Nadine looked a little shocked, like she expected me to push back. The woman didn’t even know me, but I sensed she had a bit of fire in her back in her day— probably still did. She relaxed a moment later, though.
Lucas gave a kind nod. “Then we’ll leave you to rest. Thank you for your time, princess.”
“I’ll be right back in,” Marcus assured me. He led his parents out into the hall, and his muffled voice came through the door as he thanked them for coming to speak to me.
Nadine and Lucas’ warning shook me a bit, but not enough to rule out the option completely. I didn’t get what the big deal was. The least I could do wastry. I was alone, and no one was here to stop me. I might as well see if gaining back my ability to walk was even a possibility.
I placed my hand on my stomach, right above the area where my spine was damaged. With my healing magic, I could feel the foreign rods in my spine, and sense the bundle of nerves that had been completely damaged. All I had to do was disintegrate them, then regrow them.
I decided to test it only on one nerve, in case Lucas and Nadine’s warning held any real merit. Better to be safe than sorry.
My healing magic curled around a singular nerve, and I felt my power burn it away. I thought it would be ungodly painful, because I was literally destroying a nerve, but I didn’t feel a thing at all.
Of course not, because there was nothing lefttofeel. That was almost more terrifying than the pain.
I concentrated on replacing the nerve, like I had with Charlie’s organs. My hand glowed a bright white, until my power seemed to smash up against a brick wall I couldn’t penetrate. I tried again and again to replace the nerve, to regrow it, but nothing worked.
I started to panic. Nadine and Lucas had been right. I couldn’t counteract the botched spell that had healed my spine in all the wrong places.
Please, don’t let there be any more damage, I prayed.
I pinched my upper thighs—hard. There was still a dull sensation there, like always, but it seemed weaker than ever before.
Marcus was right about the risk. I had done some serious damage that was now irreversible.
I had the thought that I could destroy the rest of my nerves that weren’t firing right, to alleviate some pain, but that would also impair any and all sensation I had left in my legs, and I already had so little left. If I kept going with this, I was really going to hurt myself.
I hated to admit it, but I was glad Nadine and Lucas came to warn me before I did anything stupid I couldn’t undo. I wasn’t trying this again— that was for certain. Otherwise, I’d lose the little feeling I had left.
I hated that tears rushed to my eyes and ran down my cheeks at the realization that there was no way out of this. I’d accepted that I wasn’t going to walk again a long time ago, but I couldn’t help there being a small prayer of hope tucked away inside of methat one day, something would be able to fix me, or I’d be able to fix myself. That prayer dried up and withered away as I realized the truth.
I was never going to get better. This was permanent. I could perform miracles to heal other people, but I couldn’t heal myself. I could replace Charlie’s organs, but I couldn’t replace what my own magic had set in stone without me being aware of it.
I was such a powerful demigod. But my demigod magic couldn’t do theone thingI was most desperate for it to do, and that wounded me incredibly. I was helpful to others, but useless to myself. All these magical spells, potions, and medications I’d tried to fix my spine were nothing but disappointments. They were all the same, leading to identical undeniable outcomes.
I wiped my tears away and struggled to take in a few shaking breaths. You never stopped grieving when you were disabled, for the life you could’ve had, the life you desperately desired to live but would never receive. I’d given myself hope there would be a chance I could go back to the girl I had been, but I’d learned already that girl was dead and gone. I needed to accept myself now for who Iwas, not the person I wished I could be. I had to love my body the way it’d turned out to be, not hate it for not being the body I wished for.
I was worthy even though I was in a wheelchair, and stronger than anyone else in this palace. It was okay the spell hadn’t worked. I accepted my body for what it was. I’d done my best, given it a good try, and that was all I could expect from myself. Though this treatment hadn’t worked, and so many others hadn’t either, I knew it would be okay.
I was still me. That was all that mattered. Charlie and my friends loved me no matter what, and I loved me, too. I didn’t need to make myself into something different to earn that love. I could still be sick and receive it generously.
Even so… there would always be a piece of me that wanted things to change. But that piece of me didn’t have to believe I was worth any less because of it. And it wouldn’t, because that wasn’t the truth. I was valuable just as I was. I had to acknowledge that.
A few minutes later, I’d pulled myself together and Marcus returned to the room. “Ready to see Charlie?”
“Finally.” I wasn’t waiting a second longer. Marcus helped me from the bed back into my chair. I found that I was too tired to roll my wheels, or even use the button on my chair that would move me forward, so Marcus pushed me.
Okay, so they were right to knock me out, because casting the spell on Charlie had affected me more than I thought. While we were in the hallway, Oberi came flying in from a separate ward. The phoenix landed on my chair, a bright sparkle in her eye.
“You look much better,” I said, and she reached out to preen my hair.
Marcus gave me some healing treats. I am in tip-top shape thanks to his astounding Alchemy magic,she replied.I hope you had a nice nap.
“Splendid.”
Marcus wheeled me into Charlie’s room. Happiness spread across my form as I saw he was sitting up in bed, appearing perfectly well. Emperor Cassiel was there. He gave me a kind smile, as if to say he knew I could do it.
Charlie felt my presence and immediately reached out for me. “Pidge.”
