I can’t be your everything and nothing all at once! What do you want?”
She spun on her heel to storm out. Marcus reached out to grab her shoulder. “Kallie?—”
“No! I’m sick of this game!” She wrenched herself out of his grasp, and left the room. Charlie, Oberi and I hurried after her into the hall.
“Kallie, wait!” I cried out. My arms were burning trying to keep up with her. I could only spin these wheels so fast.
She paused to catch her breath. I brought my chair to a halt beside her. She hunched over her knees, quivering like she was about to cry.
"I can't… I can't keepdealingwith him, Ava," Kallie said in a strained voice. “He’s killing me.”
I couldn’t blame her. I felt sympathy for Marcus, and for his pain. I didn’t know what side to take.
