“Enough of this,” Hemlock snapped, coming between them. “Clearly we need to reassess at another time.”
“I think we should take a moment to rest,” Takahashi said soothingly. “We’ll retire for the night. Things will look better in the morning.”
Kallie punched the door on the way out and left a hole, so she clearly didn’t think so. Marcus sat in a chair and pouted, though Rishi yowled at him to go after her.
I didn’t think they’d argue like that unless both of them were feeling entirely helpless. This was my fault. My friends wouldn’t be wearing these bracelets if I hadn’t destroyed the Underground.
After our practice, Charlie had a late-night factory shift, and didn’t get back until it was close to curfew. He was still fuming as he helped me into bed. I had wanted a shower, but I couldn’t get one, because I still needed help washing up and Charlie wasn’t allowed in the girls’ bathrooms. We’d have to wait to go back to the infirmary tomorrow and use one of the private showers there.
I knew he was frustrated about all the obstacles we had to get around now, because I couldn’t walk. The weight of responsibility fell even heavier on me.
I pulled one of Charlie’s shirts over my head to sleep in before I lay back. It was huge on me, more like a dress, and was really soft from years of use. I loved it, because it smelled like him and was comfortable, but he hardly had anything new.
I was getting this boy some damn clothes the next chance I had. No husband of mine was going to walk around looking raggedy.
“What are you thinking about?” Charlie asked as he lay beside me. Oberi had changed into a husky and jumped up to spread out on the foot of the bed.
“What colors go best with your skin tone,” I replied. “Do you prefer wool, or cashmere?”
His tone was full of disbelief. “You’re worried about clothes at a time like this.”
“Well… yeah. Is that wrong?”
He appeared perplexed. “I don’t know how you’re not overwhelmed with everything that’s going on.”
“What can we do about it? We’re working on finding a solution, but one isn’t available right now. I’m not going to beat myself up when we’re doing the best we can.”
The answer sounded very Oberi. I wonder if more of him had bled into me since I’d returned from the Ancestral Lands.
“We could do more.” His voice ached.
“More to make ourselves feel bad, probably. But we can’t blame ourselves for information we don’t know.”
“There has to be a way to get these inferichite bracelets off,” Charlie insisted.
“I’m not just talking about the inferichite,” I said. “Charlie… I know you still feel horrible about everything that happened in the Underground.”
His words were thick. “I can’t stop thinking that I could’ve prevented this, and I didn’t. You didn’t have to lose your ability to walk, but you did, because I didn’t do my best to protect you— not even close.”
“What would we have done differently? We didn’t know going down there was going to kill me. I didn’t know when I cast that spell it would take away my ability to walk. How do you expect us to be angry at ourselves for knowledge we didn’t have at the time?”
I sighed. “And even if I had known… I don’t think my decision would’ve been any different. I gave up something to save all of you, but that sacrifice was worth it, because we all got out. So be happy we all survived, and stop getting upset because you have to help me.”
“I’m not upset that I have to help you. But I didn’t want this for you.” Charlie stroked back my hair.
“You being sad because I’m in a wheelchair makes me feel less-than. I don’t want pity. I just want to get back to living, whether I’m walking or not. I understand it’s something to grieve, because losing the ability to walk is a huge loss. But being in a wheelchair isn’t the part that bothers me. It’s all the struggles I have to face, because the Institute isn’t accommodating, and it sucks how people…lookat me now. It’s not like I’m any different, inside, butyoutreat me differently. And I hate it. I want to be your equal again, not some fragile fucking flower you have to dance around.”
He sniffed. “I didn’t want to make you feel like that. I’ve been doing the best I can. I don’t regret the position we’re in.”
“Stop lying. I know what you’re thinking. Sometimes you wonder if it would’ve been better to let me go.”
He started to tear up. “I’m glad that you’re here. But I hate to see you in so much pain.”
“You made the right choice. You’re not a monster for wanting me to stay with you, and you shouldn’t feel guilty for bringing my soul back,” I insisted. “If I didn’t agree, I would’ve stayed in the Ancestral Lands. I figured coming back here to party on Earth was the better option.”
“Wish it was under better circumstances,” Charlie mumbled.
“I want to get to a place of acceptance, at the very least. Yeah, this is traumatic and new, but it doesn’t mean my life is over. It’s scary because I have to learn how to ask for help for the first time, and that’s terrifying, because I’m so independent.”
