But maybe Charlie needed him, and I had to consider that.
A loudbangcut off our conversation. It sounded like a gunshot. When I heard it, I jumped in my chair. I felt my skin become cold and clammy as a tightening sensation clamped down on my throat, sealing off the air from my lungs. My chest grew heavy with a weight that was more than a million pounds, and as my heartbeat started thrumming wildly, I became dizzy.
I still remembered everything. How smooth the pistol felt in my hands, and the recoil as it went off. The spatter of blood across my face and the smell of brain matter as it spilled onto the floor from the bullet’s blast. With that loudbang, I was no longer in the safety of Ilamanthe’s walls, but trapped within Cellblock 9… choosing between my life or someone else’s to survive.
The sense of panic lingered for only a few moments before it began to pass. But still— Charlie noticed. He must’ve caught my thoughts, because he ducked out the door for a second.
When he returned, he sat down beside me in a nearby chair and took my hand. “It wasn’t a gun. A servant accidentally dropped something in the hallway. It was an innocent mistake.”
“Oh.” I let out a whoosh of breath, but the tension didn’t leave. I was still frozen.
Charlie squeezed my hand. “Pidge, we gotta get you some help.”
My fingers shook in his. We'd talked about what we’d been through down in Cellblock 9 once.Once.He'd told me what they'd done to him, and I’d told him what I had to do to survive. We hadn't been able to stomach going over it more than that.
But he was bringing it up again, because it was obvious I couldn’t handle it. I hadn’t been able to, not since we’d left Cellblock 9.
“The nightmares haven’t stopped. You were tossing and turning in your sleep before I woke you up to go to that council meeting,” Charlie insisted.
My head dropped. “I shouldn’t be this upset. I’ve killed more people than the guards I shot in Cellblock 9.”
“With yourmagic,” Charlie clarified. “It’s different, destroying people with your Fire or Water than it is killing them with a gun. The pistol made it… more personal.”
It did. My magic was a barrier. It turned people to ashes, or my Water magic caused them to collapse on the floor without me seeing the internal damage my powers caused. Even with the explosion I’d caused in the Infernal Underground, all of that was at a distance.
Not in Cellblock 9. The Warden had stolen my magic then, so I had to steal a gun in order to escape, and shoot people at close proximity. I’d watched as the bullets made their heads explode. The blood spilled all over me with every shot. I was forced toseethe damage I’d done, and acknowledge if I hadn’t pulled the trigger, those guards, deplorable as they were, would still be living.
I wasn’t remorseful that I'd killed them. More upset by the reality that I had to see those gory effects up close, because I didn’t have a choice.
“You aren’t sitting here upset that you’ve killed people,” I mumbled. “I’ve seen you take lives with your bare hands, and you don’t even seem like you care.”
“I can turn that part of me off if I want to,” Charlie said. “Youcan’t.”
I wish I could. I’dtried.
Though I wondered if Charlie wasn’t lying to himself. Even though he didn’t feel the effects of what had happened, I worried there would be long-term consequences to some of the things he’d done, both out of survival and out of anger. Maybe he was just stuffing it down and pushing it away.
I wasn’t able to do that. What had happened in Cellblock 9 overpowered me like a giant wave, dragging me under. I wasn’t sure if I needed to forgive myself, because these people had been trying to kill me and I had no other choice, or if I needed to get comfortable with the fact that we’d have to do a lot worse if we wanted to protect what little we had left.
One thing was for sure. I never wanted to touch another gun in my life.
Though who knew what else I would do, or what lengths I would go to, to keep this world from falling into the Warden’s hands. I’d made peace long ago with the idea of becoming the villain.
But after what had happened in Cellblock 9, I was no longer sure if I had it in me to be that villain. And that was a problem. If I couldn’t become someone my enemies feared, we’d lose.
And losing wasn’t an option. Not even if I had to become the worst villain that ever was, and make a permanent decision to change things in this world for better or worse. Because as my prophecy stated, I was the only one strong enough to make those hard choices.
Even if they ruined me.
Chapter Three
CHARLIE
Icouldn’t believe we were here. Walking the halls of this palace felt like a dream. Eddie was alive, and everyone’s families were okay. Sure, there were aspects of this palace that were made of illusion magic, but our friends werereal, and it was a miracle beyond anything I could ever imagine.
I was still trying to wrap my head around it the next morning. When I woke up, I couldn’t remember where I was. For a moment, I thought I had awoken in my cell back at the Institute. Then I felt the morning sun on my face, and the weight of Ava-Marie’s head on my chest, and I remembered I was free of that place. Oberi was laying across my legs and snoring loudly. I ran my fingers across the silk sheets, then over Ava’s soft skin. She stirred awake, and her form instantly stiffened in my arms as she startled awake with a gasp.
“It’s okay, pidge,” I whispered quickly. “It’s just me.”
